I used to think that when men talked about wanting cock that meant they wouldn’t want me. After all, what I have between my legs isn’t the elephant trunk that everyone ooo’s and aahh’s about. Then came the realization that 90% of them didn’t have 10, 16, 24 inches with a 15, 20, 30 inch diameter either. This was followed by my sex therapist’s assertion that we all talk big but when we say we want “cocK” in reality what we want is the whole man. My therapist proved it in a 3 hour seminar attended by over 60 gay men entitled, “Does Size Really Matter?” It doesn’t. All 60 of us thought we were too small to be attractive no matter what we had, and none of us actually cared how big a man’s penis is when it came right down to it. Sometimes we act like we think we’re supposed to instead of as we really feel.

Lea Delaria (lesbian stand up comic) once told a story about a straight man trying to hit on her with the promise that if she tried his penis she’d forget all about women. Her reply, “Oh, you misunderstand. I don’t hate cock, I LOVE cock! Just not on men.” The audience roared, of course. We all know what she meant.

When Tim, (my partner of 10 years) and I discovered I had a vagina, and after medical help discovered that it would be usable for sex I was very nervous. I was excited at the prospect of this new toy, felt like I was now a man PLUS something instead of MINUS something, was thrilled at the new and fantastic sexual experiences I was having but, isn’t this the very thing that gay men don’t like? My partner dismissed it with Lea Delaria panache. “Jim, men love vaginas. Vaginas feel fantastic, they are all kinds of fun. It’s not vaginas that turn gay men off it’s what’s attached to them. You are going to be the star of the party, and frankly it’s scaring me because once you walk into the room they’ll forget everyone else.” Oh, come on!! A hermaphrodite the life of the party? We’re freaks right? Revulsion, shame, disbelief…… gotta cut it off, cut it out to “normalize” our appearance, hide our bodies, hide ourselves and pretend we’re actually what we were “supposed” to be, not what we are, right? Wrong. The gender police in pediatric urology, gender clinics etc. had no idea what they were talking about. People are not genitals, people HAVE genitals. The entire of manhood and womanhood cannot be summed up in genital shapes, organs, personality attributes or even neurocognitive functioning. What and who we are is complex. Everyone can be interesting, intriguing and exciting.

Ok, that’s men. Is it commutative to women? When women say they want pussy are they talking about a genital or do they really mean they want a woman - the whole woman? If many gay men love a man with a vagina, would there be gay women who love a woman with a penis?

I’d been scouring the internet and came on an advertisement for a bisexual sex party taking place in my city. I’m curious. I know that my female-ish parts aren’t exactly female just like my male-ish parts aren’t exactly male. Was I looking for a course in comparative anatomy or a genuine sexual experience? Yes to both. In the past I’ve been scared to death of women, but I’m curious. So, we went to the party. It was a real culture shock. Most of the people were socially straight. The women were bi and God only knows about the men because they were so scared they sat there like statues watching the women. I’m discovering that bisexual often means the women are, but the men are straight and watch/play with the women. You have to work hard to find the kind of bisexual, multi-partner environment where everyone is actively bisexual. I hoped we might have some sexual experience with a woman at this party but it didn’t work out that way. Am I disappointed or relieved? That’s another story. After 3 hours, (we got there late), they were still breaking the ice, were fully clothed except for some of the women who wore sexy lingerie, and were slugging down a whole lot of booze to muster courage. If this had been a gay party it would have been long over by 3 hours, people would throw their clothes off at the door and there is NEVER any booze - booze has a nasty effect on erections and really messes up sex. This was definitely not like home. We met another couple who actually were both bisexual and have a gay son. They were both essentially gay/lesbian, and socially leaned more gay than straight. They both affirmed that if they hadn’t found their soul mates in each other they would be with someone of the same sex. They were still very much in love after many years. He was there for men, and she was there for women. We were connecting to him and hoped she’d join in for a 4-way. It turns out that she once had an intersexed girlfriend. The intersexed girl friend had a vagina but also could stand to pee with her 3 inch long phalloclit. She thought she was a fantastic lover. Did she want to have a 4-way with us? No. “You boys, go have a ball, a SAFE ball. I really want to get some pussy tonight.” “But,” I protested, “I have one!” “No, silly…..”, she said, “You’re a man with a vagina. That turns me on, but tonight I’m looking for PUSSY, I want the WHOLE PACKAGE.” She wanted a woman. She SAID pussy, but she MEANT the whole woman. You see, the males sometimes say “cock” when they mean “man” and the females say “pussy” when they mean “woman”. Transsexual friends tell me they have put this same thing to the test with the same results. How often have I missed the opportunity for sex, romance, and love because I listened to what they said instead of what they meant and thought it left me out? I don’t even want to think. Thank God I finally know better. Needless to say we had a wonderful time with the husband who was thrilled to have an encounter with a male man, and a man with a vagina because he was in the mood for …… men.

It seems like every time I go out I rediscover:

The Big Lie

“You have to have XY, testes, penis, prostate, no breasts and masculine personality, OR XX, ovaries, clit, uterus and breasts and feminine personality or no one will want you, relate to you, desire you, or fall in love with you. Anything else is revolting to “normal” people.”

Every time I explode that lie I’m a step further from shame, secrecy, isolation and self-loathing. We can be the life of the party. Wanna dance? I hope you dance.

©Jim Costich, 2003.

Reprinted with permission of the author. Originally published in The Empty Closet, a publication of the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley, NY

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