New to B.L.O. and learning...

[Wyn]

Hello to everybody here. I'm IS and still learning about myself, and how to use this forum. Actually, I've only just 'come out', and WHAT a Relief, and a Challenge it has proven to be. For information purposes I have a rare condition known as PMDS (persistant Mullerian duct syndrome), combined with partial AIS. At 46 (two years ago) I began, as best as I can determine, female puberty. A REAL long story - 26 years in the making. Unfortunately the initial expressions resulted in my divorce 10 years ago, and recently has caused my ex to do all sorts of nasty things, including the alienation of my four sons. I'm not a 'happy camper', although the understanding of my condition has also been cause for much relief.
I will say that Betsy has been a real 'godsend' as my depression nearly overcame me - she was 'there' when I needed a friend to talk to.
As for family support, my 'family' is quite disjointed - I was adopted at birth (my adoptive parents were the ones to pay for my operation, against the wishes of my birth mother) - and they both had died before I was 30. They were also the ONLY ones to know of my condition, and obviously, they didn't say a word to me. I have one 'real' sister, adopted after me, along with a stepmother, and two stepsisters. While generally supportive, one has chosen not to acknowledge my situation. To date I have also come out to an additional 7 people with whom I am close, and they are ALL very supportive, and more are to come. I'm convinced, as I hope most of you are, that it is IMPERATIVE that IS become as well known Spinal Biffida, with which it shares the same general occurances in the population - something that I have just learned, and that I find to be particularly compelling, as have several people who I have talked to.
Anyway, this is my first communication, but I plan that it won't be the last. I will say that I'm in CT (a small state if there ever was one) and I hope that there are other IS people out there with whom I can make 'real' contact - while I admit that the online community is an important one, at my age I've come to realize that real 'one on one' communication is ALL important, and gives one a true sense of being and community. Well, that's all for now. Hope to hear from you all soon!
By the way, I'll be attending a lecture to be given by Betsy at Cent. CT State College on the 27th. It would be great to see others there.
All my best to all of you,
Wyn

[Glenn]

Welcome to BLO!

Yes, Betsy has been a godsend many times over - I'm glad she's been able to help you too.

What's PMDS? According to my research a couple years ago, the mullerian ducts usually form the upper uterus and fallopian tubes, but I'm having trouble with the 'persistent' aspect means.

Glenn

[Jules]

Just want to say Hi and hello, if there is anything I can do to help just let me know:)

[Wyn]

Glenn & Jules, Hello! I'm SO glad that you responded. I was begining to think that I was somehow invisible.

You are correct - the Mullerian ducts are the 'precursers' to the uterus, cervix, and the 'upper third' of the vagina. Persistant means that they did not degenerate, as in 'normal' 'males'.

At birth, neither gonad had decended, I had a 'normal' penis, an empty scrotum, and a vagina. The labial folds may have been fused, but the probability is that they were surgically closed at the same time that the doctors opened up my belly and lowered both my one (partially decended) testicle, and also cut away my one ovary/ovo-testis from my fallopian tube, and placed THAT in my scrotum also.

PMDS is very rare, with approx. 150 occurances since the fifties. The 'kicker' is that, as best as I can determine, I also have a mild case of partial AIS. This permited the development of the remaining 2/3 of the vagina, and reduced my ability to masculinize later in life. MORE importantly, all these things had feminized my brain. However, I still had a penis and XY chromosomes, so I was assigned male.

As I had indicated, I began female puberty about 2 years ago, and I will tell you, it has been HELL. Not in reference to my physical developments, but the fact that I have been living a LIE for my entire life, and I am having some SERIOUS psychological issues.

In fact, I am here now at home - I lasted until 11:30 at work, but broke down emotionally because couldn't handle all the HATE and ANGER I have been feeling towards MALES, and particularly, my adoptive father and the DOCTORS that performed this MUTILATION of my body and my being. On top of this, I work in an all male enviroment, so I have both them, and my own self-loathing to contend with.

And I won't get into the problems I've been having with my ex, and my children.

No, I'm not a 'happy camper'. Betsy has helped greatly, and has made some excellent observations, but even she can't do everything that will be required.

I've been living a solitary existance for over ten years, more out of fear of rejection than anything else, and I can't begin to guess how I will present myself now. Since the begining of my female puberty, I've also begun to get very lonely.

I do not have any attraction to males, and I have found that women usually want a real man, or a real woman - of which I am neither.

A person who is IS, if they present as female, has at least a fighting chance to have a relationship. As GIRLYBOY has pointed out, a feminine man has NO CHANCE for a relationship in our society - except the possibility of one with a gay male or a male who has a fetish for the bizzare. And I, for one, do NOT want either of those.

Well, that's about it. I've now unloaded far more than than I should I guess.

I hope that I can find the strength to continue, both with my existance, and my participation with this community.

[Dana Gold]

quote:

" HATE and ANGER I have been feeling towards MALES, and particularly, my adoptive father and the DOCTORS that performed ...............

This very same thing has been a monkey on my back for a very long time; and as of recent months only began to "heal" You see, my hatred was worse. I was once asked, a few years back, if I was prejudiced and I said "NO, I hate all humans equally."
I was a feminine freak boy in childhood who endured beatings and sexual abuse/advances from classmates, gym-teacher and my ogre of a step-father....and then the hormonal alterations by Army doctors who
"treated me" ...and forcible raising as male. I have deep psychological scars, compared to the minor ones from necessary surgery and beatings.
As for relationships: I have a circle of friends, mostly other women. In regards to a "romance" : I keep to myself, mostly. Although I have for the greater part, a low libido, I , sometimes, wish I could have a normal romantic relationship also, but seriously doubt that I would be treated by any man as anything more than a "pseudo-woman" AND I fear the possibility of much worse.
So, I regard loneliness as a better companion than rejection, further abuse (murder?), or being perceived as a joke and/or someone's "sex-toy".

quote:

"unloaded far more than than I should I guess"

Is is GOOD you did; and continue to do so. This is the reason we have this forum...To fling the monkey of fear and hatred off our backs. Even if it comes back time after time. "Beat it back" time after time.
You said you have some close friends, it is a treasure for people like us to have such relationships.

I'm sorry I don't have anything better of encouraging nature to share with you at this time and that feeling is perhaps why I didn't respond with an initial " Hello, welcome" upon your arrival.

Take care; don't give up.

[Wyn]

Dana,

Yes, you've had it much worse than I, in many respects. I too have had a similar generic HATE that I've had to tame.

I realized that not all fit into the mold that I formulate in my mind, so I put asside that hate for specific people, particularly when they have shown decency and kindness to me. And they have been both male and female.

It is these kinds of people that have made my continued existance worthwhile. Thank You for your kind words and support.

I know in my heart that we are all here to help one another. It's just that some do not recognize it, and the greater loss to all for that.

Wyn

[ptrinkl108]

Hi Wyn,

Welcome to the "Bodies Like Ours" community. Thanks for your posts.

Cheers,

Peter