[Kailana]

I would have to say that for me, it is the simple questions that parents seem to refuse to acknowledge. Being asked over and over if your happy, as a boy, then as a young man, just added more confusion as i became more and more aware that something really must be wrong. It seemed as though everytime i asked why i was constantly being asked if i was happy, no one, would actually tell me anything. That i believe is where my gender identity confusion really began. I mean i knew i wasnt happy. I knew i should have been a girl. I guess that sort of fits with the usual Transsexual concepts of being in the wrong body, in a way. It's just that all the medical secrecy about me and my body could of been, should of been told to me when i was a lot younger. When i found out why, at 22, It nearly destroyed me. To this day i am still wondering why it is so difficult to get straight answers. I still have questions that Parents and Doctors refuse to answer. I know from reading some of the other posts that I am not alone in this. I believe, alot of my personnal problems all have developed from simple not knowing enough about what was done. I believe, living each day with questions of who i really am casts a shadow on how I see myself. A small sense of doubt, questioning if i am only what doctors have made me into, or in another view point, i am only what doctors can make me into. This sort of goes with the transitioning status I am currently going through. The simple things people see, the body of a man, who is transitioning to woman. Wondering if people will understand and accept that i am female? I know there are many other XY/XO people who live as men, some who live as woman. Thing is , is it really the body shape, that makes a man a man or a woman a woman? Is it only what other people see and percieve me as that makes me a man or a woman? I'm really not sure where i am going with all this. I guess its hard to get the right words out. I want the world to see me as a woman. But my physique is so damn heavyset/muscular. Doubt, i guess, is what troubles me the most. Wondering, just wondering if people will understand. i hope they will, so far, the people i have met seem to understand. i just wonder though. I mean i do seem tobe alot happier, now adays, i am going back to school and all, i have desires again. The years of chronic depression are fading, i still get a little stressed out from time to time, overall though things have been alot better. i feel like im rambling now. Thanks for making me think priestess.