getting hurt again?? I am so tired of it?

[steve/lisa]

again i have trusted a human being,I just don't understand why they befriend you then run with the information to where? I can only expect a backlash again from trusting someone again.I am not again going to trust anyone ever again this time the hurt is unbearable,All I want to do now is die,It would not hurt anymore ever then,And I would just go home to my father and be happy forever more,I just can't seem to understand why they(new friends) Seem to be interrested in me and when they think they know enough their gone without so much as a good bye.
Well maybe it's time for me to say good bye to all,Maybe the priest was right cause today I shurely think he must have ment this is why ,Maybe he ment it to really protect me from what was to come,Maybe he knew what I was going to encounter in my then future(just can't seem to stop crying about this) I feel so violated so betrayed again,How many times must I just pass it off not this time i think,I can't, I have never been so betryed as this time, I feel so used,Like a dirty sock or some thing.If it was their intent to break me it worked, For now I am seriously thinking of giving up everything,I can hardly see well enough to walk with all the tears.Why are people so so so mean to one another when all I wanted and needed was just a friend,Someone to talk to to express myself,To feel like I mattered,I have been asked why I (or we as a group)are so so secret as not letting anyone in well this is why,Cause all I get is the hurt,the horrable gut PAIN,The feeling of being used Just to forfill their ceriosity to really find OUT WHAT A FREAK REALLY IS,I am so sorry for them they must not have a soul,Debbie thank you for your e-mail give him time to trust you,You really have no idea how hard it is to trust someone that is not like me,To trust an outsider is the scarest thing you can imangine,It does take along time,And as I am always waiting for the other hammer to fall or for them to just leave as they ALWAYS do to me anyway?
Debbie be as patient as god,Or the best thing to do is just act like you would with a normal person does to another friend and if you need to listen then do so if you need to laugh then do it with him,In other words just be yourself I'm sure that would work for you.assure him everyone is'nt looking at him and saying what a freak you are cause they could'nt possable know what he is inside.
My time here is almost over,I just can't bear the pain anymore to trust and I did so deeply was my fault for that,I realize I was better off not ever telling anyone about this,God really hates me or something,Howw much can one take well I just found out,this is it.
The betral,the laughing,the snickering,telling just everyone about the freak,The games to gain my trust then slam me well it worked this time for soon i won't feel nothing anymore.I give up just when I thought i had a chance at being happy with myself someone comes along and judges me and wants to change my idea of happyness just as soon as me and my ex to be are final in just a couple of wks I will be threw with this place of torture this cruel place of h_ll,Just once I'd like a friend that really cares IF I'm really happy my type of happyness NOT their version of it but MINE.Their life must be so screwed up they can only be happy if they screw some ones elses life up just for the sake of it.I knew better,I knew better I knew better than to TRUST an OUTSIDER,I just new better,But was trying to change myself to try to learn to trust again,to maybe trust enough to maybe fall in love some day again,for in love you must have trust and that was what i was trying to do to teach myself it's O.K. to trust well It's not ok to trust cause people always twist it around to their standards not mine.I wish to be happy my way I have this right but outsiders always want you to change for them,Why can't they just be happy for what I want not what they want???????Thank you all for being so kind to me,I should of tried to have a relationship with one of my own kind.....? just don't know any of them in person.All I wanted was for ME to be happy MY own way.so I'm dribbling on and on again so with that note see ya later,everyone have a good life please just remember it's your choice how you want to live not outsiders Just you and you alone.Love all Lisa.

[Kailana]

Lisa, it is hard learning to trust people. I know, many of us know how hard it can be. Your not alone. I really hope your looking still i wish i had read this sooner. I have tried calling, but only got the answering machine. Please hang in there, you have people here who know what its like. You have friends here who are understanding and accepting. Your not alone, never alone. I'll try calling again and again.

Don't give up, your life can be so much better then it is, how you are feeling, right now. Misunderstand from those around you are tearing you apart, but many of us here do understand. You have friends you do trust, try not to let the new one, get to you. You have just a much right as anyone else to be happy as you.

From a friend, all my love

[peaceandparty]

i have also put my trust out to this other xxy

who i feel has been slowly working his way to trying to mess me about

cunning foxes

its terribly annoying because i am a truster in life and people
but i do have good sense of tasting sourness in the air

virtual air is hard to taste though
-if you get me!!!!

peace be with you

[FindingHope]

Lisa: As I become familiar with those on this site, and you responded to mine in trying to help me help a friend. . . . . i want you to know, that being someone who is not intersexed that can feel and care for you does exist because I am one of them. I will not pretend to know the trials you have been through, and how they have made you feel. I know that putting our hearts on our sleeves is hoping that you can trust someone and sometimes our intuition is right on, and sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is just that the other person needs space as well and will come around. I don't know your situation being new here, just please know that I care and want to encourage you to just let it go and find peace within yourself first. Be confident in who and what you are. I listened to a song today that spoke of letting it shine . . . . 'Shine, let them wonder what you've got'. You can shine Lisa and others will be attracted to you as a friend and somewhere there is someone who will be more for you. In a marriage, I always thought it was about making sure you please and take care of the other person, but then through counseling, I learned that you have to take care of yourself, believe in your self, be confident and heal within yourself, before you will ever be effective in making and allowing your relationship to be a healthy one. Please let me know if I can help you in any way, even if it is to just be a listening ear. Not sure if this will help, but I hope you know that I care about your wellfare and wanting you to find strenghth so that you too will be able to share your strenghth and encouragment to others. We (you) have to leave others hope that this condition, or whatever you call it, is something that you don't have to be ashamed of, because that is what society wants you to believe. Don't allow that attitude to beat you -- you are better than them. We are all the same when it comes to what matters, in closing our eyes, we have no color, race, handicapps, differences, intersex conditions, -- we all have feelings, we all have things that hurt us, that make us cry, that make us laugh and sing and jump for joy. That is what should matter in the human race. We know that this is not the case from the beginning. But with proper education and campaigns, I believe that we can make a difference, one step, one day at a time so that generations to come will not go through what you and others are and have. But we have to believe in it first and stand tall. So Lisa, let it shine!!

[steve/lisa]

Thank you so much for your support in my matters,thanks,findinghope,peaceandparty,and to you kailana for the phone call.I have calmed down a little now and your all right in this matter,I realize that now some,But I will not be so trusting to outsiders as much for awhile or for ever,But forever is a long time and I will probly do this again sometime in the future again as I have done befor for I always seem to think theirs one out their for me that will only be mine as i will always be theirs,To smile,to laugh,to be happy have always been my goal(have'nt reached it, it seems yet)But one never knows whats around the corner,It seems the good lord wants me here for some unforseen event,Cause yrs ago I got in this state of mind and put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger and it did not fire,Imean the primer indented but the powder did not fire,I was totally surprised to this cause I thought I would die as I put the pistol down and looked at the bullet(still have that bullet today)I wondered why,Why did i not die,I should have but did not as you can see,so last nite I took this bullet out of it's box and looked at it again(first time in yrs) I slowly remembered what and why I did this befor it was for the same reason I thought of doing this again,It's a piece of my past I have kept just to remind me of the reason if I should ever think this low again,Some one or some thing wanted me to stay here,So as I looked at it I again wondered why I'm still here,But as befor you can never get an answer to that question.So please don't worry about me as I am not worth the energy it takes to worry about me, I'm a freak and i know this and except this it's the only way I can cope at times about things I can't change.I can only move forward as going back can't be done,and I really don't think I would wish to go back so I really hope that I have a happy ending to this life of mine when that time does arrive,But between then and now I only pray that it's filled with happyness and good things otherwise If I don't try to beleave this I may never know whats coming to me,anyway I must go now I'll post tomorrow a story of a thing that happened to me yrs ago,(a good thing I think)Anyway thank you all for your support in my matters this day YOU ALL really helped me out signed Lisa.

[FindingHope]

Lisa: Hang in there. It is great to hear from you and yes YOU ARE WORTH WORRYING ABOUT!!! I will be praying for you -- God is on your side, always. May not seem like it at times, but hey! the bullet didn't go off, and nothing has the power to stop that, except for him. You DO have a great purpose and as you start to think clearer, I know that you will find what it is. I know that being hurt is very painful and it seems that it will never feel better. Time -- let time heal and know that we are there for you to talk and be a sounding board for you to work things through. Sending you a big hug!!

[steve/lisa]

thank you findinghope,The fact I'm still here is a derect result of the bullet not firing yrs ago,Because it did not and should have is the reason why I'm here now,I stopped wondering why or who did that for me a long time ago but I do keep it to remember the why of it all,Anyway whats really interresting to me is as a child my sight was a bit wierd to comperhend, I remember things like as father and me would come to a street light and he would stop at the red light he would explain the reasons why he or adults did certain things,As he explained red is to stop and green is to go,and yellow was to speed up or else,After awhile of this I said what,I was at that time probly 7 or 8 yrs old I as a child walked at 8 mos old had extraodinary balance and hand to eye use,but I guess I must of not wanted to speak because I did'nt do this till 3 yrs old and had a slight lisp,and could not read well because everything was upside down and all jumbo'd around but in the I.Q. tests were in the 165 range,so no one understood what was wrong,They all thought I was just lazy,Until a teacher saw me do something everytime when I tryed to read she saw me put my hand over one eye when I was reading,and it was the same eye everytime,(Of course it was.)Well she ask my parents to have my eye's tested thinking I saw double or something when I was tested they found out I was color blind in the one eye(red green)That is why I never understood about the street lights as this eye is my dominit eye. I could only read well in my other eye and it was a lazy eye,as things always seemed to move around the page,So my father found me a reading teacher and after many months of tuturing me in how to ajust to this condition I was off and running reading,also the teacher helped me with my speech so other's could understand me when i spoke,(i.e.lisp mostly went away)But sometimes when I get really excited talking today the lisp comes back and I still get embarrested,So i always try very hard not to get excited when i am speaking to anyone,Also my father was a outdoorsman we spent a lot of time camping,fishing and such,and he did not see well at night but I saved him of this embarrestment by walking out front of him as I have excelent night vision even today,I see almost as well at night as i do in the day and the red,green is almost gone from view at night in the dark of things,As a child and an young adult and even now i often take long walks at night to releave my brain of the confussion of that problem.I was told by another that the darkness is mostly different shades of red or dark greens and grays,So I guess thats why I saw and see differently at night than in daylite hours,Antway when I go camping with my friend (he can't see at nite)He does what father used to do walks behind me and follows real close and i have always had to say things like watch out for a rock or branch or something to help out the ones behind me so they won't get hurt or trip on something in the path.Some kids always have to make fun of others at times early in life it was either the way I talked or saw colors at first,So father said I had to learn to fight and he taught me well and instructed me to beat up those that made fun of me,He said that'll keep them from doing that,My older brother was the worst of them all he made so much fun of me,And beat me up all the time until I was 14 yrs old and I was no longer afraid of him and whooped his butt good for all those yrs of torture to me,And as things were I was not afraid anymore of anyone whooping me as my nightmares seemed to fade off into the night,See I was father's faverite one and my brother's were mother's favorite ones,So my brother's always seemed to win any dispute's we had and mother always beleaved them over me but everyone else knew better aunts and uncle's always invited me in for treats and they had to play outside.My aunt she had turner's syndrome and could not have children so she kinda adopted me as her child always till the day she died (was their when she expired)She always called me sweety or honey or to my embarrasment my little cutie or worse she would say you should of been a girl,And sometimes mostly as an adult she would say don't be hard on your father he wanted a boy,but you sure would have made a pretty girl tho.And as I was acostume to I just let it pass,But often wondered what the heck they ment when they said these things about me or to me?But over the yrs I have gotten quit accustom to the color changes and such,I remember the trick cards one eye could see the symbol real easy the other eye I could not see any symbol at all, at first befor the testing they must have thought I was gray color blind I remember the shock of my father to find out it was red,green instead,My grand father was red green in both eye's and did not drive much at all(mother's father) It's funny the things one remembers as life goes on like this small part of me.
Anyway I just felt I would share this with all of you,As I calm done about things I have no control over I often think of things like this,I don't know why but I do,It seems to have a calming effect on me I guess.Well I must be going now so good health to all and to all a good night.Lisa

[steve/lisa]

thank you findinghope,The fact I'm still here is a derect result of the bullet not firing yrs ago,Because it did not and should have is the reason why I'm here now,I stopped wondering why or who did that for me a long time ago but I do keep it to remember the why of it all,Anyway whats really interresting to me is as a child my sight was a bit wierd to comperhend, I remember things like as father and me would come to a street light and he would stop at the red light he would explain the reasons why he or adults did certain things,As he explained red is to stop and green is to go,and yellow was to speed up or else,After awhile of this I said what,I was at that time probly 7 or 8 yrs old I as a child walked at 8 mos old had extraodinary balance and hand to eye use,but I guess I must of not wanted to speak because I did'nt do this till 3 yrs old and had a slight lisp,and could not read well because everything was upside down and all jumbo'd around but in the I.Q. tests were in the 165 range,so no one understood what was wrong,They all thought I was just lazy,Until a teacher saw me do something everytime when I tryed to read she saw me put my hand over one eye when I was reading,and it was the same eye everytime,(Of course it was.)Well she ask my parents to have my eye's tested thinking I saw double or something when I was tested they found out I was color blind in the one eye(red green)That is why I never understood about the street lights as this eye is my dominit eye. I could only read well in my other eye and it was a lazy eye,as things always seemed to move around the page,So my father found me a reading teacher and after many months of tuturing me in how to ajust to this condition I was off and running reading,also the teacher helped me with my speech so other's could understand me when i spoke,(i.e.lisp mostly went away)But sometimes when I get really excited talking today the lisp comes back and I still get embarrested,So i always try very hard not to get excited when i am speaking to anyone,Also my father was a outdoorsman we spent a lot of time camping,fishing and such,and he did not see well at night but I saved him of this embarrestment by walking out front of him as I have excelent night vision even today,I see almost as well at night as i do in the day and the red,green is almost gone from view at night in the dark of things,As a child and an young adult and even now i often take long walks at night to releave my brain of the confussion of that problem.I was told by another that the darkness is mostly different shades of red or dark greens and grays,So I guess thats why I saw and see differently at night than in daylite hours,Antway when I go camping with my friend (he can't see at nite)He does what father used to do walks behind me and follows real close and i have always had to say things like watch out for a rock or branch or something to help out the ones behind me so they won't get hurt or trip on something in the path.Some kids always have to make fun of others at times early in life it was either the way I talked or saw colors at first,So father said I had to learn to fight and he taught me well and instructed me to beat up those that made fun of me,He said that'll keep them from doing that,My older brother was the worst of them all he made so much fun of me,And beat me up all the time until I was 14 yrs old and I was no longer afraid of him and whooped his butt good for all those yrs of torture to me,And as things were I was not afraid anymore of anyone whooping me as my nightmares seemed to fade off into the night,See I was father's faverite one and my brother's were mother's favorite ones,So my brother's always seemed to win any dispute's we had and mother always beleaved them over me but everyone else knew better aunts and uncle's always invited me in for treats and they had to play outside.My aunt she had turner's syndrome and could not have children so she kinda adopted me as her child always till the day she died (was their when she expired)She always called me sweety or honey or to my embarrasment my little cutie or worse she would say you should of been a girl,And sometimes mostly as an adult she would say don't be hard on your father he wanted a boy,but you sure would have made a pretty girl tho.And as I was acostume to I just let it pass,But often wondered what the heck they ment when they said these things about me or to me?But over the yrs I have gotten quit accustom to the color changes and such,I remember the trick cards one eye could see the symbol real easy the other eye I could not see any symbol at all, at first befor the testing they must have thought I was gray color blind I remember the shock of my father to find out it was red,green instead,My grand father was red green in both eye's and did not drive much at all(mother's father) It's funny the things one remembers as life goes on like this small part of me.
Anyway I just felt I would share this with all of you,As I calm done about things I have no control over I often think of things like this,I don't know why but I do,It seems to have a calming effect on me I guess.Well I must be going now so good health to all and to all a good night.Lisa

[peaceandparty]

i am with you 100%

many things you wrote-i had similar feelings and similar bullying recollections

i am also up in the air at the moment

and on youtube,people are starting to ignore me,and starting to leave bad comments
humans can be so cruel

but i am strong
i believe a little stronger in the head than many who talk here now here
but that comes with perseverence
and trust(in your lord-or my lord)in life

i dont believe there is a need for that violin avatar
all that we say here is just plain fact....not looking for sympathy

anyway...i am hormonally imbalanced the last 7 months and counting
my birthday on wednesday
and i would like to have my injection for then.........so that i can be balanced again and show all people,especially myself-that i am better than this....

but it is hard
and words mena nothing really
and i will just stop now because i couldnt be bothered
i am a little down today....but holding my head up!