Dear all: My name is Pat. I'm the sole support system for a dear friend of mine whose son was born 11 years ago....diagnosed a true hermaphrodite. You'll have to forgive my ignorance of the abbreviations and medical terminology used, but I'm learning.

I'm hoping to find some other intersex children for Josh to communicate with regularly..... well, and his mother could use a network of friends who are dealing with this.

You see, Josh has been raised in a very small rural town where the ole keep it a "deep dark shameful secret" has been the mode of operation. Josh' mom is trying her level best to understand his condition, but for 10 years now there's been no follow-up with medical professionals, etc. To make matters worse the boys "father" (and I use that term very loosely) is probably the worst part of this. He uses terms like freak and deformed when talking to Josh, and just recently convinced dear little Josh that he was an experiment and the only person on earth like this. Grrrrrrrrr You can imagine my disgust, especially after having spent an entire day with Josh visiting the pediatric surgeon and children's hospital, all the while trying to convince him that he was NOT a freak but an incredibly wonderful gift of God.

Anyway..... to help you feel more comfortable with this newby among you, my name is Pat and I'm an Episcopal priest's wife. I'm a mom of two college aged children, a potter, and wife. I've spent the past two years trying to assist Josh' mom with her legions of personal problems, but found that the one most important thing needing addressing was Josh' care and well being. He was falling way too far down on the list of priorities.

I hope you all won't mind me being on this forum. I hope to gain as much knowledge as possible with the help of you all.

With warmest regards and great respect, PitterPat

ps: sorry for cross posting.

Hi ,
I am Muhoe I do not list my real name only able to get that from Betsy. I have been on the internet for a long time seeking knowledge about the so called dark secret.
I was born IS ,I never had any positive knowledge ever given to me by anyone growing up.
It was always stressed that I was a boy and I was not to act like anything else. I was never told that I was different than my peers. I was never told that I would grow up seeking answers I would never find. I have gone to the Holy one and he has lead me thru all of this.
I find love and solutude within myself and the guidace of my faith.
Josh will be a very lonely person if the critisim continues.
It did for me , my brother made sure of that.
I was very scared of others in life who would not accept me.
I thought and still do that the world is not ready for IS individuals to have a say in their world.
I hope you find the answers you seek, you could always ask for guidance.
Have a nice day and thanks for joining Bodies like Ours.
Muhoe

Thank you for your reply of support. Yes, I fear Josh has a very difficult road ahead of him, more as a result of his threatened father and sister. It pains me to know he'll struggle unnecessarily, but there's always hope. I'll give it my best and hope that I've halped in some way.

Kindest regards, and God's peace be with you,
PitterPat

Welcome Pat,

Hope you can find the help you need here. I'd be happy to try to find medical information for you. Or pray for specific requests (xyTurners@comcast.net). Glad that you're trying to help.

claraJane
46,XY/45,X (Mixed Gonadal Dysgenesis - True Hermaphrodite - fwiw)

Pat,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. We have several parents/grandparents who visit frequently and I hope that you will hear from some of them soon.


Thank-you for standiing up for Josh. While I don't know if he recognises it now, one day he will and will be grateful for that. Secrets in any family are bad and destructive influences.

Again. welcome and I hope you find the support that Josh needs so badly.

Betsy

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Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is. --Margaret Mitchell

<< I'm hoping to find some other intersex children for Josh to communicate with regularly..... well, and his mother could use a network of friends who are dealing with this. >>

When I was growing up, my mother would take me to this house regularly where there was this boy who I knew had something in common with me but I was afraid to talk about it. Well, I was afraid to communicate with him at all, because I was ashamed that he knew something about me like I knew about him that neither of us were allowed to talk about. Looking back, I think my mother was trying to get support for herself by visiting another mom of a child with the similar "abnormality," but I hated visiting him. It didn't necessarily help me feel better to interact with another child who shared the same "deep dark shameful secret" with me, as long as it was treated as a "deep dark shameful secret" in my family.

The way you describe Josh being treated makes me cry. It's extremely important that he has someone in his life who will always remind his how precious and wonderful he is. Based on my experience, though, I'm not sure if having Josh meet other kids with intersex conditions at this point would necessarily help... What do other people think?

Oh, are Josh's parents members of your congregation? I am not religious myself, but I grew up in Jewish and later Baptist households and I feel there were many things spiritual leaders and communities could have done in my childhood to support me and my parents... Even the "father" who says horrible things to Josh needs to get support, because I believe he's saying these stuff out of fear, shame, and stigma that he feels as a father of a child who is "different."

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ipdxWIRE Intersex News: www.ipdx.org/news

You don't have to live in a small town to feel the shame of being different. Some of us were raised in the biggest cities and still felt all alone. However, Josh should be kept safe from small town bullies (whether they're related or not).

Ignorance is no excuse for bad parenting, and Emi's correct: Josh's father needs help
If he doesn't change, every interaction he has with Josh will leave another terrible imprint.

If Josh's mom is on the internet, have her stop by here. Many of us have virtual friendships that evolve out of being here for each other. For most of us, it provides the most meaningful discussions we've ever had about the topics of feeling different.

Josh's mom should also preview www. queerbodies.org, our youth site. Josh may be too young for it, but his mom will get to see other IS kids that are talking about how this all feels to them.

Just by being here, we know you are a good friend and a compassionate person.
Thanks for helping Josh and his mom.
Janet

Hello Pat. It's nice of you to be doing this in an effort to help out your friend and her child. I don't even know what to say about that father you mentioned. I just can't put into words the contempt I have for someone like that.

As for meeting other IS kids: As far as I know, most kids that age just want to fit in & would not appreciate having any 'differences' pointed out. I think the thing he probably needs most is to know there's nothing "wrong" with him. Other posts in this string have already given suggestions that are as good and probably better than any I could think of.

And lastly (for now), welcome to our little forum Pat.

Andi (xx/xy)

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No good deed ever goes unpunished

Hello,

My name is Spencer. Im new to this forum and I hope I can be with you for some time to come. I couldn't help but be touched by this post.

I think it's important to remember that the father may be reacting out of ignorance of his childs gender, the fear and embarrisment he thinks will come with it...and, maybe, that it was a genetic fault passed on through him. When my nefew was born, all of these thoughts came to my brothers mind. His son liked to play with dolls so there HAD to be something hereditary passed on..after all, his sister looked like a brother and he couldn't deal with that. My nefew is grown now. There's not much love between them.

There was noone that my mother could turn to that knew anything about what her child was going through. All she knew is how much she loved me. She finally found a friend..like you..who was there to help her learn so she could protect her child through damage control. Neither of them knew anything about what they were looking for..but they found the information togeather. The woman was a Godsend and my mother can't talk about her today without tears coming to her eyes.

It is a wonderful thing that you are there for the mother of this sweet little child. I dont think you realize how much help you are to her. A mothers love can help to heal spiritual wounds.

I'm an intersex catholic priest.( please don't ask me how I managed that ) Our creator made us and he doesn't make mistakes. Your faith shows by the love you are giving to this child and his mother and I commend you. It is vital that this mother has support. Sometimes it feels like you are fighting the whole world and you begin to question God too.

But, by going through what we do makes us more understanding of other peoples pain and, down the line, we help others. You are this mothers lifeline and you are in my heart and prayers.

Spencer

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" When you have no money, it is time to go shopping "
Steven Harding