Hope you can join us!

Bodies Like Ours to be at PFLAG National Conference

Why Should PFLAG Care About Intersex?

PFLAG mother Jean Helms is joined by intersex activists Betsy Driver of Bodies Like Ours and Kimberly Saviano of the Intersex Society of North America to discuss their personal experience with intersex and explain why PFLAG should embrace intersexuality in its programs. There will be a screening of ISNA’s new medical training video, “The Child with an Intersex condition: Total Patient Care”. Afterwards, there will be time for Q&A and discussion. Dandara Hill, the Executive Director of Bodies Like Ours will also be in attendance.

The workshop is scheduled for 8:00am-10:15am on Sunday, September 29, 2002.

The National PFLAG conference is being held September 27-29, 2002 in Columbus, OH at the Hyatt Grand Regency. More information about the conference may be obtained from www.pflag.org

Your generous financial support makes Bodies Like Ours possible and helps pay for important outreach programs such as our presentation to PFLAG. Please consider making a donation today by visiting http://www.bodieslikeours.org/Suppo...rts/donate.html

__________________
Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is. --Margaret Mitchell

Betsy,

I do not understand why we would want to be associated with PFLAG!!! PFLAG is a group for friends and family of gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Being Intersex has nothing to do with being homosexual! I have been fighting for years to get people to understand that Intersexual does not mean homosexual, which much of the uneducated public assumes. I certainly know that there are IS people who identify as gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, but certainly not all of us do. For these individuals why can't their friends and family join PFLAG for the real reason, because of their homosexuality and NOT their Intersexuality!?!

I feel having PFLAG embrace intersexuality would be a huge step backwords for us as Intersexuals. This would mean to the rest of the world that all IS people want to be under the umbrella of homosexuality and that we have no real identity of our own. Being IS is NOT about sexual preference, it's about the way we were bourn and what in essence our 'true gender' is. I feel that if this happens it will be detrimental for us in being recognised
as Intersexuals. I certainly know that there are IS
people who identify as gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, but
certainly not all of us do. By putting us under PFLAG it labels us as something we are not collectively, and we certainly don't want
to be labelled anything that we are not as a whole.

Please know that I am not trying to attack you or anyone else, but I do feel very strongly about this situation, I'm trying to look out for all Intersexuals and that is why I felt I had to post this.

Hugs,
CR

Hi CR (and others who may feel the same way)...

Should we not bother with any groups who may not affect everyone? If we receive an invitation to speak to a predominately African-American group should we decline the opportunity to educate because not all IS people are black (but certainly some are)? Should we decline an invitation for a Baptist group because not all IS people are Baptist?

In fact, your post is quite similar to a letter that was received in my email yesterday along the same lines. Here was our response from our Executive Director:

I appreciate you sharing your concerns regarding our attendance at the PFLAG Conference. Especially as a family member of an intersexed child, your opinions are very important to us. I hope you will accept my opinions as well.

I would never sacrifice the gains that have been made in the acceptance and understanding of intersexed people and the issues we face. We do not have a political agenda to align intersex with homosexuality. Yet we cannot ignore the correlation between (some types of) intersexed conditions and an increased likelihood of non-heterosexual preferences. We have pledged ourselves to support our intersexed peers (adults, children and families), but just as importantly, to educate anyone that will listen about what intersex is and is not.

Our decision to attend this PFLAG Conference was based on our desire to increase awareness and acceptance of intersex. After examining PFLAG's Vision Statement we felt that their conference attendees and members would certainly grasp AND embrace the issues we face of secrecy, shame and isolation:

"We, the parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay. bisexual and transgender persons, celebrate diversity and envision a society that embraces everyone, including those of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Only with respect, dignity and equality for all will we reach our full potential as human beings, individually and collectively. PFLAG welcomes the participation and support of all who share in, and hope to realize, this vision."

Furthermore, PFLAG's Mission Statement can only help people with intersexed conditions:

"PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy; to end discrimination and secure equal civil rights. PFLAG provides and opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity."

You (the author of the letter) wrote, "I do NOT personally think that if an IS person is attracted to what appears as the same sex is the same thing as being gay. I think they were just raised as the wrong sex or else it's just both of the male and female chromosomes kicking in. "

You have an educated and a trained mind to be "intersex aware", and possibly view a "same sex" couple differently than the ill-informed general public might. But I can tell you that if an intersexed person looks female, and is romantically involved with another female, the issue quickly becomes one of perception, not reality. It also becomes an issue of homosexuality, whether we like it or not. After all we suffer through as intersexual survivors, we should not have to hide ourselves again because of shame and secrecy of a different sort..

"At this point in time I find that people that have NOTHING but criticism of gays & lesbians"

They said that about Negroes in the 1960's.
They said that about Women in the 1970's.
They've said it about the Italians, Irish, and Polish.
Some still do.

Ignorance is not an excuse to keep the status quo, especially when it is clearly wrong.
Yes, it's an unfortunate truth that in our progressive, enlightened, tolerant society we still have too many small minded people that loudly share their ignorant views to anyone that will listen. In the company of such people, others might be intimidated to keep their opposing views to themselves.

But it is also true that MANY more people than ever before are not only tolerant of minorities, but also embrace them. PFLAG didn't start a cause... they responded to it. As homosexuality has come out of the closet, parents, families and friends have realized that they know someone who is gay.

You wrote (the author of the letter), (people) "DO accept intersexed people much more readily because they know that they can't help their condition & they feel that gays & lesbians make an immoral choice. "

People that think homosexuality is a choice (immoral or not) are hiding from the very real truth that sexuality is not a choice. In the majority of case, sexuality is biologically, chromosomally and/or genetically programmed. It is a terrible falsehood that one "chooses" sexuality anymore than one chooses eye color, IQ, or height. Research is finally proving what homosexuals have been saying for years, that their sexuality was not a choice. By association, the understanding and acceptance of intersexed conditions will further the acceptance of this reality more than any other.

"I personally do NOT want my granddaughter to be connected to this group."

But what if your grand daughter chooses this group for herself? What if she asked you to join? Suppose, because of PFLAG's tolerance and acceptance she feels welcomed and nourished there? Your beloved little one, simply because of fate, might very well have issues of gender, and fitting in, and feeling different. It could be a choice she makes... just like what religion she practices (or not), where she chooses to make her home, who she chooses to love.

We are here to educate a sympathetic community. Some are aware of intersex and some are not. We ask EVERY person we come in contact with to tell five people they know about intersex.
We are here for the mothers and fathers and grandparents of intersex children, because they need their stories told.
We are here because conference attendees are not "just" gay... they have lives as parents, friends, co-workers ~ and if they know about intersex, they can offer help.

And, we are here for your grand daughter, because it is through educational outreach such as this that she and other intersexed in her generation, will grow up without shame, secrecy and isolation.

Thank you for taking the time to write. Please, always feel free to share your thoughts, feelings and opinions with us.

__________________
Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is. --Margaret Mitchell

Thank you for sharing this letter with me(us), I do and will always respect the opinions of others. Now as for the questions and you made in the first paragraph…I completely understand your point! I truly do. And yes I think that we should bring awareness to the general population, but I do not think that we should do it in a way that will defame those of us in the Intersex community. If an African-American group, or Baptist Group were to accept IS issues for support, no one would assume that all IS people are African American or Baptist, however, many, many uneducated people about IS issues automatically assume that the term 'intersex' already has something to do with sexual orientation and homosexuality, so joining with PFLAG will only confirm this lie to these people. I know that neither you nor anyone else that went to this conference would intentionally do anything to hurt the Intersex community and reputation, however I believe joining with PFLAG will do both in a big way. Society does not treat homosexuals very well on the whole, so why would we want to heap this kind of treatment on IS kids who already have a tough life as is?

Hugs,
CR

Dear CR,
Although I wasn't at the PFLAG conference with Betsy and Dandara, I did support ISNA's request to the PFLAG board in favor of including intersexed people and their families in the group PFLAG serves, and I wanted to tell you why. Family members as dedicated and outspoken as you are, in my experience, pretty rare in the intersex community. This is for lots of reasons, but one of them is the ignorance, or confusion of intersex conditions with sexual orientation, that you mention. When parents are afraid their kids will be labeled with a stigmatized identity, they teach the kids what they were taught themselves by their doctors, which is to keep the condition a secret. One consequence of that is shame for the family members as well as for the intersexed child. Another is the likelihood of a family crisis when an adult child discovered the truth about his or her intersex identity and medical treatment, a crisis virtually no family is equipped to resolve and virtually no professionals are experienced in handling.

Helping families find education, support, and advocacy to help them deal wih a social stigma is exactly what PFLAG is wonderful at doing. I've spoken to many GLBT people and to parents of GLBT people whose families were quite literally saved by the experience of finding others who had weathered the crisis of discovering a child is gay or lesbian and the resulting dread, anger, fear, and shame that arise. Meeting people who are on the other side of that experience can reassure a family that understanding and support are available, that acceptance and trust take time to grow after a secret is shared, and that families end up stronger and more connected as a result. Learning to figure out who and what to tell about this experience is a key way in which PFLAG members help one another find the middle ground between stayed mired in shame and exposing private information to people who will not understand. I think PFLAG has a lot of wisdom to share.

Nina Williams, Psy.D.

Above ALL Else, we each need to listen to each other, and I appreciate the honesty and time you have put into this issue. You have brought up several important thoughts that I want to respond to:

" I do not understand why we would want to be associated with PFLAG!!!"

Firstly I need to point out that PFLAG has been considering the issue of intersex for several years now. They have taken it upon themselves to take a stand against the current protocol. Realizing the damage that is caused, they see it as a human rights issue of bodily integrity (for those who suffer genital surgeries), choice, self determination, and acceptance. Regarding issues of shame, secrecy and isolation: parents, family and friends of gays, lesbians AND intersex share many of the same burdens and joys.

"Being Intersex has nothing to do with being homosexual!"

With your type of condition, this could be true. Should we ignore the conditions that do? Should we turn away from all of the little boys with small penises that were made into girls? How about people born with partial androgen insensitivity? Or XXY, XO, mosaic, or congenital adrenal hyperplasia? The list is long. Be forever thankful you are on the short list, because being homosexual on top of all of the issues of intersex, is a heavy burden to be sure.

We are ALWAYS very clear in our presentations that intersexuality and homosexuality should NEVER be equated; but research is proving that while some intersex conditions do not result in homosexuality or bisexuality at incidences higher than average populations, many intersex conditions do.

Because Bodies Like Ours is an "umbrella group" for every type of intersex, our dedication to education spans many diverse schools of thought. We aim to be inclusive to all of our constituents while balancing the individual problems they face.
We are committed to furthering understanding, not replacing misunderstanding with more falsehoods.

"I have been fighting for years to get people to understand that Intersexual does not mean homosexual, which much of the uneducated public assumes."

Uneducated public... redundant in my opinion. It takes many years, sometimes even generations, for myths to die. Think of how far we have come from the beginnings of "modern medicine" in the 1950's. Obviously though, not far enough. I equate my life as being with Moses in the desert:
I will never see the promised land, but I have escaped from slavery, and my children and their children will also be free.

Think about your own journey and the "truths" you started with. Think about all of the uneducated you have re-educated. Think about the part you play in the evolution of knowledge and acceptance. Will we change the way our grandparent's generation think? Doubtful. Our parent's generation? More likely, but maybe not. Our own generation? Perhaps not all, but very possibly. Our children's generation? Absolutely! Without question, it will still take 40 years in the desert.

Forgetting for a moment our own lives of twisted pain, unanswered questions and isolation. What about the teens that are struggling each day? What about the babies born while I have been typing away? I believe we each have an obligation to create a better world on whatever level we can. If we're lucky, we do something that changes lives.

Make no mistake: physicians have followed protocol BECAUSE OF THE POSSIBILITY that we might "turn out" homosexual. Desiring to mirror society's dictate regarding "abnormal behavior", they have changed our physical bodies, internal chemistry and biology.

Chemically, hormonally, Chromosomally and biologically, many intersexed people have a tremendously difficult journey trying to fit into the "Male OR Female" binary. By definition we are each between the sexes. Having our genitals surgically altered doesn't change the pre-existing chemistry in our brains or the psychological and emotional affects of enduring invasive surgeries, procedures and examinations throughout our childhood.

"For these individuals why can't their friends and family join PFLAG for the real reason, because of their homosexuality and NOT their Intersexuality!?!"

Many do. Many parents of intersexuals have joined because they love someone that is gay. Only later do they realize the connection between the way their child was born and the overall issues of sexuality. I actually wish our parents had an organization to help them deal with their own issues of shame, secrecy, isolation and guilt. It is so hard for our parents who were only trying to do the best for us.

"... so joining with PFLAG will only confirm this lie to these (uneducated) people."

If we're out here educating about intersex, we're fighting many lies. And the truth is that many uneducated/ill-educated people prefer to stay that way. That may to be easier for them than accepting others who may be different. Still, remaining quiet seems to me like a lousy choice.

Also, people that belong to PFLAG (and it is often not the only organization they belong to) ARE educated about all things gender-related. Without much convincing, they understand our issues and support our goals. If everyone were as tolerant, we'd have a much easier time of it.

"Society does not treat homosexuals very well on the whole, so why would we want to heap this kind of treatment on IS kids who already have a tough life as is?"

Most often societies haven't treated differences with acceptance, understanding and compassion. That is why we create smaller societies to mirror our beliefs; to accept what we feel is truth. But truth changes as our experiences and knowledge increase:
"We'll never put a man on the moon."
"We'll never cure cancer."
"We'll never experience terrorism within the U.S."
"Boys will be boys, girls will be girls."
"There are only two ways to be: Manly Man or Feminine Woman."

Will every white person living in the south ever accept African Americans as their equal? Doubtful. But should we then all believe the lie and promote the myth?
Any type of bigotry needs to be confronted, but some people will always believe what they've been taught or what they've grown up with. As our own misunderstood minority, keeping silent hasn't helped us very much. Being labeled (I'm hating a lot of labels these days) as gay by an ill-informed public has much less effect on my life than living in shame, secrecy and isolation did.

Bodies Like Ours is committed to changing the perceptions of our realities.
In our unity of intersexuality, we are actually quite diverse. We pledge to present our issues fairly and honestly. We understand your concerns (and the concerns of others) regarding the issues of homosexuality, and that it not be viewed as inseparable from intersexuality. All we seek is tolerance of our uniqueness, understanding of our issues, compassion for our challenges.

Open dialogue is so key to our acceptance of each other. We are more alike than we are different.

I will not be held hostage by the hate of the fearful and ignorant anymore! What is shameful is the stigma heaped upon lesbians, gay men, intersexuals, transsexuals and trangendered people. It the bigoted that should be ashamed.

I will NOT shun anyone for simply being homosexual, transgendered or transsexual. For doing so would be no different than shunning someone for being an Intersex person. Should I refuse to associate with any of the afore mentioned for fear of guilt by asscociation. I am a prisoner of shame, cowed by hate, and therefor part of the problem.

Many people fear, loathe, and despise we intersex, for the same reason they also do those I just mentioned. We are different. Having conclusive proof that it is "not our fault" because we were born outide the norm, makes NO difference to them. We are to them "abnormal", "something" to be feared, despised, rejected, and talked "about".

CR, fearing that the stigma heaped upon other sexual minorities may rub off on us, is both a symptom and a reinforcment of, the essential cause of it, ignorance and fear. Please look deeply within yourself, consider these things, and find the courage to love.

I am a lesbian. I have had my sex changed twice. I was born intersexed. I am as good and worthy as any other.

I gained strength just reading your post!

Also, have been trying to send you a message, but the email we have for you is defunct. Please update it when you can.

Thanks for your words,
Dandara

Well now I am blushing, because coming from 'you', that is a real big compliment. I aplogogise for the poor grammar, and my awful spelling. I took my Mac offline, and I am now using my partner's computer. No spell checker. [sigh] Well the truth is out. I can't spell, and my writing skills diminsh with aggravation.

I will update my profile, but please address the message to me in the subject line. It is my pal's email box.

Glad to be of service dear. I was afraid you all would think me a big jerk for speaking my mind on this one. I just couldn't hold back any longer. I hope CR is not offended, but just thinks about it a bit. I do understand how easy it is to accept destructive cultural assumptions as facts. I am just against it is all.

Thanks for the compliment Dandara. I am so flattered. I can't tell you how much.

Big hug,