[TracyL1975]

Well.. An update.. Of sorts. I am back to square one. Sort of.

I met with a board of approximately 20 doctors and surgeons at Henry Ford. My doctor was presenting my case, and her thoughts of adrenalectomy.. Well. She was shot down faster than imaginable. Lots of arguing.. Until another doctor (practically shouted)... "The dosage of hydrocortisone she is on now is not much higher than adrenal replacement which is 25-35mg of hydrocortisone. To sustain her body mass, she would have to be consuming a minimum of 3000 calories a day. We need to rule out patient intake in this case. I recommend a gastric bypass. And all of the doctors agreed. Even after explaining to them that I have a diagnosis of Anorexia that is NOT under control emotionally. I only eat the bare minimum that the diet program I am on allows. I pulled out one of the meal packets for the doctor to examine, but he still kept insisting.. I left that room as hopeless and defeated as I have ever been.

The next day, the semi - retired endorchologist that 'helps out' at the william beumont weight control center called me.. He said that gastric bypass surgery should be the very last option, after everything else had failed. He made me promise not to pursue it.. He also stated that the dosage of Dexamethasone I am on is the equivelent of 20mg of hydrocortisone.. thus blowing the other doctors theory out of the water. He recommended I contact a semi-retired Cushing's syndrome specialist at the University of Michigan, and get his opinion.

I have been googling "Cushing's syndrome". One site in particular has photographs of a certain kind of 'stretch mark' that a person with Cushing's have. Surprise, I have those exact same color stretch marks in all of the noted places on my body. my torso and face shape match.. I even have the 'hump' in my back.

Througout my whole life, I have always assumed my weight was my own fault. Assuming of course, I am told that I simply 'eat too much'. Of course, I believe what I am told. I think I mastered the ability to ignore hunger pains by the age of 23. I stopped eating red meat and candy at the age of 24.. I gave up all forms of carbonated drinks around the same time. At the time, my heaviest weight hovered around 240. Around the age of 28, I was given Dexamethasone to help control the CAH symptoms. That is around the same time that I first exceeded the 300lb mark. Sometime in August 2005, I stopped taking dexamethasone (I was rather interested in dating, and had met someone). In a matter of a few months, my weight dropped to around 210. In december, I was hospitalized due to an overload/breakdown (breakup + buying a house + stress of holidays). They diagnosed me with an eating disorder. They also forced me to resume taking dexamethasone as my protests to the drug were chalked up to the eating disorder. Besides, the doctors knew best, right? Upon checking into the hospital, my body weight hovered around 200lbs. Upon checkout two weeks later, I was 220. 1 year later, I was at 300lbs.

4 months ago, my primary care physician asked me to join the weight control to 'prove' to the endos that there is a real problem. I have been faithful to the program. I work out in the gym.. I work out very hard, and I spend as much time there as I can.

Overall and especially the events of the last week has had a devastating impact on my mental well being. As I type this post, I cannot help but cry. Over the past few months, I have become a loner. The few people left in my life are always saying things like -- if you don't love yourself then nobody else will love you. The funny thing is? I LOVE myself.. I love everything -- except what is on the outside. On the outside is not me. The outside does not match the inside. On the outside is a grotesque distorted image that doesn't even RESEMBLE me. I look in the mirror, and the image I see back is that of sloth. Lazy, uneducated, overindulgent sloth. I see someone who spends her time eating boxes of twinkies in front of a tv displaying jerry springer. I see it, and I know others see it. my own distorted mental image aside, I know that my body cannot survive like this. Besides, I do not want to live like this. If the UofM doctor cannot help, then I do not know what is left.

Tracy