New kid on the block

[Kara]

Hello everyone,

I finally took the step to reach out to get some support from other intersex people online. I am more of a face-to-face kinda gal, but because I can't find any other intersex people in Michigan, I am here reaching out for help.

Admitting I need help is a hard thing for me because I'm the one eveyone comes to for assistance. I work in the psychiatric social work field. It is a blessing and a curse sometimes because if I truely want to be good at what I do, I have to follow my own advise that I would give the people I see. Sooooo here I am.

I'm just feeling lonely, angry and frustrated. Since discovering my intersex condition two years ago, I have been kicked out of my church (and a few others shortly thereafter), my family disowned me and won't discuss what they know, my spouse divorced me, and my friends left me too. People at work treat me like I have the plague. I'm kind of feeling like I'm the only one even though I know that's not the case.

I really need to get back to work now. I just wanted to say hi to everyone and vent a little.

Thanks for coming to my pity party!!!

[Meresa]

:sign16: Welcome Kara. Sorry to hear about your problem with friends and family.

Could you tell us a bit more about what your intersex condition is?

[ptrinkl108]

Hi Kara,

Welcome to the Bodies... forum. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a rough time around your discovery that you are intersex. I am saddened to hear that your family disowned you, and that your spouse divorced you. This surprises me somewhat, as I assume that your parents and spouse knew physically who you were before your own discovery of your being intersex. I have never been married, but I would hope that your spouse would be confortable with who you are physically before marriage. I have read that intersex people have often been happily married in the past, but that these marriages sometimes scandalized doctors and police who were threatened by these "non-traditional" couples. I would like to hear more about how you feel about being treated so badly.

Peter

[Kara]

Meresa,

Thanks for writing me back!!! Rather than write a book (actually I know a doctor who keeps nagging me to write one about my life and condition), I'll just redirect you to the "general health questions" portion of this site. I wrote "has anyone seen symptoms like these before". There you can get a better understanding of my condition. I don't have a name for which syndrome I have yet. I kind of ran out of money spending thousands of dollars over the years on one misdiagnosis after another. Two years ago I ran into someone who was somewhat knowledgable about intersex and I was told that I have an intersex condition. She was the first person to help me make some sense out of something that made no sense. I really need more testing (mainly for my own peace of mind about my body), but I will have to wait until I can see another doctor.

It was really wierd finding out a lot of things about my past that I wasn't aware of. I almost felt like I was living out the first "The Matrix" movie. I had one reality about myself one day and then woke up to another reality the next day. My family covered up a lot of things and kept them from me. It seems like everyone in my family had bits and pieces about me. Everyone but me. What a thing to mess with one's mind.

Part of what I do to keep my sanity is speak at colleges and conferences about intersex. While it helps me, I'm not so sure I want to be the posterchild for intersex. I just want to blend in. It is kind of hard when you look something like David Bowie (that's how I feel anyway). So I'm in the process of figuring out who I am now that I have the "what I am" question answered.

[Kara]

Peter,

Thanks for your support. To answer your question, I don't know just how much my parents actually knew about my condition other than I had to have some sort of genital surgury as a baby. Apparently I had enough "guy parts" to justify going that direction. Most of my condition appears to be very much endocrine in nature. Maybe they didn't know anything else was wrong. My dad was teasing my son (from my first marriage) one day when they asked him if he was part boy and part girl like his daddy. I have no idea why he would have said that, especially since he said that 6 years before I found out about my condition. There were other wierd thing in my past too. My mother is always worried about what the neighbors will say, she keeps eveything hush hush. Appearances are everything to her.

I thought my second wife would stay with me. Her leaving and divorcing me was a total shock. I used to think that I was transexual, so I let her know even before our first date. She was totally cool with that. I had no plans of ever becoming a woman, I just always felt like I was a girl. I guess it was one thing to be married to someone who thought he was a girl and quite another thing to find out your husband actually was a girl. The reason I started living as a female last year is becase of the body changes I am experiencing from hormone therapy I have to take to stay well. See "General Health Questions" and look under "has anyone seem symptoms like these before" for a better explaination of me.

It's really hard to not be bitter about everyone I loved abandoning me, but I do know that the bitterness will kill me. I struggle every day. I pray a lot, and tell God off a lot too. I'm glad to know that He's big enough to take it and not leave me. Thanks again for being there Peter.

[cougar9q]

I wanted to give you a belated Welcome to Bodies Kara... I find your courage under you current situation inspiring... I too like the others am saddened how many people that you were close to have left. So are you feeling better about your identity now? I know that within the past two years I have obsessed about whether I was a "true boy or girl" Now I really don't care too much about how others perceive me. I simply am Monica. Whether you call me a boy or girl, or even an intersexual I don't really "attach" myself to any label. That's what the world expects from us... to give us a nice little label to have a way to understand or treat us. I think that if they took the time to know you, then any labeling would be un-needed. Best of luck and hang in there!


Monica

[Kara]

Monica,

Thanks for the welcome. It's great to finally have some support. Finding out about myself explained a lot of things to me and helped me to realize that I'm not "crazy" as so many people in the past have made me feel. As far as being okay with myself, I was almost fine until people stated harrassing me since "coming out". I come from a very religious fundamentalist Christian background and getting slammed by so many "Christians" really hurts. It doesn't seem to matter how much medical evidence I can present. People only believe what they want to believe.

I want to fit into a neatly defined catagory of female or male. I realize I won't. How does one come to being okay with the way others (and yourself too) percieve you? A lot of my hang-ups come from my mother, she always was concerned what others think. As if we ever have control of that. How do I stop feeling like an "it" and get back to feeling like a human?

[Dana Gold]

Dear Kara,

It doesn't seem to matter how much medical evidence I can present

Being "thrown away' by friends and loved ones is exceedingly painful, but if there is one thing in life I have learned, it is that to try to justify your "self" to others (by "proving" to them the why and whereabouts of your life) is counter-productive. This process tends to take away from you and give to them, it is dis-empowering and is relinquished to those who would not appreciate it, nor understand, and may only tend to confuse them as well as yourself. Who you are is different than what you are. It may have influenced where you are today, however, I feel the important thing is to focus on yourself, not "them". I , too, have focused on "them", not so much to affirm my own reality, but just to vent my anger etc. That is why we have a support grp. And to rely upon medical evidence, which in your case, is mysterious to begin with, may lead you astray. How can you prove anything to others and yourself, when the evidence you rely upon is not clearly there. I believe that medical evidence is important for knowing what you are physically. As for who?....Look inward, connect with your psyche, "dive" into the depths of your own life (instead of "drowning" in "theirs"....and the discovery therein is all the proof you need to affirm your existence and life. The relying upon others and medical proof is like a diversion....it will propel you further from your own life and the way you want/need to live it. Clarity of self (who) comes about through introspection and not desparately seeking answers from "out there", especially from the medicals! What could they know about you, right?
( ooops, I dood it... "doc-bashing" :redface: )....anyway, live your life and continue to take care of your health. New friends and life await you if you head in that direction.

PS
I edited this after posting: I just now realized you are a counselor and probably know the above, hopefully I didn't come across to you to be "bypassing " your own expertise in psycho-social matters. Just wanted to help.


Take care

Dana

:smile:

[Dana Gold]

Being "thrown away' by friends and loved ones is exceedingly painful,

Dear Kara,

After re-reading my above post, I felt I may have been somewhat harsh in my "support", but support it was as I have been through that.....rejection and shock reactions by friends and also went through a divorce. I should have acknowledged your right to and dignity of the "grieving process". I should talk!...when I first came to BLO, I had almost hysterical posts for awhile and "ranting ones later :redface: ...But it was not an admonishment what I said....it was a guideline to self-redemption and a new life and..... as we know, it is a process that takes time....denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance and "living" after we have experienced the pain. I, too, tried to find "reasons" for the who I am, even after finding out the what I am. The only reason for the both is.....it simply is .......and for those that can't/won't understand...perhaps with time, some may come "to get used to you"...for those that don't/won't.....these , then are not for your life, as horrible as the fact may be. For those that rejected me in the past, I have "replaced" those with true friends and acquaintences that have been "much better" for my life than the former. A loss become a gain, actually, especially in terms of the self.

Anyway, I wish the best for you and your journey to self-redemption and happiness.

Dana :smile:

[Kara]

Dana,

I didn't take anything you said as being harsh, just reality. I in fact do already know what you have told me, but there is a difference between knowing something and putting it to practice in your life. I'm just now starting to get tired of feeling sorry for myself so I'll need to put your honest advice to use. It really helps hearing it from others. Thanks for being real!!!

How have other IS people come to terms with their bodies and increased their self-esteem?

[Dana Gold]

difference between knowing something and putting it to practice in your life.
Ohhh, and isn't that the truth. :interesti

Thanks for being real!!!
You're very welcome!! And as I relate a lot of things to people, it encourages me to hear my own words, as a "reality check". :idea2:

How have other IS people come to terms with their bodies and increased their self-esteem?

By cursing doctors! :rolleye11 ..........just kidding!! :wink:


Take care. :smile:

[aziatic]

Hey Kara,
Happy you found the site, Crazy story and I can't believe your wife left you even after she knew you had gender issues. Anyways, wish you the best of luck in your new life

Sincerely,
Aziatic

[Az1]

Kara,
I am very much Intersexed, I know what you mean about being left out.
I have told individuals of my own life and I have lost them all too.
I am a protestant, I have lived my life and I have let people judge me.
This is where I have ended up , seeking help from others who have been where I have been to, going where I have been and taking advice from those
here who have gave me really great advice.
If you are a true christian then only one can judge you and only one has made you like him.
He knows you inside and out and he knows you have love.
Believe in him and he will lead you to new friends.
Families are a bitch because they do not understand and will not comprehend you. They think you are lashing out because you have something that is real.
Everyone has had a headache but try a fu^*ed up life and finding no one in life to help you figure it out.
I welcome you to Bodies like ours and if you ever have a comment,question or just want to say hi, friends are always surfing by.
down southern way- ohio-
Az1