Intersex Peer Support::Bodies Like Ours

Spencer has a riveting story

My name is Fr Spencer St John and I was born on April 30th 1949. My first recollection that I was different from others came when I was three years old. Distressed over being given and dressed in a pretty and very frilly dress, I went crying into the playground and ripped it to shreds. Even at that tender age, I was teased and excluded from activities that I wanted to join. As I became a little older, I played alone and developed my imagination. Writing became my escape.

Everyone said I was a girl because that's how my reproductive system was designed and that I was only a " tomboy" that would outgrow my " problems". Reaching puberty, my body and mind spoke differently. My development was very masculine and I was not attraced to men. Girls would show strong interest, but I would retreat into my own world already knowing that there was no place for me in our society.

My parents had no way of knowing my unhappiness, but my mother became very protective of her child because of the way she saw others treating me and I was living the life of a hermit. I made animals my friends and spent most of my time running up and down a river bank on an unending exploration of nature. I would lay on my stomach on a small bridge and watch fish swiming in a world that was just as alien as the one I was in. But it did not take me long to discover that all things are created by God and have their own special place in the world. Often, I would lay on my back in the grass and watch the clouds. I understood they treated Jesus bad too. I would always cry and wish that God would take me back up there with him.

I grew into young adulthood and became even more spiritual. I was empathic to the pain of others and began to forget about my own. People still whispered behind my back, sneered and made unkind comments but, when they needed someone to talk to, they came to me. But I remained " in the world, but not of it." I had five years of psychological evaluations, but noone ever gave me a physical exam or care. A group of doctors told me I was a hermorphodite. My birth certificate is closed so I can not have it and my identification as a female can not be legally changed.

At times, I watched people in love and wondered what my life would be like if I had one like theirs. The foremost question in my mind was " why". For what purpose did God create me to be persecuted and alienated from the world I lived in. I knew there had to be a reason and this deep and unconditional faith gave me the strength to go on. I knew that God made me the way I was for a reason only he knew and it was something I had to accept.

I reasoned that, if my life was to be lived like a priest, then maybe I was meant to be one. I joined a church and began biblical studies through them. Toward the end of the course, I was told that I would not get credit for the classes unless I " changed my ways". It was then that the church told me that , if I didn't, I would go to Hell with no salvation. I was confused, angry and hurt. What they were telling me was that, no matter what good I ever did in my life, I was doomed to be a sub human creature of the dark side. I knew I could not change and I never believed God did not love me. If I had to go to Hell, then there must be a reason for that too. If it was Gods will, then so be it. I would still be a priest and try to help others that were in the same pit I was in.