Telling My Boss

[ptrinkl108]

Well, it finally happened. This morning, I told my boss that I am intersex. Next week, I plan to testify before the SF HRC Intersex Hearing. So, I filled out a Leave Of Absence Request form at my work and submitted it to my boss. She came to my office and said that I could not take the whole day off because other employees in my immediate unit had prior commitments to be out of the office. I said that at a minumum that I needed to leave at 3:00 p.m. She pressed me further on the issue, so I decided to tell her that I am intersex and the reason for my absence.

I have to say the response from my boss was positive. The first thing that I noticed was that she actually knew what being intersex means. She mentioned that there has been alot of information out in the public recently about intersex issues. (Kudos to members of BLO, Intersex Initiative, and ISNA.) I explained to her the work of "Bodies...", and the work of the SF HRC.

I am glad that I told her. She approved my leaving at 3:00 p.m. on the hearing day. Prior to this morning, I had only let one fellow employee, who is a close friend, know that I was intersex a couple of years ago. At work, I was very guarded about the information. Now, I feel that a weight has been lifted off me. Most people at work know that I am different, they just don't know the way in which I am different. I think my boss appreciated that I told her that I am intersex.

I know that often people cannot be open about being intersex at work. I am happy that I was able to tell my boss about my being intersex and she was able to accept it in a positive way.

[RGMCjim]

Good for you! What a fantastic thing you've done for yourself. You've got courage.

I'm 47, gay and intersexed. Tim (my partner of 10 yrs) and I are totally out of both closets. I've got to say that 99.9% of the time living an open, honest, unapologetic life of integrity has been the far better choice than deception, half-truth, hiding and lies.

Even if you end up confronting enemies at least you know who they are. For that matter, all your friends, friendly aquaintances, co workers etc. will too, and they will not put up with bigotry against you. I'm a social butterfly with lots of friends and it's gotten back to me that others have knocked some sense into people who react negatively to intersex and/or gay. I've been defended without ever knowing I'd been attacked. It's a comfort.

I love being able to put a positive, friendly, approachable face (sometimes more than face....) to gay/intersex. It's so validating. Welcome to life in the open.

Jim

[Glenn]

So how'd it go at the HRC?

[ptrinkl108]

Hi Jim and Glen,

Thanks for your responses. Jim, I always appreciate the positive message that you bring to this forum that openness and self-respect are great "medicine" for the heart. You are right that others will defend me. Several days before I told my boss that I was intersex, a computer engineering team, from another office, made some terrible and untrue remarks about me when I was not there. They apparently believed that bigotry was a good sales pitch for their proposal. Apparenty my boss, and her boss (who is also a woman), were deeply offended by the remarks behind my back, and my boss reported the incident to me. Apparently, the person who made the offensive remarks "gaffawed" and swatted the air with his open hand, knowing that what he was doing was wrong. So, I had a feeling that my boss would be open to my "coming out" as intersex to her. She has been very supportive. I have had incidents where consulting engineers, coming out from the Mid-West, and terrified to be working in the SF Bay Area,which is a gay cultural center, make remarks in large meetings: "We will share our engineering data with everyone in this room except you." Whether or not an intersex person is gay, I believe that homophobia often hits hard at people who are androgynous or otherwise don't fit the mold. I know that there is a theory floating around somewhere out there that if infant genital surgery is not performed on an intersex child there will be a danger that the child will grow up gay because of the trauma of growing up intersex. What a stupid theory. Given the homophobia that I have faced over the years, I sometimes wish I was gay. I feel that I might have been in a stronger position to fight back. It's difficult to be continually subject to homophobic attacks. Thanks for your support.

Glen, the SF Human Rights Commission's intersex hearing is in a couple of days, so you will be definitely hearing more after it happens. There will be several film crews present, so hopefully a record of the events will be somehow available for study afterwards. I know that the there will also be a court reporter there to transcribe the testimony, but I don't know if that will be available to the public afterwards.

Peter

[Glenn]

Given the homophobia that I have faced over the years, I sometimes wish I was gay.

Yeah, I've had girlfriends - and even my wife - ask if I was gay. 'Twould be easier in some ways if I were. But alas, that's hardly the answer.

Glenn

[Dana Gold]

"what he was doing was wrong".

"We will share our engineering data with everyone in this room except you."

Doesn't your company have any policy regarding such abuse towards its employees? I'm sorry if I'm being critical of that; but, gosh, these people need to be reprimanded....it's not only unprofessional, but highly derogatory and unethical, to say the very least.

Peter, did these brazen acts of discrimination go unreported to these so-called engineers' superiors? I.E.: they "got away with it"
If so, then these incidents are particularly disturbing; being grossly hypocritical and in a nation where "human rights" and democracy are constantly harped upon but not shared with and applicable to us "abnormals".

But, then, of course, I have experienced similar "homophobic attacks" in public life, both as a child and adult. I'm deeply empathetic and my sympathies go out to you in your plight with a job (and life) where as an employee ( and citizen ) you are subjected to such human rights violations and personal abuse, seemingly condoned and proliferated by these "professionals" and "fellow citizens".

terrible, terrible.:( :confused:


Dana:(

[ptrinkl108]

Hi Glenn and Dana,

Thanks for your concern. Glenn, you might be interested in a new book I am reading by Joan Roughgarden called "Evolution's Rainbow". I am finding it a very interesting read.

Dana, thanks for your kind words. I have looked in the human resources manual where I work, and have found that there is no protection for intersex people or transexual people. If I was gay, I could seek relief under the protection of employees due to "sexual orientation". However, my problem is not based upon my sexual orientation.

As a lesbian friend once told me, "We want a better life". There is still a long way to go.

Peter

[Betsy]

Hi Peter,

Often, you can still be a protected class under that wording because it usually encompasses "perceived" as well as actual. There have been a number of court cases where that has come into play. See you soon ;-0

Betsy

[ptrinkl108]

Hi Betsy,

Thanks for pointing out my legal options. I have to pick my battles carefully. If I had a dollar for every homophobic incident in my life, I would be doing well, if not rich. I am trying to take Jules advice, and be stronger on a day to day basis. And dispite everything, I do not feel that I am on the front lines. Where I work there is a transexual black man in his seventies, who still goes by his male name even after transitioning. I feel that he is very brave.

I mentioned the incidents, not as a prelude to talking legal action, but as examples of people defending me. Generally, I like were I work and having two women as both supervisor and department director probably saves my butt. I am a very helpful computer technician and computer network administrator who is generally well liked at work. Long ago, I realized that as an intersex person, I would probably never be permitted to have a voice in this world consistant with my education and abilities. So, like many others on this forum who work in the computer or engineering fields, I got a degree in electronics related to computers. That was the best move I ever made. Before that, I had been installing, sanding and refinishing hardwood floors for eleven years until I hurt my back. My education was paid for by the state worker's compensation system.

As I mentioned, I pick my battles carefully. For instance, I could spend time investigating the latest negative remarks made about me behind closed doors. But, personally, I would rather spend the time preparing my remarks for the upcoming SF Human Rights Commission intersex hearing.

I once took on my employment situation at the US District Court in San Francisco, where I worked at the time as a computer technician. As I was representing myself, it took months to prepare for the hearing before a federal judge, which was my right as a federal court employee. The judge was very sympathetic, as I had fixed the computers in his chambers many times. The judge was extremely angry at my boss, turning bright red. In fact I have never seen anyone so angry in my life. I probably could have gotten my job back, but I had already gotten a job paying twice as much, so I did not enter into negotiations to return to work there. The whole effort took hundreds of hours of work on my part. Also, there are questions of damages to the plaintiff. As damages are conservatively estimated, it is possible to win a case, but not come away with much. So, I guess that I believe that LGBTI legal actions should generally be class-action in nature, or reserved for really major events such as the injury or death of LGBTI people.

Peter