Mom of a "true hermaphrodite"

[chuzzlewit63]

Hi all.
Thanks for letting me join. My daughter, Sara, is 2 1/2 and an is a true hermaphrodite. She was born with one testicle and one ovatestis, a penis, a vagina, and a uterus. We adopted her 1 year ago, three months after the Department of Social Services decided to have her "made into a girl." She is the light of our lives.

We've decided she will know about her beginnings. Thinking about telling her she may feel a little of both but wondering if that is too confusing for a child.

Would love input. Any support groups for kids? She is too young now, but that day will come.

Thanks
Pam Crawford

[steve/lisa]

chuzzlewit 63,Welcome to BLO,And congradulations on your daughter,She must be the luckest girl in the world! Interductions are in order,I am steve/lisa.......lisa,I am a tr.herm also of 46xx/46xy chimera(chimerism) Was never told of this till after I had seminoma cancer of the testes one at a time by 26 i had none thats when they told me I had a complete female reprodution system in me.I am really pleased to hear that you will not hide this from her,as I wish a million times a day that my parents had told me of this instead of hiding this from me all those yrs.I am quit adjusted to what I am inside and out now and am most at ease with being lisa,Growing up I had a hard time because of this conflicked thoughts and not know the why of them,But It sounds like you are a smart one as we always find out some time in our lives what we truely are inside,It sounds like your the right parents for a child with special conditions like her's and I am proud to beable to thank you for being so brave as to tell her of this,You should wait a few yrs tho,To tell her of this so she does'nt tell the wrong persons of this as children often do,That will save her the heart ache of people freaking out over this condition as they did and have done with me and others like me.Learn all you can about her medical condition so when the day arrives for the bomb to drop you will beable to tell her of this in a way only you will know how to speak of this to her,In a manner so she will accept this and show her the info you have kept for that day so she will accept it and move on with her life in a positive manner,That way she will hopefully beable to grasp the meaning of her self.Food for thought,In the south pacific islands they the people their call us MAHU the blessed one's,By that I mean to live as both, to them is being blessed by the creator.If you ever need to talk about this to me or others here just e-mail me from BLO site and I'll be happy to assist you in any way I can.I can only dream my parents would have been brave enough to tell me when I was mature enough to handle it.Anyway have a wonderful life and enjoy your darling child love and support her in all the things she does,and I'm sure she will love and be proud of you two mommy and daddy as children should and do.Lisa

[Sofie]

Hi Pam
and welcome to the BLO-Forum
She truely looks like a sweetheat and I believe she will be happy to have a mom like you.
I'm sure you'll find a way to tell her in a way she can understand the day she will ask. Until then may I suggest you keep the medical records for her, as they often can be difficult to retrieve.

thank you for coming here
Sofie

p.s. maybe it's not so good an idea to post pictures of your daughter on the web as you can't take it back, once it's out there.

[Sofie]

To get in contact with other parents or a supportgroup, you can try to contact ISNAs helpdesk or just follow the links on their website at http://www.isna.org/support

[Kailana]

First of all I want to say congratulations on adopting a beautiful little girl. Also congrats for finding your way to BLO. Now then, as too your daughter and when she is old enough to know, start early. As she gets older, when she asks what things mean, when she becomes curious about her body, or others, that is probably the best time to tell her. Try not to think of her as being too young, lets say at 4, or 5, or 6 or whenever, when she starts to become aware of her body, and the differences with others, boys and girls, that is when she should be told. Might 9 or 10, who kows, each of us, starts asking questions at different times.

And as Sophie says, Get all of her medical records now, and keep them for her. Our experiences have shown that a great many of us, Do not ever get access to see or retrieve them. If it helps any, i have tried with 4 different hospitals, all of which told me originally that they dont carry medical records that far back, but eventually after repeatedly trying, I was able to get some records. They were pretty pathetic overall, Always edited and very brief reports. Sometimes, gender refferences as she or her are crossed out and he and him written in above them. That is about the most i have been able to get so far. Others mention a laparoscopy or labs being sent for, but there are no results, the reports are all missing.

Many of us Believe open honesty is best for all of us. Being able to read what has been done, can help explain the scars, we carry. While also being a little devastating, not knowing, is far worse then knowing. Or better said, Questioning if surgery was done over and over, and not knowing if any has been done is more devastating then knowing what was done. As reading why the surgery was performed, coming to understand why the surgery was done provides a great deal of stability that not knowing only causes harm.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[chuzzlewit63]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I have hundreds of pages of medical records kept together in a file for Sara. They go into detail about the decision making surrounding her gender. It seems that originally the doctors thought she should be a boy. They refer to her phallus as "impressive." Her foster mother told me she had what looked like a completely normal penis. All the documentation says she could have been made into a boy or a girl.

They say she is XX, but I wonder if they just didn't sample enough places and if she is a chimera. Not too sure how all that works. What is odd is that she had an "identical" twin sister with normal genitalia. Her sister died at the age of 3 months. The babies were born at 27 weeks and it is amazing either of them made it.

I appreciate the recommendations about disclosure. She will, no doubt, feel different for a lot of reasons other than gender. She is half Mexican/half black being raised in a white Jewish family. What can we say...we saw her and we fell in love with her...We'll do everything to make her journey as grand as possible.

I am worried now about having posted her picture. Is there any way to remove it? I guess that was stupid.

Maybe I should write to folks personally rather than posting for all the world to see. I do have to respect her privacy.

Pam

[peaceandparty]

thats an excellent attitude you have there

i am sure most of the intersex people who have been on here for years are bouncing in their computer chairs now with excitement and happiness because of your fine attitude

you obviously have a big heart

and i for one am very happy that you are so open

in the future i hope to help eliminate certain stereotypes/judgements
such as looking at someone as being black white or green
such as seeing someone as male or female
such as treating someone badly because of their spiritual faith


all those things have got to go!

and i have to go too now....but i am listening and all ears
thx for writing what you write

[Sofie]

Originally Posted by chuzzlewit63

I am worried now about having posted her picture. Is there any way to remove it?

One of the moderators can do that for you.
It's save to post as long as you don't mention real names.

[Dianne]

I'll echo what P&P said! My parents could have saved me years of misery if they had simply told me what they knew or cut me some slack and let me just be myself (instead of trying to cram me into a role that didn't fit).

Wanna adopt me? (Just kidding!)