As a partner of an intersexed person, I believe it´s easy to interfere too much in your intersexed partner´s life...
As a partner you like to help, esp. as your partner him/herself isn´t active when it comes to contact with other intersexed.
It´s a kind of resignation.
Like " I can´t change things anyways, so why?" Instead, my partner tends to isolate herself from other people but agrees that it actually might be good for her to meet other people with similar experiences to talk to.

Sure, she should make the first step. But sometimes you also need a push forward...
I´m just afraid that if I don´t help her to get in touch with others, then she will never make the step herself.
She just sort of shut things out and prefers not to think about them... I believe that must be a dilemma for many intersexed?
To rather ignore it as "non-existant", just like people around you always have dealt with it.

´Cause who will help you anyway? There aren´t any psychologists around that we know of and that are fully aware of this problem, that you can turn to. And parents are not able to even touch the subject.
However as a partner, I think you should watch out so that you don´t become your partners personal psychologist.
The task might be too heavy in the long run.

A

Ana,

Meeting another person who has the same intersex condition, especially someone who has a similar background can do wonders for one's psychological health. However, it can also be traumatic.

The first time I went to an AIS support group meeting was wonderful. Most of the women were really pretty ordinary and I thought, well maybe I'm normal too... But then when I returned home I got really depressed because the very fact that there were other women with my condition meant that my condition was real. That made it harder to ignore it.

I go through cycles where I sign up for any new list I can find and then drop off of them and go entirely offline for a while. I have to speak to someone who understands but yet I want to entirely forget it as well.

Sorry, but I'd be quite happy to sell my IS condition to someone else. Really, really cheap, too! But then I guess that I wouldn't be the same person, would I?

cjs

Hi!

Sounds pretty much like my partner is doing.

'She' also went through some really active phases where 'she' WAS really involved and read everything about IS, signed on lists etc. And then... she completely dropped it. Perhaps it became too real... to much to bear. I´m not sure. Now 'she' doesn´t even open the ISNA newsletters, can barely stand to watch any documentaries or read any documents with transgender contents at all etc.
She says she just wants to 'go on with 'her' life' but how do you really go on with your life, just trying to ignore the facts??
It´s depressing not being able to do something about what you have been through, not being able to have a "normal" life (whatever that is). That´s natural. The surgeries has already been done and you can´t erase that. But I think it´s important to not let it control your life completely. To find a way to deal with the painful facts. But it takes time.

I don´t know. I wasn´t born intersexed. I didn´t have to go through all this medical abuse and denial, but instead I was mentally abused and had a lost childhood that I can never get back... You cannot change the past. It´s a cruel fact, but I guess you really have to mourn and get through all the anger, sadness and whatever "negative" emotions that you have in order to reclaim your life and identity. And I think you need some help to sort out your feelings. Something was taken away from you: Your right to exist, and that is sure pretty traumatic!
But I believe things ARE getting better! More people know about IS today than just 10 years ago. And the non - intersexed I speak to (incl myself) are more fascinated about gender problems/identity and upset about the medical mistreat, than disgusted or afraid of IS or intersexed people (sure it depends a bit on where you live. people in larger cities often tend to be a bit more openminded).

That is why sites like this one is great so that people can meet and support each other.
All the best
A

Ana,
Your partner is very lucky to have your love and support. It's not easy being a partner to one of us - if you ask mine he'll tell you..... well actually if you'd like to ask mine let me know. It might not be such a bad thing to talk to someone else who has an intersexed partner. Tim has dragged me kicking and screaming into all kinds of things that I would never have had the courage to face myself. I've got an extremely healthy sex and social life due in large part to his patience, persistance and occasional butt kicking.
It sounds like your partner's overwhelmed, depressed and withdrawing. It's hard facing the fact that "getting on with your life" includes carrying intersex along with you. Once you realize that being intersexed affects every part of your being, that you aren't male or female - you're intersexed it's not easy integrating your identity. However, once we do it sets us free in ways we could never have imagined. Males and females grow up knowing that's what they are. Most of us don't, and if we do we don't know what it MEANS. We waste enormous energy trying to be what society thinks we should be instead of discovering and growing into what we actually are. It can be very overwhelming to sort through all the issues. If she can find a good Certified Sex Therapist it could be great. I would never be where I am today without mine.
Sharon Preeves new book, "Intersex and Identity -The Contested Self" describes the formation of identity beautifully. Even if your partner isn't in a place where she can read that sort of stuff I highly recommend it for you.
THE biggest breakthrough moment in our relationship came when we realized that we weren't a gay male couple. We're gay, we're men, we're a couple - but we're a male/intersex couple. That may not sound like much but for us it was HUGE. We stopped trying to be what we weren't and started to discover what we were. Suddenly a whole lot of things came into focus and it was like a wall between us crumbled down. She may feel like her life is coming to an end, but it's actually just about to start.

Best of luck,

Jim

Hej!
As IS person sometimes I feel myself as the only such in all the world. I really appreciate you for support you give to your friend. I think almost every IS dreams about meeting other persons alike. The problem of our countries, I think more pronounced in Latvia than in Sweden is that these are relatively small countries. So the number of IS persons is also little. Almost everybody here at bodies are from US And it is more easy to really meet each other. Here in Latvia I have never met any person like me. In llast time I looked very much in gay web sites hoping to get information about local Baltics IS community but found no evidence that such exists. May be it is good idea to try find each other through bodieslikeours and try to make contacts.What do you think?

__________________
OK

Kaads,
I'm not sure it's any easier to find other intersexed people in the USA. Until people started talking on the internet I had never found another person like me. So, the first 40 years of my life I was totally isolated. As it is I've only met 3 intersexed people face to face and that happened last year. Only one of them lives in my state! We're here, it's just we're so blasted closeted...... I'm working very hard to change that where I live and I've got the help of the a large part of the Gay community doing it. By this fall I hope to have made so progress and getting others to step forward. I can only try.

Jim Costich

I am at a loss as how to title this. Actually I am trans (watch the people run away from this post!). Many on this list would not know how to handle that revelation.

Most of my friends are so-called "normies". I.e. they don't have "my" problem and they don't really know how to deal with it.

It happens that my therapist has dealt with "my kind of people" for twenty years. But a lot of people are not so lucky. I found her through AEGIS out of Texas and it turned out that her office is only a mile from my office. She started out counseling lesbians. About a year ago one of the people she was seeing turned out to be intersex. She and I just happened to meet outside my therapist's office.

Someone had to train my therapist, get her feet wet. I am sure that intersex people have pretty much the same problem, that they end up being the trainer. It's gotta start somewhere! Her first comment to me was that I was pretty brave in coming to meet her.

I had pretty much figured what I was from my web contacts. I had been on a number of cross-dressing lists. I even went to some of their meetings. It took me over a year to figure out that I just didn't belong there. Believe me, I didn't "come out" there at all!! I felt that they were prejudiced against us! Years before I thought I was gay. Maybe luckily I never developed a relationship. Years before that I thought I was intersex. Then I hoped I would, because it would explain things. Other people had gone through different routes. You don't come into this world with a consumer care label or a book of instructions. Nobody does.

I'm into my second marriage as a male. Now we don't have any sexual relationship at all. Well, it certainly wouldn't be "normal". As things stand, for-get-it!

Back to the point: She went along and "covered" for me. My boss at work "covered" for me. My parents "covered" for me. My friends (?) "covered" for me. My father still hopes that I will "come to my senses." I am sure that he is still hiding things from me. A friend came over to my house, one of the ones who first learned what I was (it really didn't matter to her) and I was telling my wife that it was okay to call me "she". My wife, to give her credit, has had to give her ideas about me up and has done lots and lots of studying and, in a moment of shock, told me I HAD to see a counselor and HAD to get divorced. She'd keep in touch, etc. etc.

BTW I want to point out a problem with nomenclature. People speak of "homophobia". Based on the derivation of the word, it does not mean "fear of homosexuals" OR "fear of men (or mankind)". It means "fear of the same". The proper term would be "xenophobia", "fear of the strange(r)".

We (humans) are all different. I've been going through a period now that I have been calling myself a freak. I mentioned this to a friend in a web chat and her first comment was that in her opinion "WE ARE ALL FREAKS!" I mentioned this to another friend yesterday and before I got to that part she said exactly the same thing. BTW when we first met and I was wearing a dress and she was bawling her eyes out, her first question was, "What ARE you ANYWAY?" Frankly I don't think I even understood her question.

I have really met very few transsexuals. Oh, maybe a hundred or so. Probably even more, but we don't recognize each other. We don't exactly go around with signs on our backs. You never know how anyone might feel about such things. It is not exactly a topic that comes up in "polite" conversation. I am sure I am a topic in the gossip mills and I hear of others that others know about in the same county I live in. But noone introduces us to each other. And sometimes I think that we are afraid of each other and afraid to be associated with each other.

I had an orchiectomy a few months back and do you think I tell EVERYBODY about THAT? If I did, how many idiots and twits and xenophobes and hate-mongers would be on my case? Oh, I've had a taste of that already. I've also had a lot of congratulations, sometimes from quarters I didn't expect.

Oh, I want to tell you all how grateful I am to have found this site, even though I am a stranger here myself.

xoxoxoxox

Zhanai

P.S My therapist describes being TS (F2M, that is) as having AIS of the brain. So, I suppose that an F2M would have "estrogen insensitivity of the brain". I think of it more as an antipathy. And certainly biological and not psychological, but most people's physical makeup gibes and for them it is not a problem.

Thank you, I really do appreciate all this feedback! :)

I think that it would be great if there were some sort of camp or similar, where IS and transgender people could get together and meet up with each other once/twice a year or so.
I don´t know if such camps/gatherings already exists?

I believe that one of the worst things is the sense of isolation among IS and transgender folks. There shouldn´t be.
In Stockholm, intersex and transgender issues does exist and are being discussed f.ex at the Pride festival, and last year at the Stockholm Shame festival (www.shame.nu) where they had an "intersex-block" showing for instance Shoronas stripmovie: http://www.geocities.com/greenpiratequeen/index1.html
IS/transgender activist Del LaGrace Volcano were here too, talking about IS and showing his movie about his cousin Heidi - who also happens to be intersexed.

Let me know if you know any kind of meetings or so where we can meet up!

Best regards A

Uriela,
As I started to really understand that being intersexed affected my entire being I started looking at my gender issues in a different light. Some of it is typical of any gay man, some different. I began wondering if I might not find some comonality with transgendered and transsexual people so I joined the local transgender group. I'm now one of the leaders. Gay, lesbian, transgendered, intersexed, transsexual - we're all gender variant. Some of us are brothers/sisters to each other and some just distant cousins, but I've found common ground everywhere.

Jim