My journey out of shame, fear, self-loathing, and sexual dysfunction started with the eraser at the end of my pencil. I started by erasing “shoulds”. There were far too many of them stuck on me to do it alone. I had the help of an excellent sex therapist from within the GLBTI Community. I also had the help of a loving partner, (9 years), who helped me have the sexual experiences I needed to build a healthy sexuality, joining me in the adventure and cheering me on. Part of my finding and claiming my gender and sexuality as gay and intersexed helped him find and claim his gender and sexuality as a gay and male. That road had bumps!

I was sexually crippled by the word "should". Men should be male, should have penises and testicles, shouldn't have any female organs at all, should have masculine personalities, shouldn’t be like women but should be heterosexual. Should, should, should, the list is huge. My body, mind, and personality didn't fit all the "shoulds" and had plenty of "shouldn't's". No matter how hard I tried to remake myself into the fantasy of what a man should be, the reality of my own existence persevered. Stop. Go back. Look at that statement closer. If you are intersexed, intergendered, transgendered, transsexual, or any gender/sex variant person that’s what you are. You’re not the malformation of male/masculine/heterosexual or female/feminine/heterosexual. Our truth doesn’t lie in being something else, it lies in being exactly what we are, and in learning that it’s a good thing to be what we are.

Without the "shoulds" in my way I could finally look at myself in a mirror. My partner and I took out a mirror, looked at, explored, and talked about my genitals. I stopped imagining my body as what it "should" have been and started living in it as it is. My partner experienced this change as a barrier being lifted, he finally felt free to touch me. I always thought that people held back from touching or being oral with me because I was malformed. The truth was that they felt my guard go up and it made me unapproachable. My fear of rejection, not the shape of my genitals, caused me to be rejected. By finally exploring my body, I discovered I had anatomy I had never known about. That’s an item for another story. When I gave myself permission to like my body I could invite other people to enjoy it too. How could I have been so trapped in thinking that a man with a vagina is a freak, a woman with a penis is an abomination? Suddenly it was so easy to be me, and I hadn’t done anything except tell myself, and others that I am what I am and what I am isn’t quite male or female, is both and neither. For the first time, I was just me. Just intersexed.

It took a lot of positive sexual experiences for me to finally let go of my old image of myself as deformed, and let people show me that exotic, (I’m not hideous, I’m exotic!), is exciting. We invited friends to have sex with us and no one kicked me out of bed. We joined a gay men’s naturist club and no one gasped when I took my pants off. I started getting lots of attention wandering around “clothing optional” gay men’s camps because my friends knew about me and could brag about my sexual prowess as well as call me a good friend. The more positive experiences I had the better I felt about my body and myself. Several times I’ve found myself the center of attention at sex parties (safe, sane, sober and among friends). I’ve learned that men with a bi-sexual quotient are most attracted to me. I’ve learned that cock size really doesn’t matter, no matter how much men brag. I’ve learned that being intersexed makes my experiences and perspectives on sex, love and intimacy different in ways that are valuable to me, and others. I’ve learned that what everyone wants more than anything else is to be held, and everyone longs for love. I’m envied for my partnership, and other men have told my partner he’s the lucky one. I’ve even learned that there are lots of anatomically male men who are more self-conscious and inhibited than I was.

My final frontier is to be with other gender/sex variant people. Isolation is still my heaviest burden. I have lots of adventures and stories to share, and plenty more to live. Come join the feast, no need to wait. We can set our own place at the table.

Reprinted with permission of the author. Originally published in The Empty Closet, a publication of the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley, NY

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