YOU MIGHT WANT TO PRINT THIS OUT, IT'S QUITE LONG, BUT IT’D MEAN THE WORLD IF YOU READ IT AND COMMENTED. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Wow....i had my physical with my doctor, and it took a while, but he found something that no one was expecting--a vagina. a ultrasound is next, and i have an appointment on Thursday.

For half an hour, however, he was puzzled by its shape and size--he said my penis didn't appear to have a shaft, and for some reason it only has a head, a urethral opening and a glans, and that for the life of him, he said he doesn't know why it hides, and why it only comes out when erect. he couldn't understand why it was buried/hidden/concealed/trapped/ whatever, because a) i never had circumcision, b) i never had pubic fat, and c) my testicles were fully descended. it didn't make sense to him, why my penis tucked itself inside for its normal position.

he then asked about urinating, and if i could urinate in a continual stream, or if it sprays, dribbles, etc--it sprays mostly i told him, unless i can control the head with my two fingers, but that avoiding peeing on myself is difficult enough--i just never really thought about it, so i told him it would be easier to just show him how i need to pull it out of its 'home' to pee while flaccid, hold it between my fingers and aim it to the best of my ability.

next, he asked about sexual function, and i told him my experiences--he wanted to see the angle it made, and where the base was since there didn't appear to be a shaft--he told me without a shaft, it shouldn't be possible to get erect, for there would be no foundation. he found the base of nerves, but it didn't satisfy him enough to consider it a shaft, so he asked about ejaculation, and the force of it--whether it squirts out once or twice like a pump, or if it dribbles out continually. i told him it slowly dribbles out fluid when aroused, often before it gets erect, and often after it turns flaccid again. i told him i've never been able to stay erect more than a minute maximum before ejaculating, but that it often happens before i'm completely erect, and keeps happening long after becoming flaccid. before he left the room, he asked one more question--whether the fluid is clear or if its milky white, and i told him its not clear-clear, but its definitely not white or milky.

he was gone ten minutes because i looked at the clock, but it seemed like an hour--all the above had taken about half an hour, but seemed like only minutes, but waiting was horrible, as he had yet to mention anything i recognized from the research i did. now, he's a great doctor and we have a good doctor-patient relationship, but i could tell he was incredibly bothered, and i didn't see him finding a diagnosis when he returned. but he returned and asked me if another doctor, just one, could look at me, because she had been in every hospital around san diego, seen lots of newborns, and had something like 35 years of experience. so, i asked him if i could just meet her for a second, see her attitude, and she was a nice grandmother-teacher-nun kinda woman like i had in catholic grade school, and i felt comfortable with her there, so i said yes. thank god.

my doctor had told her what i had told him, so she knew my story. she calmed me down, and said she's seen plenty of naked men, and most were ugly and old, not like me. that made me laugh, so i sat back on the table and spread my legs again, and waited for her to say, "i don't know what to think". but instead when she looked down there, she said, in the most matter of fact voice, and i'll remember it forever, "that's vaginal tissue", referring to the inside of where my penis hides. and my doctor says, astounded, "how do you know that so quickly?" and she smiles, this time showing him from her angle, "see that? That’s the remains of the hymen. it looks like his vagina was formed first, and his penis came second, followed by the urethral opening which exits through the glans. but it looks like your urethra is small and female looking in nature, and that is why you cannot pee in a stream, or ejaculate forcefully".

At this point I was trying to comprehend this all, and the research I did on micropenis, trying to put two and two together, but I couldn’t. upon further inspection, she said that the vaginal walls are fused to the foreskin at the base of the penis where they both meet an end, but that it did make a strong enough foundation for nerves to connect to. Most likely, she said, pressure builds up behind my penis, around the vagina, and that my penis never really becomes erect, but "engorged", and that its behavior (the constant hiding) is more like that of a clitoris, and this is why i have constant emission of fluid, why i can't stay erect.

She then asked me if, when aroused, does it self-lubricate, and do the walls of my vagina (still trying to grasp the MY part) stay lubricated when it goes flaccid, and if I ever felt inside when erect. I told her there is no room in there to explore when erect, but that yes and yes to her other questions, but I never thought about it I told her, the wetness part. Her next question was whether or not I have to clean the inside on a regular basis, and I told her no. she asked if I have to pull back any foreskin when I urinate, and I told her no, the foreskin doesn’t cover the top of my penis, but simply surrounds the bottom like a ring. She thought so, and said that it’s because the foreskin probably isn’t foreskin, since it is attached to the shaft not the glans, and that the ‘foreskin’ I have is probably hypoplastic, and looks more like clitoral hood at the top. these questions started making sense in context and I could now see where she was going with this. She said if it wasn’t for the folds of foreskin at the base of my penis, and the fact that they fused with the vaginal walls, then my urethra would have been hypospadiac instead, and exit below my penis at the normal spot for a vagina, but that the skin was too dense there and went above into the relatively soft skin of my glans.

She then told me that the next thing might disturb me, but that my penis truly acts like a clitoris, except for the urethra, and that I am extremely lucky it opened where it did, and that if it hadn’t, I would have been made a girl, as they would have no choice but to do surgery on my urinary tract, most likely removing my testicles as a result, for they would not see the penis aspect of it, but instead as an extremely large clitoris. she said the appearance of it is somewhere in between the two, and that I should look at it as a combination of the two, instead of saying it is neither nor. She said tests would have to be done on my semen, but that she foresees it as being sterile, as there is no color to my fluid. She said the fact that it has never grown since birth means that it never virilized like my testicles did, due to some testosterone blockages in my body, which saw only my testicles to be the “male” part and the only part to send testosterone towards, whereas my vagina became atrophic she said, making growth impossible, but creating the wetness and nerve endings that followed as a result of my body thinking it had a vagina and clitoris.

Since I told her I had a clear XY karotype, she said that there should be nothing internally that’s female, and this is why estrogen never wreaked havoc on my body and why my testicles fully descended. She wants an ultrasound on Thursday and she also wants to test my sperm count, if any. She also wants to try to locate my prostate and male ducts, saying they also could be hypoplastic and not fully formed, confusing my body and creating an empty vagina with a penis that resembles a clitoris. she also wants to locate the bundle of nerves at my base, and see if they look more clitoral, thus meaning full shaft agnesis, or if I indeed have a hypoplastic shaft internally that never virilized. She warned me it would probably be the first possibility since she felt nothing that would indicate I had anything but a glans, because the urethra looks and functions entirely female in nature. She said as a result, my fluid is similar to what females secrete when aroused, and that the mucus membranes on the walls, combined with the remains of a hymen make her believe that it will come back negative.

She said I should consider myself extremely lucky, for truly my urethra should not be where it is, and that had it not, it would have been very easy to make me a female, as I had the perfect makings for the change, and the doctors wouldn’t have thought twice about cutting off my testicles. I must take some time and rethink all of this, for I don’t think I can comprehend it all without writing it down. That’s why these forums are so great, because writing and knowing people will read it, lets me know I have company with people who care and understand where I am coming from. It means the world to know I have others that feel the same why I do. Thank you all. I’ll be back there on Thursday with some more answers, ones I may not like, and leave with more questions. She said she will do so research on what may cause this, as she has some ideas, but nothing concrete will come until after Thursday anyways. Your support is overwhelming, and I appreciate it all. Comments, suggestions, ideas, thoughts, questions, answers, it is all welcome, and I could use it. Peace to you all.

Hi!
What a brave thing to go and want to find out the truth and smart to write and post it here. Your story and the new information is touching. And of course some of it reminds me of my own stuff. Some time ago I just wished all this would go away, someone could make it disappear... but really it wouldn't explain the past and present as the truth tends to do.
I wish you courage to face it!

Kaius

hmm...

Well...it sounds like you're ok so far and that's good.

The complexity of the body never ceases to amaze me. After reading your post I'm sitting here trying to imagine how this all came together while those parts of you were forming. It is all so complicated yet most people come out with either this or that.....yet there are those like yourself that fall somewhere in between and your body functions as though it never knew the difference! That is amazing. Being somehow different was something YOU learned only by comparing yourself to what is "normal".

I pray that all stays well with you and that you don't run into any health complications. Although I don't know you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Wow great post. They may have discovered your vagina but there's no enying the fact that you've got balls. That took a lot of courage. I know the feeling of having doctors scratch threir heads while doing exams. I haven't had a chromisome test yet mostly because I fear what it would tell me. I get light headed every time I start contemplating what it would mean to me if I found out they cut parts off of me to make me like I am today.

I am starting with a new doctor this month. I've resigned myself to letting that doctor have a look and do the tests. I'm going to be 45 years old next month. I think it's time I knew the truth. Good to hear I'm not alone in the search.
Menace

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...Because a mind is a terrible thing. *¿*

wait, that ain't right. Menace

When I first obtained my medical records several years ago, I ended up having to put them away once I hit the part about surgeries done to me as a child. I knew what had occurred but reading those words written 40 years ago was just a bit too much for me.

I applaud your courage to find out the truth.

Betsy

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Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is. --Margaret Mitchell

See now that's what I figure I'll be dealing with. I wish my mom could be more help but she's so crazy and hasd told so many lies aboiut it all, for so many years, that I doubt she knows the truth anymore.

All of the informnation I have has come from doctors and mostly from surgeons who have had to clean up the mess my hormonal imbalance has caused my body.

I do have flashes of memories that leave me woundering. Like, I remember being in a hospital crib that was little more than a metal cage with a wall to wall bed. I saw one when I was in my early 30s that caused a sever flashback and caused me to be found crouching in a corner unable to explain why I was crying and terified.

I worry sometimes that I am prying at padora's box top. I wonder if I should let these demons out. It's just that not knowing is making me nuts.

__________________
...Because a mind is a terrible thing. *¿*

wait, that ain't right. Menace

thank you both for your words of encouragement. i also fear what my mother may know and why she hasn't told me everything, and the reasons for witholding what i had assumed to be natural right, to know my medical history. i think if the records were still available, they would clearly state that they had found vaginal tissue, but that due to the presence of testicles, gender reassignment doesn't seem viable. something like that, one sentence, would have helped alot, and yet my mother felt the need to hide that seemingly simple statement. thank you all, my hearts go out to each of you.

Thank you all again for listening to my story, it helps to know others care enough to spend the time to read and respond.

I went to the doctor's again, and she started by performing an ultrasound around my pelvis, to check for anything internal that they had missed while doing my physical. they wanted specifically to look for ovaries, a uterus, fallopian tubes, etc., and to see where my prostate is located and the connections it has to the other male parts. also, they wanted to see where the nerves had bundled, and whether or not my penis has a shaft or not.

So, the result is that i have nothing internally that is 'female', and that the XY karotype my mother had told me about looks valid. but, unfortunately, neither do i have a shaft--the bundle of nerves seem to congregate around some porous flesh they said (i wasn't sure what i was looking at), and that it might be the remnants of the 'corpus cavernosa' she said, but never developed into a shaft--they think this is what balloons inside me in order for me to get an erection. the next discovery found my prostate to also be hypoplastic, and they found a mess of ducts that dead end into the back of my vagina, and none of them seem to work, nor do they seem to connect to my urethra. i gave them a semen sample, but i got the feeling that i should expect the worse.

what is a penis? what is a clitoris? what's the EXACT difference? i can't find it in my research, where one deviates from the other somewhere in the womb, and i don't think it really matters, because i have now come to understand that i don't have one or the other, but both. on one hand, a penis should have a shaft, but i don't; on the other hand, a clitoris shouldn't have a urethra running through it, but i do. on one hand, the corpus cavernosa shows that a shaft COULD have been possible, making a penis, but on the other, my urethra could have passed below my glans, thus turning it into a clitoris. i have testicles to go with my 'penis', but i have a vagina to go with my 'clitoris'.

i don't exactly like the term 'micropenis', nor do i like the term 'clitoromegaly', for those are riduculously unspecific and overused. i will have to think of a term, in case i need to refer to it again, but also to let myself know i should never refer to it as one or the other, for that is ignorance. i am male, but i can't ignore my female parts, nor should i cover any mention of them. the reason i am finding answers is not to put them under the rug again, but to show myself i'm not afraid to look under that very same rug.

the tests will come back next week or the week after. my doctors told me that they think they might have an idea of what caused my intersexulaity. 5-alpha-reductase-deficiency. a couple of you had mentioned that as a possibility, and it seems like you might have been correct. thank you for your foresight. i am researching the topic right now, and i think we might be onto something. what i'm reading is eerilily familiar. thank you for your concern, it means so much.

I wanted to get a second opinion about my intersex condition, so i enlisted the help of one of my closest friends (a girl), whose mother is a gynecologist. I didn't tell my friend what the reason was, but just that i needed some info on a "problem my cousin's having"....

i asked her mother, Tawny, who i've known for quite a while, if she knew anything about intersex, and the complicated issues of genital development. She said yes, but that she needed more specifics to answer my questions. I told her i am intersex, and i'd like it if she would see my privately, and make a house call, without dealing with the office at all. She agreed.

She wanted to know the biggest question i had, so that she could look for something in particular. I told her that i wanted to know whether or not i had a penis or a clitoris, and what was the difference between the two, and if mine functioned more like a penis or a clitoris-- it had to look like one or the other, whether that be 51% to 49%. i wanted to know if it actually gets erect like a penis, or just engorged like a clitoris, and what the deal was with the lubrication factor.

i wanted the honest truth i told her, and she said, ok....CLITORIS. it lubricates itself, it doesnt technically get erect per se, and it ejaculates non seminal fluid. she said that the reason it has a urinary opening has nothing to do with a penis, but more to do with accessibility. it had to open somewhere, and it just so happened to open in the clitoris, making it happen to look like a penis. my glans is not a head, but a combination of a clitoral hood and loose vaginal skin, she says, and the foreskin doesn't quite resemble penile skin, but look more so like the remnants of inner labia.

i don't quite know how to comprehend this, and that i might not have a micropenis afterall. i am contemplating my next step in the search for an answer to whether or not i have semen/sperm, and what exactly is going on with my internal ducts. She said that she would be surprised if the tests came back positive for semen or sperm, and that most likely i am simply excreting lubricating fluid from my urethra, much like a normal vagina would.

thank you again for your concern, and follow up if you have any ideas whatsoever.