I can relate to "differentness," although I am not intersexed. My body is not like those of most other genetic females. Please bear with my story. It's long, but there are things here I am sure many of you can relate to.

At age 12, my mother took me to a doctor to see why "a girl of 12 had such a growth of pubic hair." Can you imagine my embarrassment? Other girls did not have pubes yet, but I did. I hated my breasts when they started to grow, too. The boys I played with started to make fun of me, and I wanted to be just like them, flat-chested. I remember trying to lay on my tummy as I talked on the phone (it was my habit) and my growing breasts hurt so badly. They grew so quickly, they seemed to explode out of me, and I carry the scar tissue of that explosion, still.

Fast-forward to age 14, and my first sexual feelings for another female. "Why," I asked myself "would a girl who had previously been quite sexual with boys suddenly want another girl?" I told one friend and she told me I was "crazy." I thought so, too. But the feelings persisted, and I decided rather than to fight them, to accept them. This was 1974. There were no "Gay and Lesbian Youth Support" groups, there were no Gay centers, there was nothing. I was a self-taught Lesbian.

Over the years, I wondered why I had so much more hair than other women. I have it everywhere: my sideburns, my chin, my moustache, my neck, my buns, heavy growth on the forearms -- just like a man. "Why is my voice so much deeper?" I wondered. Most notably of all, why do I feel no urge whatsoever to have a child? The baby craze for Lesbians that started in the 1980s confused me. I am not a breeder, I thought. Why would a non-breeder want a baby? Then I noticed that Lesbians who wanted babies tended to not have deep voices and lots of body hair, as I did.

Now to 2002. Three years of intense pain in my lower left abdomen that occurred with no discernible regularity, so I passed it off as food poisoning or stomach virus. It is horrible, this pain. Lasts four to six days, and is more incapacitating than the worst menstrual cramps I have ever had. As bad in fact, as the appendicitis attacks, which necessitated the removal of my appendix at age 16.

I went to a gyno, a male I had seen only for pap smears previously. I was in the throes of an acute attack and he put one hand inside me, and one on the outside, mashing my left ovary area. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming, the pain was so bad. I started to cry (which I never do in front of anyone I don't know VERY well). I know the m.f. saw my tears, but his attitude was abrupt, and he refused me any pain medication. He threw a sample containing 3 pills of Bextra (not much better than Aleve) at me, and left the room. I called his office and made it known to several nurses I would never see him again. He called a couple of times, sounding irritated, and urging me to come in for another visit. I asked the nurses for an appointment, and saw a female in that same office. She had the insight to do an ultrasound. And there they were -- the cysts on both ovaries, and a small uterine fibroid tumor.

She only offered birth control, even though I told her I cannot take it, due to a history of migraines, hypertension, and depression. This seemed to make her angry, and she just shrugged her shoulders at me, and said there was nothing more she could do.

I started to chart these attacks. Ten days before my period, they began. I went to my family physician, who gave me narcotics, but said he could not do that regularly for this problem. I asked him for the name of a good doctor who would not hurt me, as Stuart Pancer had. He referred me to an Indian female, who I hoped would be as sweet as him, my family doctor, who is an Indian Sikh, and a big teddy bear.

I arrived at (the doctor's office--actual name removed) office and told her nurse of my experiences with the other 2 gynos. (name removed) breezed into the room and interrupted my retelling of my pain, to ask "When did you last have intercourse?" I knew she had judged me, and I told her "None of your business." She replied "It is my business because I am your doctor and you need to be tested for AIDS." I replied "I take care of my business and I have already been tested." I knew then what I was dealing with. Once she had me undressed, in exam position, she commented on my hairiness. I guess I don't need to tell you how unprofessional that is. Then as she removed the speculum, she said "Did I hurt you?" I knew she said this in reference to my labia, which are large. I should have walked then, but I was desperate because of pain.

She told me to go to an ultrasound room where I waited 40 minutes, freezing, in pain, and needing to urinate. She came in and started fishing (there's no other word to describe it) around inside me, and mashing all the while. She was not competent to do an US because she could not even find the tumor the US technologist had found and shown me previously.

She had me dress, and her manner was still very abrupt, and condescending. I could tell she was pissed off at my setting the tone at the outset that my health care was in my hands.

We had the same birth control conversation I'd had with (another doctor). Only (bad doctor) openly showed her anger and irritation, telling me "Go find another doctor," when I refused birth control due to my medical history. She browbeat me into an injection of Depo-Provera. That was May 13th. By May 15th, I was unable to get out of bed. I felt drained of all energy. I had aches and pains all over my body. I was so depressed, I considered checking into a hospital. When I wasn't sleeping 12-16 hours a day, I was eating. I called her to ask why she had done this to me, and was there an antidote to the poison she had injected me with? She replied "How do you know it was the shot that did this?" I let her know she would never get any more referrals from my doctor and that she was unprofessional and incompetent. She couldn't have cared less. I took a whole bottle of activated charcoal within 48 hrs. of the Depo, hoping to counteract the effects, but it was too late.


I had my first regular period in 4 months a couple of weeks ago. Pain. Followed by incompetence, followed by neglect. The pain of the cysts is good enough, I can live with it!

I educated myself about my POD, and interviewed my mother to find out if anything weird had happened while she was pregnant with me. Indeed, she said she was "very sick with virus" for the first month or so of her pregnancy, a fact she'd never shared with me. That did it, that set the genetic malfunction that is my hormones. Oh welll.

(bad doctors): you can both rot in hell, because you both hate women.

And Rita, you thought the Depo would "change" me (you homophobic bitch), but it didn't! I love my different body and sexuality, and wouldn't have it any other way!

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"May those who love us, love us. As for those who don't love us, may God turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping." -- Ancient Irish proverb

Hello. I wanted to say the I read your post, twice. Your story is very much like the story of a girl who I dated. I will call her Mary. Mary clamed to be streight and said that she liked men. But I could realy feel inside that she was attracted to me sexualy. Mary had heavy hair on her back, arms and buddocks. Mary was bald on the top of her head like balding men. Mary grew a beard (a short one) so she need to shave her face every day like a man and wear heavy make up. SHe also had problems with her period and would only menstrate four times a year for weeks at a time.

Mary was very ashamed of her body untill she met me.

Now Mary is not intersexed, but her overies produce almost as much testostone as a man. She too had to see a doctor very regularly whom she would get very fustrated with. What I exsplained to her was, sometimes even the very best doctors don't know the answers. Most doctors don't like to admit that and will be very rude about it. But for every three rotten doctors, there is one realy understanding and helpfull one, who will admit, "I just don't know"

Now Mary taught me a few things. It is far more important who you are in the inside then on the outside. Mary was a very beutifull person on the inside and as soon as I saw that, and opened up to her, her gayness came out and we hooked up for a while.

Me and Mary still call on each other for support. She know I'm intersexed and values my friendship as I value hers.

I guess the point is : Forget about those asshole doctors, it was good to vent your feelings but what you realy need are friends who show you the good and warmth that you have inside of you.
I'm very sorry to hear about your pain and suffering but they are other ways of dealing with that without going to unsimpthetic doctors.

First thing is first, you need to get your depression in check.
there is no way your body can heal or recover from such things because deppression suppresses your ammune system which makes you feel more tired and less able to carry on with your day.

Try deal with that first by seeing a theirpist and talking out your problems, that first step is the biggest.

I hope we will chat soon
and keep your chin up!!



:D

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You really have to love yourself, to get anything done in this world!

Julanne

And a lesbian-friendly therapist!!!

Billy-Q, those doctors are really sick! Didn't they subscribe to the Hippocratic Oath? They should be made to copy it over and over and over until they get the point.

Best of everything, Billy-Q, and I hope to the heavens above that you get the help you need.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep in mind always the present you are
constructing. It should be the future you
want. ~ Ola
(Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar)

Thanx, Jules (my nick, also!) for your good thoughts & wishes. I don't believe in "therapy" have had alot of it, and am currently taking Lexapro for "depression."

The story of my attempt to "get my depression in check" is another story very similar to the one just told.

Yes, I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be, these days?:)

__________________
"May those who love us, love us. As for those who don't love us, may God turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping." -- Ancient Irish proverb

Thanx, Uriela for the good wishes. You hope to heavens above? Wow, I guess I came off pretty badly...lol.

This is a pretty bad time of year for me, the Christmas season and all, I promise I cheer up in the spring:)

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"May those who love us, love us. As for those who don't love us, may God turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping." -- Ancient Irish proverb

My therapist is not my best friend.

My theripist is not the closest person to me.

Yet she is a great mirror for me.

She mirrors me back to myself with out judgement so I can see my thoughts, my hopes, my fears, and my flaws.

I can tell how much progress or regressing I do month from month by listening to her, listen to me.

You see a good therapist does not tell you how to live your life or how to feel about it.

A good Therpist allows you to see youself as though your looking at yourself from the outside in.

I have made the biggest steps in my life durring these times of looking inward from the outside.

Medication for deppresion helps to break the spell so that you can get on with your day. BUT the whole idea of self-help comes from "insite" and there is no medication that can give you that.

Yes, "Life is over rated" There is a lot to be deppresed about even if you don't have our types of problems.

You have to "find" value in life and it starts with finding the wonderfull vaule you have in yourself, just for yourself.

If life is worth nothing more, it is worth the value that I find in it.

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You really have to love yourself, to get anything done in this world!

Julanne

Jules, I LOVED that last post! I have three therapists, but they have no office, and they don't charge.

The mirror analogy is so right-on. Do you believe in synchronicity? My buddy T.J. just yesterday compared trust in relationships to a mirror, once broken that can never be repaired.

Coincidence? I don't believe in those, either!

Namaste,
BQ

__________________
"May those who love us, love us. As for those who don't love us, may God turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping." -- Ancient Irish proverb

Um, Billie Q,

I just did a web search on Depo and I see what you mean. It can have some really bad effects on some women and you seem to have developed most of them. You were lucky to have stopped the shots at the first one. I never realized it could be like that! With your first period, it sounds like you are coming out of it though.

I know I came out of depression when I took some drastic action to address my hormonal imbalance.

I do have a therapist too, but my best therapy has come from the friends I have. too.

Sai ram!

__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep in mind always the present you are
constructing. It should be the future you
want. ~ Ola
(Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar)

Um, "bad effects?" Try "poison."
Yes, good friends are the best therapists because they are motivated by love, not money.

Thanks for caring enough to do a search on Depo.

BQ

__________________
"May those who love us, love us. As for those who don't love us, may God turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping." -- Ancient Irish proverb