Jules!

[Sunshine1]

Jules,

How is school coming along?

Aimee

[Jules]

I was wondering if you would write back. I sent you a pm a while ago but

you must of missed it!!

Muchas gracias!!! Thank you for asking about my school work.

El gusto es mio, when you ask me about my school work.

right now I'm taking spanish, and I'm loveing it. All i have left is my math and

science classes and I will graduate. I have been in college for ten years

because I kept dropping out every time I would get new boyfriend. This time

I'm not backing out becuase my girlfriend is a profesora of B.U. college and

she is the best tutor I could have wished for. I will be honest though, I still

have major sexual ambiguity about if I really want to be involved with a man

or woman sexualy and romanticly. It is a terrible struggle within to feel pulled

in both directions. I'm also one of those people who develops strong feelings

for people so it is not easy to keep crossing the line back and forth. School

keeps the focus off my sex life for now. I have dreams about graduating

school and just getting on a plane and just leaving everything behind. I do

want to move on to my Batch. I'm trapped in the job I have now because I

really need health insurance. But the day I'm able to quit my job and move on

to something better will feel like getting out of prison. School has really

changed my life. There is a saying that once you really start learning for

yourself you become the eternal student. There are a lot of people who

[color=darkred]brains are like concrete[/color]

[color=darkblue]All mixed up,and set in stone!![/color] I'm trying so hard to

let my education change the way I think, the way I live, and how I see

myself based on what I've learned in the past few years. I am not the same

pesron that i was just two years ago because of my schooling.

I remember about a year and a half ago, I was posting on this site and a

bunch of members stated ganging up on me. You jumped right in and stated

that no doctor in there right mind was going to let me leave the hosptial with

all the medical problems I was going to have because of my condition.

I will always remember the support you gave me Amiee :regular_s

Thanks!!

[Sunshine1]

Dear Jules,

I'm glad that school is going well for you. You're going to help a lot of people when you're done. I've always liked your posts because you're writing is so positive despite everything that you've been through. Sorry, I got your pm but the chemo and radiation was a little much at the time and writing something coherent back was impossible.

I don't believe that any doctor spends however long it takes to get through medical school and a lifetime of learning to mutilate or put anyone in harms way. The surgeon and endo did what they thought was right and acted accordingly to the decade and the knowlege of the time period. What makes me happy is knowing that there are stronger support pillers in place now at the university hospital where I was to help someone born like us navigate in this society. I knew that my surgery needed to be done but what I really needed was a guidebook for things that people assumed would come to me with ease. I think the support you had is one of the reasons that you're able to be positive. I was studied like a specimen which was good for CAH but made me distrust and feel alienated from people. The doctors thought according to the medical notes that I was a happy outgoing child but at ten years old after another external and internal genital exam by yet another resident that I had never seen before later that night commiting suicide seemed like a really good idea to me. That resident at the U of Mich would of been mortified that his actions caused me to seriously consider ending my life. I'm lucky at ten that I didn't have the resources to do it but I did try twice in my twenties.

Unfortunately, I do like men but I really think that lesbians have an easier time of things but on the other hand I really don't relate well to women and I guess that comes from being sliced up to match my female chromsomes and internal sex organs. I've always felt second rate to them and felt like there is a inner understanding among women that I just don't pick up on. Here the doctors thought they were trying to help me by fixing the error of sexual differentation but instead they put me in a position where I developed self-hatred just by looking in the mirror. I like that the cortisone helps me in times of physical illness because lacking cortisol to help you during an adrenal crisis is horrible. The vomiting, the weakneess, losing consciousness is horrible but also the cortisone suppresses the androgens like in regular folk. I sometimes don't feel up to snuff as a female even though I'm always addressed as one and people tell me that I'm cute. I've tried to bring this up with the Nurse Practitioner at my Endo's office but all she does is just ignore any real concern of mine. I try to be positive and people say that I have a good attitude and that I'm funny. But the clitorectomy and the reason behind is a bit much for most men and now the cancer. It's a lot to handle even for me and nevermind some nice guy.

I have a degree but the field doesn't make anything and I was thinking about going back to school myself. The job that I have now pays a little more than my field of study (Bachelor of Social Work) but there isn't any advancement although right now I'm just happy that I have a job at all. I've worked at parks, resteraunts, retail stores, social service agencies but this one has the most autonomy yet. I hate to bring up any job because of those darn researchers and my job is with all men but they help ...it's not like I'm one of the guys.

Working in a deli at a supermarket is great benefits and I do think of you wheN I go to mine. I know it is hard work. Do you have to get up at three o'clock in the morning to make catering trays or are you a manager and get to come in at six? like that is much better. The skills and interacting with people at the job you have now will pay off in your career after you graduate. Everything connects for a reason and you might not see it until later.

I'm glad that I was able to give you support back then because many times I've read your posts and been in better spirits because of them.

I do try to be positive even though this post might contradict that and I'm very glad that you're enjoying spanish. No yo habla espanol myself but I've started to listen to jazz and have been to a couple of art museums recently. I know what you mean by trying new things! it's refreshing!

AIMEE

[Sunshine1]

Jules,

I also liked that you tried to bring up issues like drug abuse. For myself it was excessive alcohol drinking and I've been sober for two years.

aimee