Please advice or help!

[Anawim]

I consider myself transgendered and started estrogen therapy do it yourself. Yes I know do it yourself is stupid but I've seen doctor after doctor after doctor for these issues. Now before you stop reading because I'm an idiot that started hrt on my own just take a minute to read my entire message before judging me because I really need advice and I'm really quite scared right now and no I'm not some transsexual that has something like one big nipple and figures I'm intersexed so I can be better then all the other transsexuals, I'm going through severe and drastic medical issues.

I started hormone therapy as I believe that there is something wrong with my hormones as when I hit puberty I developed small breasts and very wispy chest and facial hair. None of the other things happened to me that are supposed to happen during puberty, no voice lowering no broadening of shoulders, etc. I also believe I have problems with my bones as I had a bone break in my foot last year when I jumped off a 6' high fence, my toenails fall off occasionally, last year three of them fell off (I saw a nurse and she said "this is normal for people that walk a lot", right), my fingernails are a bright red colour rather then pink and they're thin and brittle, my toenails are just disgusting looking no other way to describe them, I get aches and pains in my bones.

I've frantically searched for doctors to help me with nothing to come of it, I live in Canada so I can't just pay someone I have to go to doctor after doctor begging the arrogant, ignorant pricks. The last doctor I talked to about my breasts and concerns gave me a lecture on how people's bodies are all different from different hormones in the womb (cause breasts develop in the womb, moron). My body in fact looked like the picture of the guy on the wiki article with klienfelters syndrome (except I"m skinny and have some body hair).

I started estrogen on a low dose I read the effects - slight feminization and such and I was ok with that as I'm transgendered. Slight feminization did not seem like such a big deal as I already have breasts anyway, right? I believed my bones were brittle and I'd get pain in my bones and no doctor would help me or believe me, I figured this would help and maybe could be the start of the way to my full transition. I started taking a small dose of estrogen I ordered from a pharmacy. The dose I'm taking is the same dose a menopausal woman would take. I got estrogel and am using two squirts of it per day which gives you 1.5mg of estraidol. I'm not taking any testosterone blocker and from what I've read a normal trans person would be taking twice to three times as much as I am plus a t-blocker.

Just some info first I'm 36 years old, I was 6' tall and around 155 lbs. In the month I've been taking the estrogen my body has been radically altered in every way. My shoulders have shrunk, the actual bone has shrunk (no not cartilage or muscles, my actual clavicle bone, I think that's the name of it). My chest has become smaller and my ribs pushed together. I've become shorter by 2 inches, my shoe size has gone from a men's size 10 to a size 8 and my feet are arched now so that I land on my tiptoes when I jump. Most of what little body hair I have has either disappeared or turned to blonde hair, even some of my facial hair has turned blonde, my skin has become softer (it was already quite soft), my nails have gone from red coloured at the base and growing brittle and almost transcluscent to pink, thick and pearly white like a normal person, my toenails have gone from absolutely disgusting yellowish/black and cracked to fixing themselves and are now becoming pink and thick like my fingernails, my eyes have changed colour from green to blue and my vision has improved, my legs have become 'curvy', my hip bones (the actual bones, not fat redistribution or cartilage or any of that, the bones) have widened and I've gained around 5-6 inches in my hips, I now walk like a woman does naturally, all the fat in my body which was already kind of feminine like around my thighs and such has all been sucked into my butt, thigh and hip area. I've lost about three or four inches off my waist and I have perfect feminine curves, the breasts I had have spread out and about doubled in size. My jaw has moved fixing the chewing problems I've always had as my back teeth never connected when I closed my mouth, they do now. What happened with my shoulders and my back has caused all the tension in my back to be released as before I would wake up about every second day with shooting pains all around my shoulder blades and bottom of my neck area (another doctor declared imaginary problem, "here just take this prescription for tylenol 3"), this is gone completely, there is no more knots and tension in my back, thank god no more daily pain. It appears as if my forehead has shrunk and my ears have also shrunk. It seems my arms have gotten longer. Before I was totally uncoordinated at any gross motor activities I could hardly kick a soccer ball, now I have the grace of a gymnast and can do the splits almost to the floor. I've been unable to stop listening to Katy perry and lady gaga :p joking. There is more things but I think you get the point. My body has become completely feminine, in the space of about three and a half weeks on a small dose of estrogen. I've completely mutated. My mood has improved and I feel great, better then I have ever felt that I can remember. No fatigue, concentration is better, I'm happy and energetic and taking interest in the things around me. The only bad side effect I've had is about the first week on it I had massive cramps, gas and diarrhea. I've had this before (another 'imaginary' problem) but never as bad. I've also had "imaginary" shooting pains up and down the sides of my groin in the past.

I've also had problems urinating in the past and have had to kind of 'massage' the last bits or urine out at the end of the stream or it'll drip for a while after and feel tense like drops are stuck up and down my urinary tract, it might be a urinary tract infection I don't know but it's been like this for a long time. I haven't had this looked at as seeing doctors causes me extreme anxiety and I just kind of freeze up around them that's how much fear they cause me, I also fully expect to just be blown off and told that my problem is in my head, so it doesn't really seem to be worth the anxiety to just get blown off.

I also have what appear to be surgery scars around my genital area. I've asked my mother about them and been told they're just stretch marks I do have stretch marks as I was put on a medication that made me gain some weight very quickly but these are not stretch marks they are scars, they do not appear to have stitch marks but I'm assuming that after so long it'd just become one large scar tissue?. My mother also becomes very defensive when I ask about them, saying things like, "there is nothing wrong with our family our family is completely normal", the way she reacts leads me to believe she is lying. This is also a woman who is capable of throwing a child out onto the street at the age of fifteen because her new husband doesn't like him, she is basically a waste of air. There is two large scars to the left of my scrotum. My penile raphe I think it's called is non existant. Instead what I have is a line coming up from my anus then it goes up a few inches around this line there are numerous scars one of my girlfriends said it looks like someone had ripped me open numerous times and butchered my insides, telling me there is no chance in hell that those are stretch marks. The line stops there, then on my scrotum I just have a greyish/black coloured kind of area going up about half my scrotum, it does not connect to the other line at all and instead kind of spreads out and disappears (sorry I can't explain it any better) and it also does not run up my penis. My testicles are slightly smaller then average and I don't know if this is my imagination as I don't frequently examine my testes but they seem to have gotten larger rather then smaller from the estrogen, they haven't shrunk anyway. My scrotum is hairless. I've also always had arms that curve slightly outward which is a feminine trait and my pubic hair is in a female pattern, triangle pointing down instead of up as well as the aforementioned puberty problems. I may also have more scars I haven't noticed but the ones listed above are large and noticeable and certainly aren't simply stretch marks. The one thing is that I"m fertile and have fathered children? Besides the penile raphe thing my penis is normal. Is it possible to be fertile, have a normal penis, and have an intersex condition?

I went to my local ER. I told the admissions people at the ER about what is happening to me. I waited in the waiting room for about an hour and they sent in a psychiatrist to speak with me instead of a doctor, idiots. No one would even perform a physical exam on me even though through my clothes anyone can see I obviously have a female shaped body now. I just left the hospital when the psychiatrist asked me if I was hearing voices. I managed to find a doctor that works amongst the street population (I figured a street doc would be nice and caring and he was) that I convinced to give me a referral to an endocrinologist, I will be seeing the endo in two days. I'm afraid she will just brush me off, I don't think she will as it's obvious now that I have a woman's body but a penis. I'm hoping she doesn't, I've been treated like walking trash all my life by the medical profession, so I'm afraid of what she'll say or do.

I think there is a 100% chance that something was done to me. Any advice? Do any of you here know where I could get advocacy from an intersex group to deal with the medical profession, if the endo blows me off? I live in British Columbia, Victoria, Canada. Please give me some advice and help, I'm really really scared, I don't know what to do my entire body has altered, I'm afraid I might die. I went to trans websites and they all just mocked and ridiculed me and told me I was a liar and what is happening to me is impossible. I realize it is seemingly impossible but this happening to me right now I'm not crazy, I've been taking measurements and everything of all the changes. I can take pictures if no one here believes me if I have to. I'm afraid if I stop taking the hormones something will happen to me like I"ll be stuck in some kind of half formed shape and one of my organs will get messed up. At one point my heart was actually moving and appeared to be half outside my ribcage. I did stop taking the estrogen for a day and a half and I felt horrible. I'm afraid if I keep taking them something will also happen. I don't want to get sick or die. At the same time as being scared what's happened is a miracle all my lifelong physical problems have been fixed even my messed up jaw and I'm turning into the woman I've always fantasized about being (sorry if that sounds weird or perverted to you all )I'm terrified of medical people as every time I see one they walk all over me, I need an advocate or someone to help me through this. Unless the endo can prove to me without a doubt that I'm going to get sick or die I will not stop taking the estrogen, this is really a dream come true. I fully expect the endo to make up some lie about what it will do to me just to get me to stop so I'll have trouble really believing anything she says. If I stopped my bones wouldn't go back anyway would they? I will absolutely refuse any testosterone as I'd rather commit suicide then put that in my body. Please if you have even an inkling of an idea of what is happening to me email me at drapetomaniac(at)live.ca or post back here. I would be grateful for any advice from anyone.