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[Rycharde]

Hi, I'm Rycharde, 24, male identified from birth, pronounced female at birth.

I have always known I was a boy, all my life I told my friends I had both but never had any proof. I still really don't have medical proof but I know my anatomy is different than any other female I have seen and that I am not trans.

Why? Because I don't WANT to be a boy. I just am. I don't want to be a girl either. I just want to be me. I don't hate my body but without testosterone I suffer severe manic depression. I have two biological daughters and I'm expecting a son in August. All my kids were conceived on birth control. The pill I took was what made me ovulate when I was 14 and my doctors put me on it because I was not menstruating. I was raped and got pregnant shortly after I began my getting period and I stopped taking the pill after the surgeon who preformed my abortion told me that I could not, should not and never will carry children.

I started it again because my boyfriend threatened to dump me if I didn't. I had a daughter the following year. I wanted another child so I started taking the pill and got what I wanted, my two year old daughter.

My son was conceived differently.
My estrogen rocketed because of the supplements I was taking to boost my testosterone. So I tried again, and here I am with child.

This is the last one I'm having. My body is falling apart. I can't keep messing with my hormones like that so I'm taking testosterone patches starting in November 07 and I'm going to stay on a low steady dose of T.

Over my life I have had so many health problems. Looking at how low my estrogen is, and how well my body responds to testosterone things are coming into perspective. Alas I know nothing yet.

I'm really scared to ask my doctors about it because what do they know? I'm seeing a trans clinic where I was instantly approved for testosterone because I'd been living my life for 3 years solid, one stealth as a male, and had come out as being "both" to all my friends at the age of 12.

Still I don't know what I am, I have differences, I have health and mental health issues. I have no idea where to start, or what to do.

I used to think it was because my mom took fertility drugs when she had me that I am different.
But then I started to think. Mom was married at 20 years old. Mom never grew breasts. Mom never had her cycle until she was 23... Mom got VERY upset when I told her I was taking testosterone. But my mom has so many gay friends, so many trans friends, she's got drag queens in our house, making their costumes. Why does she have an issue?
Is there something she will NEVER tell me?
I always said that I wish my children to be just like me, good looking , intelligent and happy in life. She SNAPPED on me and told me never to wish myself onto my children. I think she knows she is intersexed, I think it is hereditary and I think she is very upset that I am making all the choices she didn't have the strength to make.

I now live as a homosexual male and my kids call me Daddy. I started living just as Daddy because it's just easier that way.

I hate fitting into boxes! But I guess I have to eh? I know I'm unstable without testosterone. I know I'm unhealthy and that I was healthier with it. But even just saying I'm gay puts me at risk. Let alone I'm gay and I don't mine being male in a feminine body. I nfact I don't feel the need to change anything and just want to live and be seen as myself. But no one gets that.

I hope being here, someone will.

Thanks.