Are you confused, scared, alone, and mortified?

[cougar9q]

My response would be yes...

Not at a "life threatening" level but, as a constant general feeling. I don't know why I have allowed for every aspect of my life to be tied to my shame and about both my intersexuality and homosexuality.... This "virus" of the mind is overwhelming. I let it control me almost at all times. Either I'm too scared to approach someone I like, or even too "scared" just to converse with anyone. I am afaid of rejection, so instead of making an outgoing choice, I choose to do nothing. When my world comes crashing down, I don't run, I just stand there and watch it all fall. I wa curious to know if anyone has felt such similar experience, and would like to know what you did to move on from that, or what you learned to gain a "control" of your life in times of panic....

Thanx,
Monica

[Wyn]

Monica - a most emphatic yes to all the above. Even after informing some close friends about my situation, I find that I can't
move beyond my own four walls, without fearing that my 'secret' will come out. Even with people I know, it can be hard to 'be myself'.

I certainly am no phsychologist nor a phsycoanalyst, and would not atttempt to suggest anything I say is valid, but I can attest to my own experiances. I'm sure that there are many here who are far more qualified than I in regards to these questions.

This is what I have come to find to be the hardest issue for me - that I know 'what' I am, but it cannot be expressed socially because in general society, this definition is not acceptable.

The biggest problem is that my body meets the criteria for both male and female all in the same package, thus the probablity for confusion, and therefore, dirision, rejection, etc. While I can 'get away' with looking male with the right clothes, when it comes down to the 'wire' (naked), this pretense falls apart.

Connected to this problem, is my internal sense of what I am - I mostly feel female - which does not 'jive' with my outward appearance, yet does meld with my personality, IF I choose to 'act' what I am feeling like. Yes, I have 'male' moods, but these are increasingly less likely, and I find that both my body and my feelings are in direct conflict with my 'accepted' outward apperance.

Just yesterday I had a small 'communication problem' with my foreman - even though I had made him aware of my condition and the changes I was experiancing. It is hard for 'others' to change what can be some very ingrained social habits. This too is a BIG part of 'our problem'.

I have yet to 'figure out' how to move past these issues, as I know that I need to (re)define my own sense of 'self' with the advent of my 'maturation'. This is especially true since it is increasingly hard to 'hide' the evidence.

So, I am tempted to simplify the question, and suggest that 'finding yourself' ie; defining the expression of one's self - to one's self - is key to answering most of your dilemma in regards to gaining the strength necessary to meet others, and to thus move beyond these fears. Here, what you look like to others is key to how you present yourself, ie, the personality and persona fit the external 'package'.

These fears certainly may still be in the background, but once one is comfortable in one's own skin, it becomes much easier to accomplish the goals one is seeking to attain. At least in theory.

I have yet to put my theory to practice in a general sense - I am not yet comfortable enough with my 'new skin' to venture out except in a limited fashion, and only to known circumstances.

I have come to call this approach a form of 'hiding', and it is quite comfortable - as long as you like being alone. It is also quite destructive in terms of one's quality of life. I've 'let go' a number of things that I used to like to do before the 'changes' began. Like yourself, I am in a deep quandry as to how to bust out of this debilitating sense of loneliness and fear of rejection.

I've tried logic, but it only leads to a greater understanding of the current dillemma - not the solution. As 'corny' as it may sound, I do feel that Love is the best solution - unconditional Love such as that which 'should' be provided by your parents. This type of love is the first, and most important, in one's acceptance of one's self.

Once you are accepted and loved by these most important people, finding Love outside the home is much easier. Love from a 'special' person is the next most powerful, but that is the dillemma - how to have enough courage to make the connection in the first place, and then having the strength to nuture it so that it can grow.

I'm convinced that this 'outside' Love is something that is developed over time and needs constant tending to insure it's growth. But it also takes two to work, and they should be equal partners. Some are 'lucky' in this search, others must work harder.

Just a look at 'Match.com' and all the 'normal' people looking for 'that special someone' should tell you something. While I would like to say that people 'like us' should have an 'equal' chance, the reality is that there are only a limited number of people who are 'strong enough' to accept us as we are, and they are few and far between. I'm sure that someone for me exists, it's just that we haven't 'connected' - but I've got to try and connect, or all is for naught. (Can you detect a sense of Destiny and Hope?)

Hope (and Love) exists, but you cannot wait for it to come to you -you've got to create it yourself through action, not inaction. But, I admit that getting started is the hardest part.

I know that for myself, I will be 'waiting' for some medical tests to be accoplished before I can feel totally comfortable with my chosen path. While I don't anticipate too many 'problems', there always exists the possibility of some sort of 'glitch' - Murphy's Law may strike again. I'm hoping not.

I wish you all the Strength and Hope in your search - and as Jules promotes - Courage.

Wyn

[Jules]

Yes, I have felt that way. You are and always will be Monica. It is hard to realy comfort someone through a e-mail. If you were next to me, I would give you a hug. I can tell you, that who are today does not have to be who you become tommorow. Tommorow is a new day, and you may feel better tommorow. Its tough to tell people that your hurting. It 's even tougher being intersexed, and the truth is, we here at BLO many be the only people who understand you in that way. You many never be able to share your ideas to people about gender and have them not push you away. Just understand, that you can be Monica to everybody, but you don't have to talk about intersex with everbody. That can be between us, and that is what is special about you and me.

The fear of rejection, is worse then the rejection of a 100 people you might wanted to love.

If 100 people reject you, that 101 person will be your soulmate.


Just be Monica.:)

[ptrinkl108]

Some lonliness and confusion is part of being alive. However, I believe that there are special psychological problems that may be faced by intersex children. These effects of these problems can last for many years. I remember that when I hit puberty, I was sent at public school expense for psychological evaluation to a major metropolitan children's hospital. I remember that I felt that I was falling into a deep pit. I knew that I did not fit into either the traditional straight world nor the gay world. I though about it, and realized that there was not much social space available for me. I had the feeling of being in deep trouble. My best friend from elementary school, seemed to be going in a gay direction by the age of 12, and we drifted apart. The interesting thing is that while I had been beaten and bullied extensively in elementary school, when I hit my teens the outward hostility lifted somewhat as I became somewhat more masculine. My problems centered around a gender identity double-bind. From the earliest age, I was aware that I had been born intersex, and that I had undergone surgery because of being intersex. This, in itself, is a different situation than non-intersex children face. I cannot begin to tell you how many thousands of dollars that I wasted trying to gain self-understanding through therapy framed in conventional terms.

One problem, is that intersex children often feel that they are the "only one". In most school situations, that is pretty much the case. If the statistic that about 1 out of every 2000 births is intersex, than most schools probably have only a few intersex students. When I was beaten by other kids, I knew that I could not talk to my parents about the abuse, because they were in general denial that I was intersex, and only rarely mentioned my situation in passing. Also, as anything having to do with genitals is a very taboo subject, I could not talk with teachers or counselors about my situation. I believe that every school district should be made aware of the problems that intersex children face, and develop programs to deal with our existence.

I know that these thoughts do not contain much specific advice on how to deal with lonliness and confusion and that many intersex people have very different life stories. One small suggestion that I have, is that there be regional meetings/potlucks so that intersex people can get the benefits of meeting face to face.

Peter

[Meresa]

Monica,

You are definitely not alone. I have had the same feelings. Remember I am only 90 miles up the road. Call me if you ever need to talk.

[cougar9q]

Thanx..... Meresa, and all... I am glad that I have this. Others don't and so that's why we need to get the word out about BLO and "intersexuality."(or atleast I do)

Monica

[Az1]

will always be in the middle,
never will know one side of things , always looking for other thoughts and knowleged who may see things differently.
The Munsters ( USA TV Show) thought a rainy day was a beautiful day.


Az1

Muhoe

[Sofie]

Hi Monica,

I don't know how to have a personal relationship with other people and I can't converse, so I have been alone most of my life. For many years I thought, that, if I tried hard enough I could work it out, but I just couldn't do it. Finally I gave up and started actually feeling better.


> or what you learned to gain a "control" of your life in times of panic....
I try to be nice to myself, eat my favourite food, light a candle, sleep, eat more of my favourite food, hug my teddy bear (it's actually a teddy rabbit), listen to "nothing compares 2u" .... If nothing helps I get drunk.
I don't listen to other peoples good advice, don't want them to tell me what they would do if they were me.

Sof i e

P.S.
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I often prefer to be alone, but feeling lonely is really hard. And sometimes I feel alone in the world when I'm the only one on the board.

[Wyn]

Sofie, (Monica/ALL too,)

I'm so glad that you can find the courage to converse with us - I particularly like your light-hearted humor, especially when it counters some dry or serious topic.:D It is much needed and appreciated!

Perhaps you are confounded by this 'hiding' disease. You certainly can keep a conversation going here!:) I do feel that you don't give yourself enough credit, but I do understand (and mirror) your plight in many ways.

Your approach to handling the 'hard' parts of our existance is also understandable - I tend to duplicate your actions in a number of ways. I suspect that those who don't have a close relationship do much the same. (I like your choice of music too:D )

I know that I find personal satisfaction in keeping my hands busy - working on my house, boat, etc. Truly, it was a boat project that kept me sane throughout the troubles with the ex and my children - with this problem, I'm probably going to have to use it again as an outlet, but I've got to get 'started' again. Harder to do the second time around. I've just got to finish it and go sailing! That alone is my 'true' outlet - a real catharsis for me.;)

I also find a great deal of solice in posting and reading here on Bodies. As the 'advertising' points out, I have found some of the companionship that I was missing in my life due to this 'hiding'. Thanks to ALL for that. I wouldn't be here without this forum.

Wyn

[Dana Gold]

I have been sick with bronchitis for the past week and therefore have not posted anything, for I ahve no PC at home, only at work.


Loneliness, I have found, can be excruciating during those times when I wished to have someone laying beside me....I wanted to reach out and touch someone...but there's noone there and I fear that there never will be. Sadly and ironically, when that feeling passes, I think that an actual relationship would present more agonies than joys for me, so then I'm glad to be by myself. I did have a very short "good time" (no sex, though) with a man who enjoyed my company...until I told him "the truth".(emotionally) ...then things got cold thereafter...and now there's nothing...oh well:(

So, like Wyn, I find a bit of "closure" interacting and posting on BLO. If not for that and my work with the University; I would be a recluse, and probably a drunken , quasi-suicidal one at that, despite my very small circle of friends (with who I don't socialize in the public very much at all with since some of their husbands and/or friends call me "he" and they call me "she"....I would be "advertised" everywhere!!).

Anyway, Monica, a connection with other people who you can trust and relate/talk with is the "saving grace" from total alienation....this has been my experience, even though, for the most part, I still keep to myself, actually enjoying solitude at times. Better that than "the other"....at the age of 54 I don't need that extra kind of stress, or worse.

Dana