good news & bad news....

[steve/lisa]

Today is a day of wonder and thoughts for me,Talked to the east yesterday for what seemed like days,So soothing, A voice of an angel,My angel in time.
I have been looking into my well of life lately and wishing I was not like I am,Thinking of what was and wondering what might be.
The good news is my F organs appear fine all their tests have come back good,(waiting for one more to come back,) But their is a mass on top of my bladder and in front of my uterus that seems to concern the DR's alot and me too.My GYN DR is most concerned about it,Saw her on the 24th of sept and the 25th to,she's setting up more test to be done,Also their's a mass of something on the stomach flap and it will be removed on oct,3ed in the morning.
While I'm looking into my well of life,I remember all kinds of things I have forgotten,Things of times past,Good,Bad,and indifferent and wondering of things to come,What good will come of it,What evils R to come,I'm so different now than befor,I can't even compare to my past.In the pool of water in my well of life,It's so different now than befor.
I see my eye's dimming in the light,Becoming cloudy almost lifeless, like A far off thought of emptiness and lonelyness to come.
I fear this and embrace it all for it's only thoughts of uncertindy of things to come or not,My body is changing so fast,I can't seem to keep up with it.
Some time ago a friend said to me,I wish i were like U,I think of that as of late, Why in the world would anyone want to be like me,I don't even want to be like this lately,I don't beleave I can answer these questions as no one else seems to beable to either,The tugs & pulls of each side,From the ways I was raised to the way I'm becoming is mind boggling for me.To be Something instead of nothing seems only a dream to me now.
I think of this saying at nite in the dark looking at the stars often,Oh star bright star light I wish opon the first star I see tonight,I wish I may,I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight,But alas I fear my bag of magic is all but empty;Befor all I touched turned to gold,Now all I seem to pick up in my magic bag is dried leaves and dirt.
My friend from the east is so soothing and strong minded,She helps me more than she will ever know,Just by talking of nothing she gives me strength to go on with my own life,I hope she finds all the things that make her happy,For she really deserves all of them.If I had a wish left I would give her that wish,With all my blessings & hope.
The thoughts of ending things have crossed my mind of late,But not in a bad way,I think what if,I were never born,What would it be like here proberly no different other than I would have not lived is all.
To be whole is only a dream of mine,I am what I am,As others have said here no matter how many surgeries one has,I will always be me as I can't change my DNA in me,So I must find,find a middle ground to do my battle on,The battle of my life and being is at stake,For some days I feel the life force leaving me being drained off.
It's so overwhelming at times, Again(3ed)I face the dark one the one that yrs ago I beat,I fear he has returned to haunt me,To take more parts of me,To deprieve me of any happiness to come,But alas as befor I shall not give in.It is a hard thing to fight the cancer the endless days of wondering if theirs a tomorrow and how one will feel after that day,The emptiness and the void of nothingness is all so frightening to me,I have been their twice befor and this time I am wondering is it worth the fight,I have no one to fight for anymore,So I sit here writing a story,A small part of my life a brief moment in my time here,As tears roll off my eye's and the page becomes blurry I wonder WHY was I born like this,What am I to learn from this,And wishing I was not like this!
But wishes R only wishes and the reality is I must either move on or die,Their is no other choices for me do nothing and die or fight like heck and win,but win what?? What would the prize be this time.??
So I am in the lost place again the place of thought for me and wonder,wondering what to do this time and wondering if their will be a next time if i fight and win this one.Does it ever end for me or am I just here to suffer,I know all about suffering and hell but to exsperence bliss and hope would be nice just once in my life.I don't knoiw what will happen of this I am still in the process of finding out whats in me as far as bad things but being able to finnally drain my bad blood off is such a relief,But wearing a pad and changing it all the time is well trying at best,I have forgotten about it at times and have ruined two good pairs of pants.(Does anybody know how to get blood out of the crouch of a pair of pants nothing seems to remove it.)And I do feel so much better than befor, slipping into a coma was the final straw that broke my back,I had to do some thing or more bad things would happen to me and after that surgery is when all the other stuff started to show up it kinda funny I did what I thought was best for me and by doing this and making that problem go away the other problems surfaced and wam it's off and running again,But I do understand that it was'nt all just being able not to drain my periods off but a combination of all these things that was causeing my problems.
I had to fire the one negitive DR as he wanted to just yank everything out of me,I thought that was a really rude approuch to the problem,But I have thought about what if he's right!.If I did that would i not have any feelings left in me to worry about,I could then just go about my life with nothing being a nothing maybe thats my answer.
I am not making any sense now i think so I'll collect my thoughts and return later to finnish this out.See U all later..... Lisa..