thoughts of days gone by...

[steve/lisa]

panduwinata,I am proud to be an hermaphrodite,I some times wish I were'nt but I am one too. I envy you for U still have your mother to talk to even if U argure alot U still have some one to bounce things off of,Mine is gone I have nowhere but here to talk to and decuss things that bother me or when I'm sad or happy or whatever,I have learned just to except it and am trying to go with the flow as it may be.good luck.Now I must put down my post as thats what I came here for:
I'ts strange lately I've been thinking of the first couple of yrs after I found out what I really am inside,Lisa has been a part of my life all my life.My mother always said to me "You should have been a girl"Some times when she was mad some times when she was calm;My mother was a tall,Slender,redhead,A very striking looking female,She always demanded,I be proper in appearence,manner,and poise.
It was very trying for me to be around her when we were alone,She always treated me like a girl then.She taught me sewing,cooking,cleaning,How to wash cloths and fold them,How to dust and clean the house and such,She often made it a game for us,She loved gardening and she taught me well.If I did'nt do it right I got a spanking or worse across the bare skin of the upper thighs.So I tried very hard to please her,She has and had always called me lisa.I have her mothers first name and her mother's twin sister middle name,She would often call me by both cause they go together like peas and carrots.
I was born left handed and mother tied down my left arm off and on till I was about 6 yrs old,If I used my left hand in front of her I would get slapped across the face and a scolding.
I never knew what I was for most of my life,My father on the other hand treated me like I was all boy he could be soft but mostly he taught me to be tough and strong inside & out.I was'nt allowed to cry or throw tantrums in front of him,repercussions were severe. From either one of them,If I acted like I did with mother in front of father I would get it or the other way around I would get it.I grew up in the early yrs being very aware of who was around me and what I was to act like at those times.Between the 1 st & 5 th grades mother put me in the school choir,She taught me how to sing early,She always sang with me while we danced,I sang all the solo parts in the choir and was really good at it till my voice broke in the 5th grade.I really liked it,That was about the only times in childhood she paid any attention to me in a approval kind of way .She used to when we were alone dress me up as her little girl.From about 3 yrs or so till 12 yrs old,If I objected she would pull my dress up and spank me,Some times she would hold my hands up over my head and spank me hard.Mother on the other hand wanted me to cry and pout after she slapped me or spanked me,It was expected of me ,She would say good girls need to know how to cry and pout properly.
So you see when I,I found out about what I was born like and what I was inside all those things made sense after that,See I thought she was just crazy.She always insisted on dressing me herself,As she did she would tell me about being proper,How to poise and walking and of course the gestures one must make, and how to sit like a young lady, and walking on my toes not my heels.She was so feminine all the time and father was so masculine.
It was a hard balencing act being around the both of them at the same time,So I spent as much time as I could outside hiding or if possiable at a friends house.Life is strange at times yrs later I visited with my childhood friends parents and it seems they all knew what my mother did with me dressing me up as a girl,They wondered how it would affect me later in life,They all thought I'd grow up and be a cross gender,Well they were'nt far off,I grew up and found out I was intersexed instead!;WOW,It was differcult at best being with either parent or both at the same time trying so very hard to please each one,Trying not to get caught in the middle.
So you see she named the girl in me Lisa,So you can all understand Lisa has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
After the second time or removal of the 2ed teste and cis platinum kemo treatments,I tried out Lisa, or her effect on the world.I wanted to see if she would survive out there,Well she would have gotten along fine except,I,she,Was'nt used to the come on's of the males,So she went lesbian,Well I'm going to put a pic on here and let you all decide....
So this decission to become and live as Lisa full time is not a current one but one out of a life time of conflict,Since,I have no male side really left and I'm growing breasts,and such and at least half or more of my body looks female and I move,walk,gesture and such and the thought changes why not,It seems I don't fit into the male role very well anymore,So this way I can at least be some thing instead of an "it"... Acceptence and happiness is all I seek anymore,Maybe mother was right.???...
It's funny how life works out,Yes I had a different kind of childhood and a good few yrs as an adult befor being cast into hell,I mean into a place and role I had no control over nature they say always reclaims whats her's,I guess I will always be, always a girl at heart and most of my body.
The hormones are really kicking in as of late at that time of the month my breasts are really sore and now they swell up quit a bit now much more in size and I guess I will be binding them down if i go out in public as steve, as lisa I just add a little to them so as to have a bit of a bounce and soon enough I will have my implants so after that i am Lisa all the time.and I'll be moving so no one will know of me anyway.Like I said a new place and name and no one will know a thing.So my journey to find some peace of mind and happiness is almost apon me,To be happy to be scared,lonely,to seek out some thing for which I have no clue as to were to find it is a journey into it's self.well it's late and I need to sleep so I will bid you all a good nite....Lisa...

[prince....ss?]

Lisa,

I don’t have a lot of time to respond to your post, you have talent as a writer.

Just a word of warning from one hermaphrodite to another. DO NOT GET IMPLANTS!!! Learn to be happy with who and what you are don’t let social body image push you into such a stupid thing.

I tell you this out of experience. I had breast implants for almost 30 years and they have made me very sick. I am fighting all kinds of bone joint and mussel problems. If fact they are making a lot of people very sick. Do some research on the dangers of implants and the mystery illnesses that are associated with them

I just had my implants removed three weeks ago. I don’t know if my health will improve but I’m hoping it won’t get worse. So stay away from those implants for your own sake.

[Kailana]

First i wanted to say that i recall quite well the belt on the back of my lower thighs and back of my knees. I have often wondered why only i was struck that way. 1 brother and 3 sisters, got normally spnkings, my younger brother the worst. It was actually extremely rare for me to get hit. But when i was, it usually was pretty severe. Often worse when the back of my knees were struck. Not being able to stand, just pissed my mother off more, and resulted in getting hit more. Being yelled at to stand up, and a few more whacks. Being hit like that was very painful, and took awhile to recover from.

As for being told i should of been a girl, I can thank my dads mom for that. She constantly told me while growing up that i should of been a girl. As for my mother she just called me miha alot when she'd talk to me. Or aske me to do something. At times she would apologise for calling me miha, rather then miho. I often told her not too, thats part of my gender identity growing up. I've known too for most of my life I should of been a girl. Although i must say, that i still considered myself a boy, at least until 93 and cross dressing with girlfriends, I still thought of myself as a fairly attractive young man. After 93, it became very hard to identify that way anymore. When i had seen whats inside, all my labwork, the little doubts as a kid/teen were sort of brought up as the most important thing in my life. That led to constant doubting myself as a man, almost as if all of my selfesteem, became lost. My self doubts that anyone would ever find me as a person they could care about, clouded who i was before, and basically tortured me through my mid to late 20's, early 30's.
at 37 now, and a year and half on HRT, i feel a great deal better about myself, i still look terrible.

Thats leading into my own thoughts on what i look like, i am terribly ugly looking. I am extremely photophobic, I dont look even close to having a female appearance. yes my breasts are developing, but a great deal slower then i had expected, body hair is alot lighter as well. Other then that though, i have way too much muscle, lots of body fat, im slightly obese. My kneck, is as thick as what you would expect on a 300lb linebacker, my chest, extremely broad, my GP just barely acknowledged me as having a webbed kneck and shield chest, and confirmed what my hematologist said about my pinky fingers, stunted, outturned. I was very surprised as noone within Walla Walla would acknowledge just how many turner traits my body expresses. All of a sudden though, with that judges findings of law, i seem tobe getting some acknowledgement that i am 45X/46XYturner mosaic. I kind of find it odd though, as i still cant seem to get any of them to state, i am infact intersexed, or as truehermaphrodyte. And as for my hormone therapy, im now taking 7.5 mg depo-estradiol injections weekly, rather then bi-weekly, which seems to have solved my irritable bowel symptoms, the last few days when my estrogen levels were lowest, i believe i was cycling again, ovulating again, instead of having the short 2 day bowel problems, i was having 4-5 days, which is what has been making me seem so ill, very high whitecell count, fairly low red blood count, only to clear up again a day after i would take another injection. What i keep wondering though is why my GP, Endo, and Hematologist really wont acknowledge the cause of my symptoms. Yet when i asked my endo if i could try weekly injections, to see if it would help she was so agreeable to doing so. So far that seems to be working. oh and for my hematologists comments, were like theres no way your ovaries are still working, yet they have always worked, regardless of how small they are, they still work. On HRT, they just seem to be working even better. More regular, at least since starting injections. I spent most of my teens and adulthood skipping constantly. When i mean small, the've shrunken to L1.9 cm by .9 cm, R1.6 by .8 cm. Somewhere around there, its actually very hard to get a better measurement with my MRI scans from 2004. There just small, still there, in a different position, a great deal smaller then they were at 22 years of age, back then L2.7cm by 1.4cm, R 2.5cm by 1.3 cm. i guess the other big difference is that my upside down slightly concave pear shaped, juvenile uteris, doesnt look pear shaped anymore, yet still doesn;t look like a prostate either. Although thats what all the doctors radiologists say it is, a prostate. Thats one of the other things that has bothered me so much, with my overdose and suspected surgury in 2002. Things look so much different,yet i know its not a prostate, ie as a prostate my urinary track would travel through the middle of it, and it doesnt. So for me, i really doubt it is a prostate, plus being told its a juvenile uterus in 93, i really dounbt it is.
well thats enough about that. Oh, i mentioned all that, as my GP(general Practitioner) ie my current medical professional, wont correct my diagnosis as delusional gender identity disorder, on paper and records without a specific diagnosis as 45X/46XY turner mosaic, even though she knows,suspects that is what i have. As it is im trying to getmy bone biopsy moved up so i wont have to wait so long. It would be alot simpler if the VA would just release my military records, they still deny i have any medical records for my last two months of service. Which is alot of crap, as i still have some of those records. Im just missing all the important things now, have been missing those records since 2000-2001, I suspect my father took those, hes really good about doing that to me.

Last comment to prin***cess, im really hoping i wont need breast augmentation, but i may do down the road, I am actually more afraid of additional scarring more then i am about how it would affect my health. I allready have alot of scars that i suspect are from surgeries as an infant, and i really dont want too many more. I plan on waiting a few more years to make that decision. I am still hoping for well better development over the next year or so.

[Glenn]

Lisa, as Prince....ss? pointed out, very well written.
I'm also a southpaw, but fortunately was born just late enough that people stopped forcing right-handedness on kids.

"I some times wish I were'nt" - what, I'm not the only one to wish to be normal sometimes???

[steve/lisa]

Prince....ss by the way what happened to you with your implants,I've been consiterine them but it's not written in stone yet.I have a new set of kemo's and such to do or think of first.befor things like implants happen.thanks a bunch...glen so kind of you to respond to my post,yes my mother was strct on alot of things see she always said left hander in her family are girls only so thats why i got the treatment from her,but my 1st cousin she is a right hander so i think she was just messing with me,well now i can use both equaly well thanks to her.And my dear kailana thank you so much for the words of incuragement,like i said in a past post if we herm's don't stick together the goverment and the normals will rip us apart!! Thanks all for your words...except...signed...Lisa...