Part of developing an integrated identity as an Intersexed gay man has been to seek out the company of other gender variant people. I’ve been out as Gay for a long time, but only recently came out as Intersexed. It’s been a long journey out of shame, secrecy and a paralyzing fear that I would never be welcomed as a member of the family of humanity if I allowed people to know my whole self. I was truly flabbergasted at how many GLBT people in the Gay community at large knew a lot about Intersex and about what Intersexed peoples’ issues are, or might be. When I came out as Intersexed I expected to have to completely educate everyone I met about sexual development in species, Intersex/hermaphrodism and the way being Intersexed influences gender. I found that there were people out there who had known about people like me longer than I had!! I was late to the party. When I talk about being Intersexed people always gravitate to talking about all other gender variant people and then to how society’s gender expectations have stifled their lives as gays and lesbians. Homophobia/hetero-centrism adversely affect heterosexuals, not just GLBTI people. Genderphobia and sexism adversely affect everyone too.

Long before I came out as Intersexed I dealt with gender issues as a gay men amoungst gay men. Gay men all struggle with gender issues, gender expression, and the fact that even the most macho amongst us does not measure up to the gender expectations of men in our society and CAN NOT without disfiguring our personalities. One of the greatest freedoms achieved in coming out gay is finally beginning to scrape away at the layers of gender restrictive behavior that don’t fit us but have been forced on us from early childhood. All gender variant people can tell stories that all other gender variant people understand. Those who have dealt well with their own gender issues are understanding and receptive of Transgender & Intersex people (including sexually). Those who still have all sorts of gender issues are terrified of T & I people - after all, T & I people are a walking, breathing, dynamic embodiment of their greatest fears about their own inability to match someone else’s idea of what they should be like. They are just as frightened of effeminate gay men and butch lesbians as of transsexuals, cross-dressers or the Intersexed. There is no need to sell T & I people to the GLB part of the community. Those who have confronted their own gender issues are already brothers and sisters to the T & I. Those who have not aren't even their own brothers and sisters….. yet. To give their genderphobia power over us is to trap them in it as much as it is to feed our own self-doubt.

At 45yrs old I've watched a lot of people come out in a lot of ways. There are some things that all people seem to go through. One of them is the tendency to think that we have to go on a metaphorical quest to steel the Wicked Witch’s broom so that the Wizard will let us into the Kingdom of Queer. But, there is no Wizard, there is no Witch, and the door isn't really locked against us. We could have walked out of Kansas and into Oz, (yes dear, we're going the opposite direction of Dorothy), any time we wanted but were held back most by our own fear.

People in transition are in limbo and it is very true that until you settle at least a little bit you can only get just so close to people. That goes as well for people who are transitioning out of the orientation closet as those who are transitioning from MtF or FtM. But, getting close to others isn't a matter of getting them to let you in, it's a matter of opening yourself so others can get close to you. It took me 40 years to figure out how to let people in. The key wasn't in trying to become like everyone else so I would fit in, which I wasted decades doing. It was in accepting that I'm different and loving it so that others could fall in love with it too. This requires a whole lot of positive, validating life experiences. It’s not easy to silence the inner voice that calls you a circus freak and sneers that if people really knew you they’d reject you. It takes real, concrete interaction with actual people. It is of no use to play out scenarios in your head or flee at the first sign of shock or confusion like I used to do! I needed 8 yrs in counseling to finally pull this off. It wasn't just the counseling that helped me - it was the courage the counseling gave me to go do the things I needed to do to break the spell of thinking I was intrinsically inferior. I needed to build up a big enough bank of acceptance so that I could endure rejections without being destroyed by them. My MSW would be living in Malibu Beach if he had a nickel for every time he told me that other people's problems with what I am are a symptom of their own issues and not actually caused by me, nor are they "proof" of my intrinsic value as a human being.

The biggest obstacle to a healthy life and identity for any/all GLBTI people is escape from shame. I'm adamant about that! I really believe it is number one. Building a community of friendship and lovers is what empowers us and ultimately frees us from isolating shame. Our society criminalizes and/or pathologizes anyone who is not male/masculine/heterosexual or female/feminine/heterosexual. We don't have to buy into that false view and if we have bought into it we can return it for a full refund. The more we reach out to others the stronger we all become. So many of my transgendered friends are afraid other GLB people will reject them as outcasts among outcasts. Don't lurk in doorways, just march right in like you already belong there because you do and there are people waiting to welcome you home. There are those who may not be welcoming but we must not give them power to drive us away from our entitled place in Gay Society. After all, they need our help and example so they can come to terms with their own gender issues.

Originally published in "The Empty Closet", a publication of the Gay Alliance of Genessee Valley (NY).

Read more from Jim Costich.