Danger, Will Robinson!!

[Jules]

Ms Gold said:
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How does one manage the "psychological scars" left by situations like that, whether having been just threatened or actually assaulted? Maybe this might be better to discuss under another thread if it continues from my post.
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Jules says:
Circumstances do not always rise to meet our expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave as they are. Embrace what you get. Open your eyes: see things and people for who they are. What may really frighten us and leaves us scared are not the events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.
I will dare to say in this thread, NO BLAME, NO SHAME.

If it is our feelings about things that torment us, it follows that blaming others for our feelings will never change how we feel for the better.
Simple minded people habitually reproach others for their misfortune. Average people reproach themselves. Those people, who want a life of wisdom, understand that the impulse to blame something or someone for our feelings never helps us deal with those feelings in such a way that we finally learn to understand them.
One of the true signs of a dawning of moral progress is the gradual extinguishing of blame.

The more we examine our attitudes and work on ourselves, the less we are to be swept away by depression and fear. It is very easy to be swept away with the blame game which gives us easy explanations for our suffering. Things simply are they way they are. Other people will think what they think, and do what they do. No blame, no shame.
In order to feel ashamed in the first place, we must blame somebody. That somebody is, somebody else or ourselves. The moment we stop the blame game, we can no longer claim to feel shame because we are taking responsibility for our feelings, ourselves .

------------ Your Merit, should not be what other people think.-------

Create your own merit! Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength to it! Personal merit can NEVER be found from the acceptance of others. It will not be found in your personal associations. It cannot be found in our regard for other people.
It is just a fact of life that even people who love you and like you, will not always agree with your ideas, understand you, or share your enthusiasms. WHO CARES what other people think of you!

Let our reason be supreme. Pratice the art of testing whether things are good or not, learn to wait and assess, instead of reacting from instinct.
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There are many places that gays and trasgendered people will feel at home. In the state of MASS there is a city called Provincetown that is 99% gay. yes, this is a place that everybody is welcome, and many towns that are behind it have a huge gay populations as well. DO you realy think you would feel unsafe walking down a street in that city? I'm sure that getting up a moving to a gay friendly city may not be a option for all of you, but the point is we all have options other then, just to live in fear or live with shame.

[Jules]

Well thanks Jules, your not so bad yourself:) :D :) :D

[beach]

well you could'nt have said it better ,yourself... beach

[Jules]

I never said that things that happen to us are not right or wrong. It is great to advocate for intersex awareness and the misinformed choices people make when faced with their intersexed child.
When it comes to healing yourself of the wounds of your past, true healing begins when we finally stop our blame. What I see is quick judgement of situations that bring blame to the front.

How many people will read this post and go, huh, who is Jules, telling me not to blame anybody?
This makes the person judging feel justified in blaming and can be very gratifying, but there is a huge price for judgement.



1 If your opinions are, or have been proven false, you will be the last to know, and you will be on the outside looking in.

2 You never grow intellectually because the only view-point you listen to are, the points that you already hold.

3 You dismiss otherwise very worthwhile people because you disagree with their ideas

4 You miss very important information, that could really help you because you have already formed a judgment

I don't think my ideas are really that bad, if anything they might help.

[Dana Gold]

Dear Jules,

Everything you have posted and written about fear and related self-affirmation is true., .I know, I have tried and utilized all of your written advices, as well as others...refer back to some of my earlier posts. To elaborate the difference between your and others and my experience in life: I suppose with me, it is because I have been "bitten" and "thrashed" by lion's and gorillas in my youth, and "growled at" by both in adulthood that I have developed such emotions of fear and hate as defense mechanisms. I know myself; I don't cower and shiver like a bunny rabbit in the field; however my "radar" and self-control are on max whenever I may find myself in a potentially volatile or ugly situation. I trust my intuition nowadays. I also know that since there are "2 sides of the coin to everything in life" that these same "protective" emotions may surface when there is no actual danger at all, but they surface because of trigger events which I have studied (psychology). I have admitted thatI have (been diagnosed as) panic-anxiety " disorder" and take meds for it. I know the process that goes on in me. Having an experience of a very traumatic nature such as event/s or threat/s (harm) establishes an "imprint" within the brain (amygdala). When a similar "event" occurs the reaction of fear or perhaps inter-developed emotions manifest it/themselves in an instant...no thought processes go into this mechanism...it happens...snap. Now, one may ask: can numerous traumatic events and the established imprinted reactions be controlled.....NO; but the reaction/s to the initial reaction (by amygdala) and ensuing emotions can be controlled and life-long fear and hate also can be overcome.......they can never be totally eradicated, though. And the energy and long-term effort to control such is directly proportional to the amount of trauma experienced by the person. It is damn hard-ass work....I know and not all "battles" can be won, but hopefully the war can: This is the meaning of fighting a war within oneself, one I know well. Look at any soldier returning from the battlefield, the war never stops. I apologize to any that think I am being overly dramatic; but for me , I have been beaten (severely, not just "whipped") a few times and had many other forms of abuse, including sexual....3 nervous breakdowns ( 2 major, 1 minor) I think that I am doing quite well despite all that.... but the "ghosts" and the little imps that sit on one's shoulder and whisper naughty, hateful things, ocassionally "visit" me. Sometimes I don't mind their company, if I am the "boss" and not they.

And shame? Not any more!


Dana

[Sophie338]

Hello Jules

I am constantly haunted by the various "demons" Here are a few, bieng born on oct31/nov1 (Witching hour) with a condition like this. (And subsequentially being branded as some sort of antichrist).
Being given surgery that maximises my physycal pain but was not considered by many to be something for me to be angry about. I am stuck with a specific condition about which there is more urban myth than fact in the medical text books. And often I sense I am hated and despised by default.

I went to college to study genetics and computing and with my considerable skills I end up as a hacker. Not something respectable. I seem to spend most of my time fixing other peoples virus/trojan/spyware/exploit infested computers while dreaming up new methods of "cyber warfare" myself.

If I am honest I am not ashamed about being intersexed, no that is just a part of it. I am ashamed about having ever been born.
When I was a kid and the Omen came out my father used to call me "DD" meaning "the Deformed Damien". When I was sent away to a "special school" I was raped and tortured. And then told it was "Character building" and "For my own good".

Am I giving in to negative emotion? Or am I just saying that the shame and secresy, and the superstition (Must not forget that and I really dont know if the superstion bit was exclusive to me)

It was only the AISSG that stopped me from killing myself in the end. This was after a bout of alchoholism and tapping something like 50 email accounts and watching all the nasty things said about me behind my back in the late 1990s. It is really horrible when you read what people are saying about you when it is really bad.

Only the AISSG made me feel human when everyone else just perpetuated the self loathing.

You see the people at the AISSG did not maintain that I was born bad. Others did but they didnt. The one thing I have learned not to feel ashamed about is the fact that I was born intersexed, I am angry about it. I dont see being intersexed as some identity or as some term to which my life has to be attatched. some may find that hard to understand. But for me my identity rests in the fact that I aspire to be human, not some identity. Intersex is part of the human condition. I dont know if being some target of shame, secresy and superstition is however.

As for the rest of it, like the date of birth, the abuse I suffered as a kid, the not so expediant surgery I endured, the way I was denied any sort of worthwhile career and ended up as well, as some online disaster area. Well perhaps that is an indication that I am inherently bad. Whatever I do, in order to give myself some dignity goes badly wrong. I dont feel like I am evil inside, I just feel that I am percieved that way a lot of the time.

The quertion in my mind is still "Should I feel ashamed about other peoples perceptions?"

All the best

Hugs

Sophie.

[Jules]

Hello, Soffie33 and Ms Gold.

Thank you for your replys:)

Jules says:
I would like to think, that the day that we were born, we were given the world as our birthday present. The world is in a gorgeous box wrapped in a incredible ribbon. Can you think, what a tragedy it would be, to view the present as worthless, and never even open the ribbon, never mind the box?

When people do open the box, they do not want what is in there. People see and feel pain, and they feel loneliness and confusion. They feel anger and despair. Well, I don’t know about everybody else, but I want what is in my box and every little thing that is in it. This little box is named pain, and I’m going to experience pain. This box is loneliness, and when I open that box, I experience loneliness.

Trust me, I have my own boxes of anger and pain, I have boxes of panic too, so I understand how all you feel, when you feel pain. I want to know all these things, suffering and misery included, because, I know I can also learn rapture.

If it is there, I will find it. I know that I can turn pain into joy, and you can too. I not a super human, what I can do, so can most of you. Everything I can do, you can do too. Some things, I know, you all can do better then me. If you don’t find yourself able to find what you need in your world, It is not because you don’t have it, you’re just not working toward it, as long as we are still alive, the game is NOT over.

None of us, it seems, can heal the things that have been done to us. They are simply done before we can realize what’s being done, and then make you do things all your life until these things are constantly coming between you and what you would like to be. In that way, it would seem, you loose yourself forever.

We all have pasts with scars, but we also have a future. My life too, is overburdened, and living, which I never asked for, seems to be a terrible complicated affair. Still, amazing enough, I go on day by day, and find those moments of joy mixed in with the suffering, I still want what is in my box! When we LOOK for our lives, life becomes tremendously important. If such a thing as living life fully interests you (Isn’t that a nice way of saying it? If living life interests you?) then it is up to you to find what interesting about life and pull it out of the box.

Let me leave you with this; In India, every time you put your hands in front of you you say, Namaste.
That means " I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides." I honor the place in you, where, if you are at that place in you, and I am at that place in me, there is only ONE of us"

Namaste;)

[Sophie338]

Hello Jules :)

"We all have pasts with scars, but we also have a future. My life too, is overburdened, and living, which I never asked for, seems to be a terrible complicated affair."

You are right, I just know that my making my life better is a slow process. I think what makes it difficult for me is the lingering pain and anger. But that does not mean things have to be bad. Today I help some people with problems on thier computers. I used to just live in a tiny room, in front of a computer, basically causing as much damage as I could.

"Still, amazing enough, I go on day by day, and find those moments of joy mixed in with the suffering, I still want what is in my box! When we LOOK for our lives, life becomes tremendously important. If such a thing as living life fully interests you (Isn’t that a nice way of saying it? If living life interests you?) then it is up to you to find what interesting about life and pull it out of the box."

Well that is sort of how I have looked at it. I think an important lesson for me was one of not hating people. Being nice to people gave me the opportunity to do the little amount of work I do, (Health permitting). I think the harder bit is my accepting myself.
When I was born I was considered a curse. Sad really.

It is just going to take time for me to get over the pain. One thing though. Groups like the AISSG, or Websites like this have been a blessing. But healing does take time. I am just grateful that the means to getting healed are around now. :)

All the best

Hugs

Sophie.

[ptrinkl108]

I have been thinking over the issues in this thread. First, I would like to say that this forum, to my knowledge, offers a unique opportunity for intersex people to post what we feel about our lives, and get feedback from others. Not everyday is a good day, and I post about my difficulties to let others know that the idea that somehow doctors "normalized" me years ago is a wild medical illusion. Cosmetic surgery is only a sick dream of "normalization". I don't want to be normal (at least that is what I increasingly think the more I hang around this forum.) A few months ago, when I was looking for intersex resources, I was disappointed to find that most cities do not offer support groups that meet regularly to address the needs of intersex people. I am glad that I found this site. I believe that I was referred by a wonderful person with ISNA, Jane Goto, who has been very kind to me in her long emails about intersex resources.

Just as I have a right to post that sometimes I have bad days, others have a right to offer me their feedback. I don't have to agree with every perspective on this forum. I don't always agree with other posters, but where else can I get such thoughtful responses. Jules has posted thoughtful posts that display a real knowledge of Aristotle and Kant. Only Jules can get me to think for hours about Aristotle's ideas about happiness. I much prefer Aristotle's ideas of happiness as a basis for morality over laundary lists like the Ten Comandments. Jules has posted in the past that she is a libertarian. I asked a friend about this. She said that for women, the libertarian viewpoint is a positive development because historically women have often been expected to take a "caretaking" role in the world, often putting the needs of others before their own needs. On the other hand, my friend said that there are some limitations to the libertarian viewpoint, because it does not adequately recognize the complexity of society. I think that my friend expressed it pretty well.

Personally, I really appreciate the time and energy that people who regularly post to this site put into their work here.

Peter

[Dana Gold]

Thank you Jules for your heartfelt sharing.

My own thoughts and feelings:

By themselves wisdom and knowledge cannot equal or surpass the contribution to happiness as that of warm human contact, friendship, and love.

It is the sunshine of being loved and loving that lifts the fog and rainy skies of our lives and gives us the rainbow as a "present".......and is the medicine that heals all of our wounds.

I think the best medicine and philosophy comes from those who have suffered physically and emotionally while having endured the accompanying ordeals of life; having been able to hold on to and maintain their dignity and humanity; expressing compassion both for themselves and others.
Actual life-experiences instead of theory.

Over the week-end, I have gained some insight into my box and its contents; some parts of which I have bemoaned and cursed ....and reacted with anger and hate, neglecting and blocking my own happiness in the process.

To not have love or be able to love is the greatest unhappiness and so if it seems that noone loves us, then we must learn to love ourselves. That has been my "learning experience"

Thanks to all who have encouraged me and shared your lives with me......I am forever grateful.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ms Dana:)

[Jules]

I must tell you that my life is overburdened in so many ways. I often feel like there is a fuse burning right behind me, and I barely have time to keep ahead of it. I work 50 hours a week. I go to school about 15 hours a week, not including reading and homework. I’m also trying to write a book about my life. Add in the time that my girlfriend wants from me, and suddenly 24 hours in a day is not enough. I do not post on BLO because I have too much time on my hands, trust me on that one. When I get thoughtful posts back from members, it means a lot to me.

Getting back to the topic, I wanted to add that I honestly don’t believe that anyone has ever taught anything to anyone. I have always questioned the efficacy of teaching. The only thing that I know is that anyone who wants to learn, will learn.
And maybe a teacher is only a facilitator, a person who puts things down and shows people how exciting and wonderful it is and then asks them out to eat .
That is all I can do here. I put down my thoughts—but I cannot force anybody to eat. People learn themselves if they want to.

Everybody has his or her own path to take in life. There are 1,000,000 paths to discovering yourself. Don’t let anybody impose a path on you that does not feel right. Each path is only one in a million. Therefore keep in mind that a path is only a path. You do not have to stay with it under any circumstances.

There is no affront to yourself or others in dropping it, if it is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or leave it must be free of fear and ambition. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try that path as many times as you need too. Then ask yourself this one important question. Does this path have a heart? All roads lead to Rome, all paths are the same, weather they go through the bush, into the brush, or under the brush. Does your path have heart, that is the only question that matters. If it does the path is good. If it doesn’t, it has no use.

So far, I have found that most people at BLO have heart.
Thanks for all your support:)