[FindingHope]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by your responses in a great way and the acceptance of me wanting to be here being labeled 'normal' if there really is such a thing. I met him a year ago at a work conference, he was at a booth down the row from me. We talked several times and exchanged business cards. I emailed him thanking him for something he did for someone else and we have been emailing ever since. In Feb or so, he told me that he had something to share with me and that I was the only one he felt he could trust and that he really believed that outside his son, that I was his best friend. He shared his discovery which wasn't long before he told me. He emailed it and quickly, because I'm sure he was frightened by what I might think, he emailed saying, i wish I wouldn't have told you. I left my office and called him because I wanted him to know asap that I was so blessed to feel he could share such a deep hurt and secret with me. I have told him from the beginning that it didn't matter to me, that I cared for the person inside, I cared for the friendship that we had developed and that NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, would ever change that. I still feel the same way. He hasn't accepted this totally for himself and my heart hurts for him because I wish I could snap my fingers and fix it for him so that he would just find peace and be happy about whatever choice he feels is right for him. To just love himself. I will stand behind him 100%.

Perhaps the hardest part for me is that I really have fallen for him in wishing that we could be more than friends. And we have shared a few intimate moments that have been beautiful and he has shared that he has never felt that way before because I allowed him to be himself. That is how much I care for him. He has helped me tremendously as well since I will celebrate being a survivor of being a victim of rape 5 years ago. He is the first person that I have trusted myself to share my story in detail to besides my therapist. Because not as extreme as the rejection you seem to get, I too get rejected for people don't want to know. They have a hard time because it relates to something sexual. Well, I had to come to terms with that because I made a choice to not have anything rob me from having a life that would be fulfilling and free. I didn't want the person who raped me to win. And by living the rest of my life paralyzed in fear, I would be letting that happen. My friend helped me to trust him as well and has told me that he wants to be there for me.

However, with him dealing so new with the intersex issues and having so many unanswered questions, I feel like he pulls away sometimes and it hurts, but I am making every effort I can to just let him know that I am still there. I want him to know that as you here have shared. Because of his fears, that is why I started doing my own searches for this kind of sight. I want to understand and I too have lots of questions. I want to be able to help him find answers. Like should he have genetic testing done to help resolve some of the questions???? I don't know??? I really don't know what to tell him or how to advice him. So as he has sad days, I have sad days patiently waiting, hoping that one day he will trust me enough to let his guard down and share his heart and not be afraid of what we can be together. And yet, maybe we will only be best friends. I would rather have that than not have his friendship at all. He has shared briefly, when he has had too much too drink, but to frightened to let it just happen.

So, I'm getting to know you, my new friends. I have absolutely no issues with any of this. One of my good friends is gay and I do lots of fun things with him and his partner, movies, out to eat, gymnastic meets. We have lots of fun. Perhaps I'm really weird or something, but I am so not judgmental of people and who or what they are. I believe that we never have that right to make judgments or assumptions about people. I really have a high acceptance of people in general I guess. My mom once told me when I was sharing about a friend of mine and years later met that person, she was shocked that he was black because I never mentioned it. She said that she realized what a gift I had to not label people as a description of them. I just don't think about it in that way. I see what is inside and how they treat people and how they treat themselves. I see the beauty from within that matters and should be what influences others. I want my friend to know that I accept him but I also need him to accept that I accept him. And he struggles with that. That someone would really not reject him.

Sorry for going on and on . . . . . I have so many things to learn from all of you at this sight. I will most likely be leaning on you a lot for advice and input. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN AND WILL HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO BE WHO YOU ARE. I WANT TO BELIEVE IN THAT FOR YOU. Realistic or not depending on your beliefs, I believe that hope's force brings us to hopes purpose, which brings us to hope's ultimate destiny. Everyone of us has a story to tell, a story that will have a great impact on someone else. A story that is meant to help someone, to bring life to someone, even if it is just one person or you are destined to help hundreds. I learned to go from being a victim to being a survivor and thought that I had arrived, but one day I realized that being a survivor wasn't enough. I wanted to thrive. We all have a right to thrive with who we are. I want my friend to thrive. I want all of you to thrive.

My friend left me these thoughts last night: 'it's surreal to be in this position. I know my happiness hinges on this. Not who I am with but who I am and how to feel normal. Yet im not normal by anyones sense of the word and that drives me nuts. Im one everyone depends on to tdo the right thing. always on top of my game and always the level headed one most of the time. yet inside Im scared to let my gurad down afraid to let anyone see me for who I really feel I am.

Secret thoughts keep welling up..things I suppress so deep Ive never consciously acknowledged them. Im attracted to girls but not in a sexual sense...well that too, I'm not attracted to men in a sexual sense at all, my attraction to girls..hmmmm how do I say this...longing??? so weird. so I press it back . . . . . '

I feel lost as to what to say and is it enough for him for me to just tell him it is okay and that I am here for him??????

Again, thanks for all of your responses so far. Just wanting to understand so that I can truly be there as his friend.