Looking for advice

[handg]

Hello. We are a married couple literally climbing the most challenging mountain in our marriage. We are soul mates married almost three years - bound together with the pain we have lived with (abuse, dismissed by family and never fitting in). We are "traditional male and female. I have never felt truly feminine as I am bigger and have unbalanced hormones - I live in the salon (waxing not primping). Three days ago my husband revealed that he has never felt totally male. Before this we both shared deep feelings of androgyny and cherished that we were such a perfect fit. My husband was starving for feminine activities, snuck in dance, cross dressed on a few occasions, had more homosexual relationships than hetero before we were married. We want to make our marriage work but I am having a terrible time accepting all these revelations as I am entering this feminine phase in my life - the first and I see my husband as more femme than me. We want children. I want to grow old with him. He says he doesn't want surgery and would supress his feelings if that would keep us together. Hello - I am not stupid and would never ask that although honestly it would feel better temporarily. I could talk forever. Please contact me/us if you are in a similar situation or can help. I can't imagine life without him but can't imagine life with her.

[Jules]

So many questions.

I wanted to point out that the one thing you can count on in a relationship when the personalities are still growing, is change. People change together, or they change apart. Often times it is outside influences that bring change into people’s relationships. I think that my feelings about feelings are, that they just don’t appear by themselves, except in the extreme cases of mental illness. Think about the people your husband is with, like coworkers, or friends, and ask yourself, who is influencing him. If you husband has suddenly stated he feels more female now, I would ask myself, who is bringing such feelings out in him?

Listen to your own statement: We want to make our marriage work but I am having a terrible time accepting all these revelations as I am entering this feminine phase in my life - the first and I see my husband as more femme than me.

A Feminine phase? If it is just a phase will it pass in a week, or a month? Is it your husband that is changing or you? Who has been in your life,(coworker, friends) that is bring out these feelings in you?

If you are the one who is having a terrible time excepting change, is it you or your husband that is going though a revelation?


Statement: We want to make our marriage work but…

The word “But” removes your intentions from the statement or sentence that is behind it.
Think carefully about this, and remember that the point is, change between you and your husband may happen anyway. How are you goiing to support each other through it? Your better off just excepting him the way he is now and getting to the reasons why such changes take place at all, and to question yourself, that you are not the one who is going through a bigger change.