Memories of mother....& Me..

[steve/lisa]

I have been thinking of the very early yrs all week,It just seems to pour out of my brain.Here comes the sun and I say it's alright,Little darling,Feels like yrs;Have fear little darling there coming,There just outside your mind,The demons are wanting to haunt you again,Here comes the sun,It's alright this time little darling,You are perpared to fight them this time little one,They have no power over you this time, little Lisa.
Mother was a little strange at best most of the time,When I was between 5 and 6 yrs old,She would either pawn off my siblings for a night or two,Or she would talk father into taking them camping for the wk end.But I was to young to go or I was needed there to keep her company.
About an hour after they left,Mother would call lisa to come to her room,She would then strip me down naked and start to dress me in my lisa cloths.By then I really liked the colors she picked out for me,And I did'nt object as much by then either.In the beginning I got spanked alot or slapped,scolded,or worse pulled around the room and flopped down in her chair and make me cry and pout for awhile.
Those were the yrs in my life,When she paid alot of attention to me.She would often get mad at lisa and she knew if she just ignored me for awhile,A few days,That when we were alone and she called for lisa,I'd be willing to do anything to get her attention.If I were a good girl,She would be really nice to me;She always made me wear a dress,She would say lady's always wear dresses,Pants are for gardening in,Or lazy women.A dress always show you have class,To be proper looking is a must.
All the time we did this,I of course got mother's full attention,All I ever wanted to do was please her.If I could please her,As I tried to do often,She for awhile would be happy and she was so much fun to be with if she were happy.If I please her she would primp me,And on rare occasions she would put make-up on me,But never to much always mascara and eye liner,Lip stick, some times a base,and if I was really cute to her I'd get just a smidge of eye shadow but only a smidge,other wise you might get mistaken for a slut,She would hug me and tell me story's of her childhood,A lady she would say never reveals to much skin,She's allowed to flirt,But only in a proper way.
One day I guess I was 10 maybe 11 yrs old right out of the blue,She turned to me and said A proper lady is always A lady till the bedroom door is closed,For the night,Then she can be anything she wants to be...
I loved her during those yrs and since that was the only way I,I got attention from her,I got to like it very much,Very early on around 4 or 5 yrs old.
She of course was a master at flirting when she wanted too,She could flirt in a fleeting moment,When she walked into a room of people,All the men would turn and stare at her,She would'nt miss a beat.And when she danced they all would ask her to dance, And of course father would get into several fights over her,Then afterwards she would be hanging all over father telling him how brave and such he was.Later when we were alone,She would say,Thats how a lady knows she's loved,When they fight over you,when she would tell me this stuff she always had a big smile on her face.
I was her little lisa during those yrs,It was about the only time I knew she loved me.
So as I said in my last post yesterday morning Lisa has always been with me,Part of me,Ingrained into my being.So as i go threw all the trials of today,I actualy draw a bit of strengthfrom those early yrs,Some times thinking of those days gets me threw these days.I have almost never spoken of those days ever,But have been thinking alot about those times.
Mother's been gone for some time now,But whats really strange is as lisa,Gets herself in a bind not knowing what to do,I think of all the things she told me,and some how,It helps me get threw the day,or wk,Depending on what I'm facing.Maybe she knew some thing about me I did'nt,Maybe she was just passing on her way,To me,Often lately,I wonder did she know what might happen to me later in life,and was this her way of giving me strength,For possiable days to come.
Who knows,But I do think it has helped in a strange and different way.This is one of the parts of my life thats been so secret to me,I think for lisa,To move on with her life,This must be told. I have been here on BLO for some time now and I find myself relaxing a bit,And am more comfertable with myself,On this site,I have learned so much from all of you,I may not put posts up for awhile but,I read yours and yours and learn to accept who and what I am.
I have to say,I must feel good about being on this site,I went and put a pic on my name,It's a couple of months old,So for me it's really recent.So I hope lisa does'nt scare any of you to bad,It's not my best one but it's not my worst one either. It's A normal picture for me,This is how I look almost everyday.Usualy tho I wear alot more color,Teal or green or yellow,I love red tho,But those dresses are'nt for going shopping in.So with that said for now I think it's time to say good nite to all again and I have another post I think for tomorrow,But it may be one of my nitemares being put down in type as I have one out of several bad and horriable things that have taken place in my life that I really need to get rid of...Lisa...

[steve/lisa]

1st off I would like to say have I offended anyone,By talking of these things,This part of my secret life I have lead,Because no one hear has answered me or committed on anything,The only time I seem to get a commit is when I whin about what I am,I have not had to much trouble from DR's cause they know and see what I am,some times I get one that changes his mind about me and gets offended that I have both systems in me and wants to yank it all out for me,So as they say I won't get confused about which one I am.But almost always they treat me with great respect and dignaty.
O.K. For the next bitch I have is not one of you have committed on my picture of myself should I just take it off of here or what?????????

Anyway on to my secrets that seem to haunt me or are getting welled up in me.

As I have said, mother was a strange One,She never made friends in the naberhood as other parents did ,I mean not even on a just to say hi thing.I had my falling out with her about 12 to 13 yrs old,I was maturing as a male then and this upset her,I missed the times that her and lisa spent together most of all,she seemed to just ignore me after that even when we were alone and I'd go to her as lisa,She would say things like go away or my lisa died,Well that broke my heart so bad so I guess I went to father and became what he wanted of me and thought and did what he wanted me to do as steve,It was a very differcult time for me but as time went on,I adjusted to myself and his ways.
Oh forget this i'm going now just can't think straight now,I was trying to write of the things that have been bothering me lately,I guess my first thoughts were right you all are'nt even ready for what i have been threw the horriable things i've endured in my life as a result of being a tr.herm. is a true nitemare at best,The countless times of having plastic surgery to put me back together after some idiot beat me,shot me or raped me,so i'll go now and collect my thoughts and maybe try to do this again or not...........Lisa...

[JOS]

I'm sorry I didn't comment on your post, I guess it's just that your childhood seems quite far from my own upbringing. I whine about the fact that my parents weren't honest with me but I know that they were trying to protect me... in their own way. From your description it sounds like your parents really messed with your head and I'm just fearful of making some crappy comment which is patronising or flippent.

I do like your photo because you're smiling and look like a warm person. You seem to take care of your appearence too... I'm a bit scruffy and only really make an effort for weddings and funerals, oh and job interviews. I'm afraid your mother would have had an extremely low opinion of me but from how you descibe her I'm not sure I mind that too much.

My only other feeling, and forgive me if you don't agree, is that I strive to become your own person in life. I'm trying to make up my own mind about issues rather allowing my past to control the happy future I wish to attain. Apple mentioned in another posting about trying to maintain your own self worth, not based on what others think of you.... afterall you are the only person you HAVE to live with and I personally want to like 'REAL ME', and hopefully others too if they're going to and not some kind of front that I put there so they won't suspect how wierd I really am... or how boring I really am.... actually I'm having second thoughts now, rejection is hard to cope with.... No.... oh I don't know anymore!

Well, in the words of the Doors,

'People are strange, when you're a stranger'

Don't be a stranger, let people know you... I assumed your post was partly a cathartic outpouring to get thoughts out of your head so you didn't have to deal with them. I didn't want to be a rock in your river but please don't feel that no-one cares and that no-one is listening.... I am/do. I want to know you.

You sound like a strong person who has had to cope with a lot.
But please, try to keep perspective. Memory is an unreliable source, you forget, change the context, and merge different aspects until you've come to a completely false conclusion. especially during stressful times when you're body is just trying to make survival decisions.

I too often dwell on the past, but today I'm trying to put it behind me and move on.... please feel free to remind me of that when I forget.


JOS

[apple]

Originally Posted by steve/lisa

1st off I would like to say have I offended anyone,By talking of these things,This part of my secret life I have lead,Because no one hear has answered me or committed on anything,The only time I seem to get a commit is when I whin about what I am,I have not had to much trouble from DR's cause they know and see what I am,some times I get one that changes his mind about me and gets offended that I have both systems in me and wants to yank it all out for me,So as they say I won't get confused about which one I am.But almost always they treat me with great respect and dignaty.
O.K. For the next bitch I have is not one of you have committed on my picture of myself should I just take it off of here or what?????????

Princes...SS was very supportive to you, just the other day, and you just ignored her exceedingly kind response to you. Here is a link to that thread.

Personally, I find your posts very hard to read, for their lack of spacing and intelligible punctuation. Forthemostparttheyarejustone longtorturousrun-onsentencewordthings. You don't seem to care, that others may actually try to read your posts, and neither can you be bothered to use a spell checker. For this reason I can not get past the first two lines or so.

You also seem to be fixated upon your status as a victim, and I know there is nothing I can say or do, to help anyone stuck on the pity pot. Such is a choice that time alone, may or may not, ever be able to help.

Those who lack self esteem, usually lack it because they either do not, or even refuse to, realize that self esteem is what one thinks of themselves, and it is not, even indeed never can be, what others think of us.

Those who fixate upon their victimization and the injustices done to them in the past, have made a choice to ignore for the most part, whatever good is taking place around them and is being done to them or for them. Such a fixation, coupled with low self esteem manifested by continual requests for personal validation, cannot be helped with false kindness, which really just feeds such a pattern of self destructive behavior.

Really it is a behavior. It is what you choose to do. If you really wish to give and receive emotional support, here on this support group, then first you must come to understand what emotional support really is.

Emotional support is not a continual stream of, "there there", "yes you're fine with me", "you are looking good", "I am so sorry that happened to you" and "you poor poor dear", being lobbed your way in vain, to fill a void, which only you can fill yourself. There will be no end to such foolishness. You will suck the life out of anyone, who begins to engage you, on your present self centered terms.

You must first begin to accept yourself. You must learn to love yourself, for who you are not what you are. As long as you stay fixated upon past injustices, clinging to your victim status in lieu of self esteem, even expressing your anger when others refuse to pity you, or stupidly in vain try to make you like yourself, then you will remain miserable.

That is your choice however, and I have no pity for you.

I will instead be a true friend, by advising you, to get over yourself.

I want to see the real you, and not this whiny self indulgent child victim aspect you keep waving about. I KNOW the real you is extraordinary, no matter how seemingly merely an "ordinary" member of some supposedly "undesirable" subclass, you may think yourself to be, because some assholes told you that is 'what' you are.

You are not a what.

You are a WHO.

FUCK THE WHAT

I hope you get that, because that is, the very key to your prison cell.

Enough already. Show us WHO YOU ARE so we can fall in love with YOU.

By the way. I KNOW you have better pictures of yourself than that crappy old one you have up. I want to see the real YOU, both ways get my drift, and I want to see your FUCKING sense of humor, because I happen to know you have a really great sense of humor.

Now get off the pity pot and stop fucking around.



Would the mighty panduwinata please, encourage this being, to drop her/his fear and start living for a change? You are such a STERLING example of a courageous human being.

[steve/lisa]

you seem to be very -neg- to most on here and some of us(me) may or may not have your education level "show off".

As for my pic thanks but what you see is what you get.I am that way and dress that way all the time!! Why what turns you on a nurse outfit with my ass hanging out,so what are you other than just apple,no history a n/a rating.

You come here and give critercism (and yes my spelling sucks)and not EVERYONE knows how to use a computer either! Oh yah how do you use spell check.You remind me of all the normals that do nothing but criticise our kind with big words and such,and then give some apolagy for our short commings,

and yes I do have issue's about my past and some if not all here have had them too.At some point in there life,not everyone writes to your approval standard which i personaly find offencesive,

So apple I will continue to write anyway i wish to here as this is a site for me and it may or may not be one for you.

So please with my blessing don't waste your talent on responding to me anymore.

and yes prince said very nice things to me and i do apprecate what was said.But besides for the new cancer i have 3ed time is a charm,a devorce from the whore of the west,and private issues of my past i will keep to myself now.THANKS FOR THE NEG- NORMALS RESPONSE.

Your knife is a sharp one apple,but please don't waste your time on me.
signed..lisa...

[apple]

That's more like it.

Lots of anger, but that is a damn sight better than self pitying and neediness. You made a great big step. Good work!

Most people, are rather poor spellers, myself included. That is why spell checkers exist. Just show enough respect, for those who read here, by using one.

Stay real.

Begin to live in the here and now.

[Kailana]

just kidding. I never use spell checker. I only see it as annoying. I also am a terrible speller and my gramatics is extremely pathetic. Still, I much prefer just typing what and how i feel at the time. I think its actually better to let people know, and see that i am not so good when it comes to typing, or writing. This way people can see that its me. This is how i am, i suppose i even talk this way sometimes. I might drop off complete words and phrases, which i believe adds a little confusion to any conversation i may be having. We are not all perfection freaks. <---THATS A JOKE.

For Lisa, I really appreciate your retelling of your child. It does help me understand you better, i think. I know my childhood wasnt as bad as many others, it also wasnt so good either. If you need to express those child issues, then do so. Sharing at least, might help others also deal/cope with there own child issues with family.

For Apple. Thank you as well. While I see some of your words/advice as a little harsher then is needed, I also comprehend what your meaning. For me at least, i bounce between different stages of selfpity, acceptance, and rightoutness. I just wanted to say, that i thank you again, many times over, as some of my issues, are unresolved. I am still working on a great many of the low selfesteem issues. I really think i am doing a great deal better then i have been in the past. I still have a long way to go before i can really say im ok with myself. Please keep posting, your posts are important to me. I am sure there also helpfull to many others.

Best wishes

[apple]

Kailana

Really I think you write very clearly, and I enjoy some of your posts. I am afraid I have no idea how well you can spell. I would have to check your posts with a spell checker to find out.

Your posts are clear and easy to read. It is not lik sum posts here I hve tryeed to reed,that r in somesrt of coodIt s all so nota mayter of educaystion,or like Iam upidity thnkinng Im betr than otherpeple. I have no formal eduction to show off with. I am not exceptionally intelligent. I am not beautiful or even mildly glamorous. I am neither rich or famous. I am just me.

[Kailana]

Thank you Apple. I guess my typing, writing isn't as bad as i thought.
thanks for the compliments. And wanted to say im no princess either. Maybe more Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Still, overall, im a pretty nice person most of the time.

thanks again