some one please,desperate.

[steve/lisa]

Hi,Everyone I know I only put a post up (At last)a couple of days ago but have big decision to make,And i'm scared,and have no one to talk to about it. my ex to be just laughs at me alot and then i just cry alot.then i get frustrated,lonely and cry some more,I'm beginning to think god hates me,or ??. I thought for a couple of yrs to do this,i.e.talk about this now i think i can ??maybe i'm so scared,cause i lost every friend i did talk to but two of them but ones got cancer and may die,the other is well not all their(drinks alot)and i don't drink at all.i was raised male but only have 1 ovary left everything else is been removed and i like being female shoul'da been in the first place,but mood swings,hormone flushes,and crying are getting me down to a really bad place.My v.a. doctor said he knew about my condition but he kept a seperate file for it was told last month to seek outside help soon,to correct problem,told me not! to seek help from the V.A.at all I do have 2 different types of medical insurance thats not the problem,It's should i get it opened up to drain out or removed??But I'd rather have a natural hormone than none at all.I don't wanna be an IT. again!! please some talk to me.I don't bite,It's really hard for me to write this,To open up,to speak the unspoken,my scares are really deep,anything is better than silence,cause thats where I've been for so long,just thought I'd try once and see.thank you all have a nice life.steve/lisa

[Peter]

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you have had to keep so many emotional issues hidden deep inside of you.

Peter

[steve/lisa]

Hi,peter.For saying something can't sleep so thought I would check the site and their you were.Yes it's so very hard to talk about this,I guess I'm at my wits end,some days i feel like I'm lost in the dark and all i hear are screams and laughter mostly my ex to be she's really mean.I don't under stand why i gave her every thing she wanted i thought even all my love,at first she said it did not bother her But as time went on she changed?Anyway enough dribble i really want to thank you for saying some thing at least you did not just laugh,really that means alot to me maybe finally a place to relax and just talk and maybe get some answers to decide on my course in life.I just want to maybe find a little happyness just a little,thats not to much to ask out of life is it ?? please forgive me if i am a little quit at times the things that people have done to me are horriable,,sometime I mit tell all of the story but i will warn you all it's bad with very little good in their. thank you so much,see ya all later on proble sat for sure. bye steve/lisa

[Dianne]

Hi S/L! You have arrived in a place where you can talk about ANYTHING! There isn't much we haven't heard and I don't think you will find any judgmental people here.

The way I look at things, the most important things in life is happiness - move in the direction that makes you happiest and most content, to the role that is easiest and most natural for you. Medical issues can mostly be dealt with through various medications and hormone therapy (and techniques are vastly superior to a few years ago).

Yes, people get rather wierded out by these things but that's just something you will get used to. If you can find the place where you are happy with yourself, that will help you deal with everything else.

I have been an "it" pretty much from Day #1 - that to is something you can learn to deal with.

Making a decision can be hard but once you make the decision, throw your heart behind it and everything will turn out fine - well, at least it will be better than the place you are in now!

[steve/lisa]

Thank you Dianne,I guess I'm most comfertable with lisa,I guess I have always been that way but father(deceased ) was not, see my mother(deceased)wanted me as a girl and my name would have been Lisa May ....... father was aahh stern... he raised me (parents were devoriced) He had custody of me,and his mission in life was to make a man out of me a rather tough one at that,the lessons were hard.but a few yrs ago i stopped giving myself the tostesterone injections,they where getting real hard on my liver and me in general.After that i just realized that lisa was there(actualy she's always been their) and it just seemed to be a natural thing,i always(after the cancer more than befor)had some breast development,after got a little more after i stopped the tostesterone a yr or so later they got even bigger,my body has done a major changes so,I am most comfee with lisa,and live as her,for some time now,but the mood swings,and thoughts of her are at best some times over whelming.I'm just letting things evolve,I'm so much more calmer now than the early yrs.So Dianne if this does not bother you then OH BOY that would be nice to have friends that don't care.All i have left in me(sex organs) Is one right ovary and assorted hardware inside,and my DR says i must have it opened up to drain as this is the decision i must make very soon(it's he_ _)now when i menstruate,thats the problemit can't get out the openning was sewn shut during the first 2 yrs of age i had 6 surgeries between 2 months and 2 yrs old,see i am a chimera by Tetragametic embryo absorbtion of my faternal twin,one of us was male and the other a female,they the DR's think maybe i was the female one,( in both parents sides their are heavy twinning(father first,14 in family,3 sets of hermaphrodites salt wasting,all died soon after birth fathers 2ed sister was turner's syndrome,(mothers side)G mother and great G mother were identical twins,mother had 4 live births,and 16 misscarrages total,that i was aware of,when i was conceived,she told me she felt different that time and was scard so the DR gave her D>E>S>at the onset of the pregnancy,until the 8th month,so she could not loose me like the others,when i was born(mother had AB+ blood RH- factor)I was RH+ factor and she had hemophilia,well they guessed my bother befor me(he's RH+ too)set the stage for me,reading the delivery reports of my birth,was at best traumatising,I, had ? got? (HDN) The report said infant died 3 times each time was revived,they slowly removed my blood and replaced it with RH- blood she did not get an injection of RhoGAM till after my next brother was born but he was RH-,anyway she almost bleed to death as AB+ blood is hard to find she got over a dozen pts of plasma and 3 pts of AB+. Anyway getting tired now I'll write more later(sorry)I said this was a long one,and i was trying not to write another book!?. Thanks Dianne for the ear,talk soon .lisa (At last maybe a friend thank you.)

[Dianne]

Feel free to write as much as as little as you wish!

I am glad you have one identity that you are clearly more comfortable with - I think that makes things easier. Being 50/50 (I think) would be tough.

My story is elsewhere on this site but the nuts & bolts of it is that I was somewhere between M & F at birth (physically probably more incomplete male) and was assigned male and adopted out. Unfortunately I never identified as male so the harsh attempts to make me "act like a man" only served to crush my spirit. I knew there was something wrong physically when I hit my teens and started developing both ways (but not a lot of either) but was mentally most decidedly FEMALE. I wasn't allowed any medical investigation (my parents already knew what was wrong) and no medical treatment until I cut out when I came of legal age 30+ years ago. Being able to "stop acting" and just be myself was a god-send - like being liberated from a death camp!

I don't know (medically) what the details were - they didn't have a lot of tests back then - I just told them to "snip and stitch" and make it as good as they could - details never mattered, just results (WOOHOO!)

Anyway Lisa, I look forward to your next instalment