When do you tell?

[Dianne]

That's the response I had my fingers crossed for to

Hope everything continues to work out for you.

The fellow I had been seeing disappeared from the face of the earth after our "little talk" - I didn't expect anything else.

[Kara]

Has anyone seen my date? We were supposed to meet for lunch this past Tuesday after having our awesome date the day before. It was my dates idea for our second date. She called me right before our lunch date and cancelled...it sounded legit, she even said she would call me that evening to reschedule for this weekend. I didn't hear back from her so I called her Tuesday night and left a voicemail. I never got a reply from her. I called her again on Wednesday and left a voicemail. I still haven't gotten a reply from her. I'm not calling again. For someone who didn't seem to mind that I'm IS, she sure has a funny way of showing it. Look, I realize I can do better and I know there is someone out there for me, I just hate having to deal with rejection over and over again for something I had no control over. I'm really hurt. I can see someone thinking about it afterward and not being able to handle it, but at least call, email, or something! I hate it when people are rude. Hmm...enough venting. Thanks everyone for listening to me gripe.
Kara

[Priestess]

Even if it's purely social like a first date, 99% of normal people are turned off by knowing about intersex. If they say it's not a problem, that's because they're trying to be polite. Telling someone on the first date tends to leave the impression that you are assuming that the relationship is going end up between the sheets, which is the only place where the physical reality matters. And telling her before it appears necessary (in her eyes) says that you have issues on the subject. And when someone is making their first impression of you and hasn't had the chance to feel real desire, that's all it takes to kill things before they began.

(as an expert in how /not/ to find love in this world, I certainly have learned many of the ways to fail)

[Kara]

Hi Priestess,
Just a little clairification...I have had indepth ongoing telephone conversations with this person for a while. This wasn't totally like a blind date. Sex never was a motive on either one's part, it goes against both of our premarital sex views. For reasons I'll keep to myself, it was necessary to have "the talk" with this person due to a subject matter we previously talked extensively about. Besides, polite people might humor someone until they could get away, but she stayed with me for another 3 hours after I told her and then she asked me out on a second date. It's always a gamble where you hope for the best.
Kara

[Dana Gold]

Might it be possible that something has influenced her to where she is hurting also, and afraid to tell you the reason why....perhaps she is sorting this out and doesn't know how to manage it, afraid of hurting you. Better to hurt with silence (or a lie) than the truth...which may be much worse and cause greater damage; The sort of thing people do at times when close to each other.

Just my thoughts and feelings on the matter; I am only "guessing".

Dana

[Dianne]

Sorry to hear that things have fizzled Kara.

I hate to say it but "Bye!" and silence are the two most common after-effects of "the talk", at least in my experience.

I just hate having to deal with rejection over and over again for something I had no control over.

Unfortunately we rattle the foundations of what most people take for granted and precious few people can handle that. I have been disappointed to find how terribly superficial and shallow most people are. If I care for someone, it is the spirit, the personality that attracts me and I really don't give a tinker's dam about the details of the package but it seems people who feel the same way are very rare.

One thing that I have noticed is that the longer you have known someone, the less effect disclosure has on the friendship.

At least we have our own little "community" and can appreciate each other (most of the time )

[Kara]

I always tell my patients that not everything is about them. I really need to practice what I preach. I got a phone call tonight from my missing date. Turns out she is having a difficult time dating in general because she's not quite over her ex. Going out on our date just brought up some unresolved feelings. She reasurred me that she really is okay with me being IS. She apologized to me and we talked for quite awhile. We have agreed to go out now and then, take things slow, and just develop our friendship and see what happens later on. Do I ever feel like a dufus for jumping to conclusions. You know what they say when you assume things...
Kara

[short311fan]

very cool..... sometimes it's good to take things slow like that..... better to give things time to develop naturally and let old wounds heal than to jump in blind and become just another rebound

now, back to watching The Police from tonight's Grammy's..... repeatedly..... i got chills, man, chiiiiiiillllllls! lol

[Melisma]

I'm in a sort-of similar position. I found out about my Swyer's almost two years ago, but I haven't told my mother. I'm not sure whether or not I really need to, except that I feel bad keeping secrets from her. The thing is, I know she'll be wonderful about it, but I'm also fairly sure she'll feel guilty about it somehow, like it's her fault, or feel sorry for me. She still gets misty-eyed whenever there's a news report about the effects of smoking on a fetus because smoked through both pregnancies and both of us have asthma.