When do you tell?

[Kara]

Hi everyone,
It's seems like I've been gone for an eternity. I've just been busy with life. Things are going well for me, I'm still working doing psychiatric social work and I'm pastoring now too. I 'm ready to meet that special someone and get married again. I placed an ad on an internet dating site, but now a BIG question has come into my mind, when is the right time to tell someone you like about your intersex condition? Would anyone care to share their wisdom and/or personal experiences?
Thanks,
Kara

[RGMCjim]

Hi Kara,

I'm happily partnered in a closed relationship for the past year but in the past I was in an open relationship. I always come out right away, before the first date or encounter.

I figure that the first thing anyone usually knows about us is our sex. In our case it's not something people can see until our clothes are off. I don't want anyone to start to imagine me naked and then have to "relearn" what I actually have. Of course, if being intersexed doesn't show on your body it might be better to talk about it a little later, but certainly before you get intimate.

Doing this up front also spares me from beginning to get attached only to learn that the guy I'm meeting won't be attracted to me once we get sexual. It really helps you locate compatible people more efficiently.

When I met my partner we were at a Gay Camp on a nudist weekend and were both naked when we met. That was perfect, because nothing was left to the imagination!

Jim

[Dianne]

That's a tough question Kara and I don't think there is a good answer.

When I married the first time, I didn't tell my husband anything except that I couldn't have children. He didn't find out about my medical problems until after we divorced and he was quite angry; he said I should have trusted him enough to tell him.

When things turned intimate with my second husband rather earlier than I expected and before I had a chance to broach the subject, I ended up in tears that first night. He wanted to know what was wrong, so I told him. He was very understanding and accepting and that turned out to be a "bonding moment".

After being single for many years, I started dating again last year. When things started getting serious with one guy, I told him and he freaked. That was very painful.

More recently I have been going out with another man. We had a date this afternoon and went to a movie that turned out to be very powerful and moving. His reaction to the movie showed a sensitivity and vulnerability that I have rarely seen in men and I found that I was falling in love with him right then and there. It was NOT something I expected - I have become a jaded old cynic where men are concerned.

I broke off the date early to have time to think and to sort through my feelings and I realized that I had to tell him now. If there was going to be any problem, better it happen now before I am totally ass over tea kettle for him, so I sent him a long email about my childhood. That was only a few hours ago and I have not heard back from him yet.

The timing was totally selfish, to minimize the hurt if things go south. I am not used to being emotionally vulnerable and I am not used to trusting people with my heart If he and I are to move forward, he will have to earn that trust by the way he handles this. Either way it will be a turning point in our relationship.

"The right time" is a personal decision and for me it is about vulnerability: if I am going to give my heart, I need to know it wont be dropped.

[Kara]

Thanks for your input Jim and Dianne,

I have made it a practice to tell people about my "secret" from the very start of meeting someone new. I always felt it would hurt less to have someone run away screaming early on rather than later on after I have fallen head over heals for them. This train of thought comes from my personal experience of having my long term spouse leave me after the discovery of my intersex condition.

After talking to a very wise woman from my church who has adopted me as her grandchild, I have decided to wait a little while before telling. I want dates to get to know me for the person I am before talking to them about something they will most likely be clueless about. I want to try to eliminate any wierd ideas they may develop if I tell them before they get to know the real me. I will drop little clues about my personality along the way, you know...things about me that aren't quite standard for the gender I'm portraying. I'll let that be my test to see if they will tuck tail and run or stick around because they are fascinated by my uniqueness. By the way, I will have my first date in over a year next week. I'll get to see how this new approach works.

Kara

[shivashakti]

Generally, I meet people online. I'm upfront as possible about being intersexed. The last thing I want to do is to fall for someone and be rejected because of my genitals.

On profiles on dating websites, I always put that I'm intersexed. I want no surprises. If it's something that's going to scare someone away from dating me, better it be before I even meet them then after I'm vested in them emotionally.

-Ryan

[short311fan]

while i do think being honest and up-front is always the best policy, i also think you have to go with what works for you, though i have no room to talk since my wife and i have been together for nearly 8 years and married for nearly 5, and i'm just now telling her about all this..... her first response, of course, was "well, whatever's wrong, the doctors can fix it and you'll be alright!"..... noooo, dear, this isn't something you just "fix", it's something we gotta deal with from here on out..... "well, at least it's just hormone problems, it's not like you can have 2 sets of sex organs or anything."..... umm, well, actually, yeah, you can, to varying degrees, they just don't know about me yet..... "well, can't they just remove them and you'll be ok?"..... not necessarily..... i will say this much, at least she's attempting to understand it, and a couple nights ago we sat down and i told her all about it and all the possible outcomes, and she's actually being cool about it, which is far from what i expected, which was more along the lines of a large cast-iron skillet being hurled towards my cranium! lol but i digress, just be honest, it always works better in the long run, i'd say start with "ya know, i really like you, and to be honest, i think i'm falling for you, but before we go any further, i have to tell you something about me, and i really hope you understand it, because i really care for you and i want this to work, but if it's going to, i have to be honest"..... something along those lines.....

rock on

[Dianne]

Originally Posted by shivashakti

Generally, I meet people online. I'm upfront as possible about being intersexed....

I have tried that approach and short311fan's approach that both seem to put an end to any potential relationship (beyond "casual friend"). But then again, I have usually dated men and we know how fragile they are with anything related to sex! Whenever I disclose, the last thing I normally hear is "Bye."

I honestly feel that we live on a whole different plane of existence, one that mere mortals simply can not comprehend. We have (I think) questioned the very basis of sex and gender that everyone takes for granted and I feel that most IS people have a deeper understanding of the human spirit than most of the world's population.

[Kara]

I can't believe how much I'm freaking out over my date next week. We have been talking on the phone this past week and have been hitting it off quite well. While I don't yet have any sense of this person being "the one", I do like what this person is about. I don't believe this person will run away srceaming when I tell them that I'm IS, but I'm really nervous. I plan on telling them when we finally meet face to face on the first date...if I have the courage to tell that is. I should be obsessed about which outfit to wear, not my IS condition. I think Diane is right about most of us having a deeper understanding of the human spirit than the rest of the world. This understanding is really a huge blessing, but one that doesn't always feel that way. Anyways, I need to go and face my second problem...finding the perfect shoes.
Peace out.

[short311fan]

i have to agree with dianne as well, that's actually a really good sentiment..... now if only we could find a way to pass that on to the rest of the world.....