emotional growth

[aziatic]

I was just thinking about emotional growth and being IS. I've recently realized that I've spent the first 17 years of my life, with no emotions, no feeling of joy or anger, just ashamed to show it. Now, that I have awakened, I am trying to get my emotions and to act on them. When another used to attack my character for just acting different, I would just get ashamed and let the verbal abuse just keep coming which in a couple incidents, led to physical abuse. If anyone can relate to losing their emotions and is now trying to get them back, I would appreciate to hear if anyone else is dealing with this struggle and how to deal with it.
Aziatic

[Dana Gold]

Dear Aziatic,

For those of us who have suffered psychlogical and/or physical abuse, the effect is like a "shock to the system" or as I ahve heard it said: a mindf*ck.

I, myself, during the course of my years, have repressed the memories and effects of such abuses....stuffing them into farthest reaches of my mind......seemingly tucked away "safely"; but slowly "simmering and brewing" until when at last long these all surfaced like intermittent volcanic eruptions.

Physical trauma can heal after time; but emotional trauma is much more difficult to deal with....I have regarded my inner struggles as "battles" as in war. But it only seems to add to the misery...to "fight it". I can somewhat now realize that my emotions were a natural (NOT abnormal,as some psychs would point out to me) reaction to abuse and trauma....post-traumatic stress "disorder", nervous breakdown, whatever.

What I want to say to you is : don't regard your emotional condition as abnormal, please.

You have suffered, and now is the time to begin the healing and self-realization process. Whatever emotions surface, take a look at them, "process" their meaning and significance within YOUR (and others like you) references and not people who would say to you: "Hey, what's your problem!?" And without replying "YOU Are!!", (like me in the past:rolleyes: ), reflect upon your own reactions (and possible reactions) to that "phenomena" and how such may affect you, not "them"...for such abusive people may be "incorrigible (unable to reason with) The, do point your life forward...to your future and reclaim your life and happiness.

It will be tough, but "making peace" with oneself is crucial and should take priority, for your sake.

PS: If you can possibly walk away fron confrontational situations...do so.....try to perhaps (if such is the case) "unfreeze yourself" and remove your presence, instead of trying to remove the other/s presence/s (if such may be the case)....i.e. avoid trouble if at all possible.

Take care.


Dana:)

[aziatic]

Dear Dana,
Thanks for the advice, I'm just always yearning for purity of the mind. It gets frustrating, but I'm just going to look to the future in a positive light. Hopefully, one day I'll get the guts to go to a phyciatrist who can relate to being IS and can relieve some of the mind troubles

[kimflow]

I completely understand what you mean by feeling no emotion and to only recently start 'feeling.' I had surgery to decrease the size of my clitoris when I was 23. At 29 I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for depression. I was more depressed after having the surgery then I was before. I've waisted so time 'sleeping' through life. I wish I'd had therapy before the surgery. At least to understand myself better. Now, when I try to explain to my therapist the need to shout to the world who I am she just asks, why? You had the surgery, you're normal now and no one can tell that anything was done. I can't explain to her the need to feel loved and accepted inspite of my condition not loved and accepted because they don't know about my condition. I've lived with this secret most of my life. Not able to talk to anyone about it until my late 20s when I finally spoke with a doctor. I see now that the 'secret' is no 'big deal' because everyone is beautiful in their own unique way. But, I am having trouble convincing my younger self (the me who lived with the secret) that all is fine and it always has been. I guess I want people to understand what I went through for 20+ years and what I'm going through now.

[Rudy]

Hiya Aziatic
Your post here really caught my attention. I have had to look back at my life "growing up that is". Alot lately. I remember having teachers tell me that i needed to stand up for myself when i was younger. Not that i was teased alot or picked on all that often. Just that when i was i didnt really do anything, no response, no reaction, no signs of emotional distress or aggravation. I just remembering feeling dead inside. Very few things bothered me as a kid. I kept alot of my feelings hidden. That was how i coped with life.
Nowadays im alot different. Too many years keeping things bottled up inside has forced me too open up alot. Also caused some truely foolish things too, like my 2 overdoses. alot of ranting and raving. I'd say that after holding things in for so long well the bottle had to break eventually.
Now i cant stop talking, feeling. Things are changing, cant say all are good, but overall better then before.
So as to too not feeling, well ive been there and sometimes bounce back to that state of beeing from time to time.
My own life experiences has made me both weaker and stronger all depending on what subject/topic is being discussed or debated and what not.

After all i was raised as a boy, fairly athletic as a teen, not aggressive like most guys, I wasn't very macho, i didnt tease or pick on other kids. I didn't get in alot of fights. I was sort of the nice quiet boy that got along with just about everyone.
I spent 4 years in the USARMY. INFANTRY, proving to myself that i could and found out i was intersexed, XY/XO thats 45X/46XY- Mixed Gonadal Dysgenisis/true hermaphrodite. In my case whats inside im not sure are actually ovaries, they dont look quite right, I actually believe them to be ovo-testies. And well my Penis? if you want to call it that, well lots of surgery there. What im able to prove is that the Glans didnt develope. The corpus cavernosa, thats the two chamber that make the penis erect, were surgically shaped/ transformed into what looks like the Glans. So im pretty much left with a very small/short Phallus. I say Phallus as well there are other differences too Like what i was told were my bulboreatheral glands. They should sit just below my prostate. straddling either side of the Uretha, between the prostate and the base of the Penis. Instead what i was told are my bulborethal glands sit underneath the base of my phallus/penis under the bulboretheal bulb. and well theres this tiny little organ in between them. It sort of moves back and forth with my blood flow/circulation. Thats about the best that i can describe it. Fact is the only time i have ever seen anything like that is from watching the medical health channel on the developing fetus. It looks alot like what would be seen on a 20 week old fetus, as the developing penis and testies. But then thats my opinion. Not a professional one. As the Radiologist at the time said that sometimes that is present sometimes its not. So for me well i just havent been able to find that in any medical textbooks yet. So im debating what my Phalus is. the big Question is "is it actually a Male Penis that s just wasnt fully developed" or is it an "overdeveloped clitoris that simply looks like a Penis. I havent been able to get those answers yet. More scar tissue over the perineum, Maybe combination peroneal hypospadis, labial/scrotal folds didnt close. Scars go very deep threw the smooth muscle. I cant get a straight answer there either from doctors. I got intio a big argument with the radiologist over this too. He didnt mention it on his report. So now my doctors pretty much say i have a delusional gender identity disorder. rather then being intersexed.
Having a few stray y chromosones makes things develope differently so i dont know exactly what everything is. Socially some people could say hay its a Penis. But this is the Kicker. I dont Care what Doctors and other people say it is just because it looks like a penis. I care for what it actually is Technically. Anatomically.
Many Doctors recommend people like me being reassigned female. Some go so far as to state that regardless of genetic sex; with the higher risk of cancer in the testies , these testies should be removed, and the child reared as a female. Some Doctors advise parents to terminate pregnancies as well. As there is also a higher risk of mental retardation. <--- that is probably one of the coldest things i have ever heard about, coming from medical professionals, but it is true nonetheless. I look at myself and wonder, I happen to be exceptional smart hehe. gifted even especially when it comes to the brain. I have an excellent memory, mechanically inclined, technically apt, and what not and so on. Basically I have a great brain. But Doctors well, sometimes i think that there training that they recieve, is terribly outdated.
Back to being emotionally dead, well what ive typed above is me. It has shaped how i think and how i feel. For a long time i didnt want to know what it was. i just wondered why me.
Now i want to know everything. that makes me "me".
Doctors dont get that. Just about everyone here does. My Freinds get that too. So for emotions now im a lot more lively.

Life is much brighter when you know the truth.
Rudy A. Alaniz

[aziatic]

Hey guys!
I'm glad you can relate to what I'm saying, I had just had a little smoke when I wrote that and it made alot more sense to me when I wrote it in the altered state of mind. Anyways about the emotions, I'd say emotions are really important to us and emotions is what makes us, well us. Gradually, I have been going through the path of self discovery, I have been getting my emotions back which has helped me in relationships. I went through a stage where I had so much anxiety around 99% of people that I could rarely even hold up a conversation. Very recently, I've felt some joy and managed to laugh and felt sad and even managed to shed a couple tears, things that I can't recall doing in the past. Unfortunately thought with the emotions that I am getting baCK, those awful ones I can't ignore. You see, I'm starting to question my gender and I've been getting these migraine headaches alot that are just unbearable. In a way, I think I'm ready to shut back down again but I feel that if I just find one close friend who can really know me, alot of the pressure on my head will be relieved.

Sincerely
Aziatic

[Shodan]

Like this is now my life without the wool over my eyes.

Its difficult to describe, but I feel that my life up until this point has been a lie.
Its sometimes difficult to know what was me, and what was taught to me to MAKE me a girl.

Does that make sense?

[uriela]

Yes, Shodan, it does.

[Sofie]

Hey aziatic

I know it's hard to control emotions. Sometimes I feel anger and that's something really powerfull and it scares me. I've read so much about using the energy in one's emotions to do something usefull, but sometimes it compares to lighting a candle with a rocket-engine.

My own experience with migraine is, that it's best to take some pain-medication as soon as it starts hurting. Trying to tough it out just makes it worse.

Sof