Intersex Peer Support::Bodies Like Ours

At 45yrs old I've watched a lot of people come out in a lot of ways. There are some things that all people seem to go through. One of them is the tendency to think that we have to go on a metaphorical quest to steel the Wicked Witch's broom so that the Wizard will let us into the Kingdom of Queer. But, there is no Wizard, there is no Witch, and the door isn't really locked against us. We could have walked out of Kansas and into Oz, (yes dear, we're going the opposite direction of Dorothy), any time we wanted but were held back most by our own fear.

People in transition are in limbo and it is very true that until you settle at least a little bit you can only get just so close to people. That goes as well for people who are transitioning out of the orientation closet as those who are transitioning from MtF or FtM. But, getting close to others isn't a matter of getting them to let you in, it's a matter of opening yourself so others can get close to you. It took me 40 years to figure out how to let people in. The key wasn't in trying to become like everyone else so I would fit in, which I wasted decades doing. It was in accepting that I'm different and loving it so that others could fall in love with it too. This requires a whole lot of positive, validating life experiences. It's not easy to silence the inner voice that calls you a circus freak and sneers that if people really knew you they'd reject you. It takes real, concrete interaction with actual people. It is of no use to play out scenarios in your head or flee at the first sign of shock or confusion like I used to do! I needed 8 yrs in counseling to finally pull this off. It wasn't just the counseling that helped me - it was the courage the counseling gave me to go do the things I needed to do to break the spell of thinking I was intrinsically inferior. I needed to build up a big enough bank of acceptance so that I could endure rejections without being destroyed by them. My MSW would be living in Malibu Beach if he had a nickel for every time he told me that other people's problems with what I am are a symptom of their own issues and not actually caused by me, nor are they "proof" of my intrinsic value as a human being.

The biggest obstacle to a healthy life and identity for any/all GLBTI people is escape from shame. I'm adamant about that! I really believe it is number one. Building a community of friendship and lovers is what empowers us and ultimately frees us from isolating shame. Our society criminalizes and/or pathologizes anyone who is not male/masculine/heterosexual or female/feminine/heterosexual. We don't have to buy into that false view and if we have bought into it we can return it for a full refund. The more we reach out to others the stronger we all become. So many of my transgendered friends are afraid other GLB people will reject them as outcasts among outcasts. Don't lurk in doorways, just march right in like you already belong there because you do and there are people waiting to welcome you home. There are those who may not be welcoming but we must not give them power to drive us away from our entitled place in Gay Society. After all, they need our help and example so they can come to terms with their own gender issues.

Originally published in "The Empty Closet", a publication of the Gay Alliance of Genessee Valley (NY).