You know what, Peter?

Screw everything, and screw my needing credibility. I just heard back from the specialist md who was previously proposing surgery, if he could make it fly with my insurance. Now he wants more time-consuming tests and study before making a move. This time they want a full abdominal and pelvic Ct-scan. Quite ironic that if there was nothing to see, they wouldn't be proposing it.

At the rate my health is sinking, and the way it feels like the life is just getting sucked out of me, I'm out of time. I'm too sick to return to work, and all my savings will be gone soon. And it's over. When my heartbeat stops, that will be just a formality.

Hi Priestess,

I have never said that you are lying. I just believe that if you make a claim to having an extreme intersex condition, that there should be supporting evidence. If you can provide documentation that you underwent a childhood vaginoplasty, there will be all sorts of people wanting to document your case and interview you. If you can provide solid evidence, such as medical records and the testimony of the doctors who performed the treatment, you will achieve some sort of intersex fame. Personally, I am more of the school that being intersex and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee. You can attack me all you want, but it does not strengthen your case. I am left wondering why if the doctors performed a childhood vaginoplasty on you, that they left a normal male penis intact and did not remove it. I think that half-way measures in a child would be very cruel, and possibly endanger the child's life at the hands of others.

I believe that you have probably had a vaginoplasty as an adult. That is the only thing that I believe that could lead to statements such as: "Even the most critical doctor I've been to insisted that I'd had surgery to put a vaginal canal into me and remove my prostate and spermatic chords. Which isn't true, as far as I know". I have to believe that there is a kernal of truth in this doctor's statement, or else I would have to believe that every statement that you have ever attributed to a doctor is suspect.

You mentioned having had a camera scope pass from your colon to your vaginal canal. This passage could be an anal-vaginal fistula, which is a dangerous possible complication of vaginoplasties.

I hope that you quickly get the medical treatments that you need. I am afraid that your quest for an intersex identity might be complicating your medical treatments, and indeed endangering your life.

Peter

Fine Peter, two or three posts ago you were saying I had a normal male anatomy. Now you say you think I had an vaginaplasty with the additional surgery of removing my prostate and spermatic chords, those being extras because they aren't included in the standard vaginaplasty. And then you apparently think I had some other doctor close it all up and reconstruct a micro-penis from whatever bits and pieces remained- just so I could try to have an intersexed identity? The mindset and motivations that would go into doing all that would confuse even me.

Is an intersexed identity such a good thing to have that I would die for it? Probably not. There are good people here who I am friends with, and though I'd hope they'd like me for myself instead of my just being a symptom list, that is something I may never know.

In terms of adult vaginaplasties, for about 3 months this last summer I had enough money to afford one, and had exceeded all of the stated SOC rules. And in that brief time period, I was told that there was one requirement I hadn't fulfilled, the mental illness requirement of needing to be "gender dysphoric" while I fulfilled all the other rules. My obedience was not enough. They believed I had physical intersexed symptoms after seeing most of the medical reports, and apparently you are not allowed to be a transsexual if you have a physical reason. And it was then that they dropped me as a client.

Afterwards, I've since had to spend almost $6000 to date in out-of-pocket medical expenses to try for simple relief of my suffering, and some living expenses. And my life's savings will run out soon. It's all over.

I've been asked to either end this conversation or make it private, so I will. This thread was supposed to be about dreaming and memory anyways, not about arguing over personal validity. I should be ashamed of myself.
So unless we can take the subject to a more productive and supportive level, we should stop talking about it.

Dreams
 

I have dreams about all different types of boats and bodies of water.

What the the hell does it mean?

I don't know :-) Do you like boats and the ocean and stuff? I like the sea.

Then again, I never thought mine meant too much until looking back on them they meant a lot. I'm planning on revisiting more places from my childhood to see if they stir up any mental images.

A realization
 

Still at it with identifying who you are. It is not worth the time.
kinda like proving that airplanes can't fly.

Have A nice Day

Az1